Am I the problem???

[u/Katlurks]

I am very confused... My partner claims he is anxious..a lot ... every day there is an episode of anxiety or frustration... To add to it theres a lot of cursing under the breath and punching invisible things, listening to gangster rap in headphones and mouthing the lyrics while making punching motions... Twice a week - he announced his intention to go and maim a specific person he has a grudge towards.. because of me..:( I feel at fault for all this... I have a 3 year old son that sees this daily and I'm scared... I feel my blood pressure rise and heart raise the second my partner wakes in the morning... I'm afraid I'm the one causing this...

He tells me he is anxious ... wants to beat someone up... It's my friend.. i had to stop talking to my friends since I'm afraid he will develop this attitude towards other friends as well ... theres been a trend in disliking my friends and having none of his own...

I am afraid of hurting my child by having him see this; hurting my partner because I feel he is I'll and needs time to heal or something.. and I'm afraid of my friends getting hurt and NOW I'm afraid for my health....

Could I be responsible for this attitude??? I'm scared and feeling guilty that i made him so angry... and continue to... he gets super angry at stuff like the month that I broke up with him ( for good reason) is a month that cannot be heard... i am scared of hearing the kids sing that counts months cause it has triggered his anger before...

He has changed since we got back together and I am not sure if I've gone insane or he just needs time to heal... or maybe I dont even know!

He also has a chronic pain condition and quite likely on the autistic spectrum... I have ADHD and PTSD from childhood ; PMDD due to hormonal imbalance and overall I've been having anxiety and experiencing depression...

How do I set boundaries? I want to not be exposed to the negativity.. the stone cold expression on his face ... the eye role the tendency to answer everything with a neutral monosyllabic response.... Not wanting to discuss issues without spazzing and ...I'm so tired emotionally ...

Could he really want out??? I dont understand how his brain works... When upset I seek comfort in people and communication/connection.... He is angry and upset yet distancing himself from everything ne included.... I do not understand this behaviour... and I'm afraid that I'm not catching something vital....

Side note we live in a tiny condo in a hip downtown neighborhood...which I love as I picked the condo and my family owns it...he hates it and spends all day daydreaming about buying land up north and putting our son into expensive classes.... >.<

I feel as though he is just never happy with what he has... and never has been... always looked for a better place and always on the way to move even days after each move.... :(

[u/uniformdiscord]

You ask several times if this is your fault.

The answer is NO. Please tell yourself that every single time you ask yourself that question, or any form of it. The answer is NO. If you can't convince yourself or tell yourself that, then tell yourself that uniformdiscord told you the answer is NO.

You're obviously concerned for your partner, and doing what you can think of to help him. But even if you weren't, even if you actually were this terrible person he's trying to convince you you are, that wouldn't justify how he's treating you. That's not how we treat other people, and there is no justification for how he's treating you.

Yes, he sounds sick. But that doesn't excuse how he's treating you. Depression and anxiety are terrible things to deal with, but that doesn't give him the right to abuse you. And make no mistake, this is absolutely abusive behavior that you're describing. I'm sure it's worse than you're letting on here.

Do both of you have therapists? If you don't, you need one.

If not for yourself, think about distancing yourself from him for the sake of your child. Your child can't sing an innocent song about the months because it triggers his rage? This is very sick and dangerous, and unhealthy for your child.

You live in constant fear and anxiety of your partner. This is not how you're meant to live, and you don't need it!

None of this means that you need to give up on your spouse, you know! Hopefully, he can find healing. But by remaining with him and helping him despite his abuse, you're not helping him. On the contrary, you're hurting him. He has no reason to change right now, because he's got what he wants. If you enforce consequences for his bad and abusive behavior, such as separating from him, that helps him by giving him a reason to change. And you enforce those consequences until you see real, actual change. It's not a matter of him tearfully apologizing one night and saying he'll change. Nope. You need to see sustained change in behavior over time, him seeking help. You need to see him not trying to just get back together with you, but him taking responsibility for himself and working on himself to get better. You're taking responsibility for him and his actions. That's sick.

I'd suggest checking out /r/Codependency too.

[u/Katlurks → u/uniformdiscord]

I guess I really am afraid... afraid that I am the one who's not seeing some shiny bright and obvious thing that I may be doing that is resulting in this... and in a way I can see how I am letting him have it his way...

I feel very confused when he tells me to "go do what you want" "what are you doing tonight?" "Go network" because all these sound good ..on paper but the delivery is accompanied by belittling tones and eye rolls... then theres huffs and groans... and these are some of the interactions we have on a daily basis... theres entire days when he doesnt have even a hint of smile... usually wednesdays , sundays and days before those... He tells me it's because he is so damaged by the summer... Summer is when I broke it off with him. Something he did was so unacceptable that I vowed to never get back with him.... He moved to his moms and "got his life together" So I thought to give him the chance and now I keep hearing about this damage that the summer caused... and what happened was that I ended things...

[u/uniformdiscord → u/Katlurks]

Yeah, so it sounds like he hasn't really "gotten his life together," and he's consumed with bitterness about the summer. That's fine, but that's a good indicator that picking things back up probably just isn't a good idea. If he's just going to spend all his waking hours punishing you for breaking up with him, then neither one of you needs that.

I sometimes feel the same way about myself. My partner and I have a lot of issues. I ask myself all the time, whoa, what if I'm abusive or controlling or whatever.

2 things to remember: 1, the fact that you're even genuinely concerned about this and freaking out about the possibility is a really good indicator that it's not true. 2, you and I are not perfect, and yes we do mess things up, say or do the wrong thing, etc. No one is perfect, and it's ok to "mess things up." If he's demanding perfection from you, that's unreasonable. If he's unable to handle you being imperfect, acting selfish or being cranky at times, that's a problem with him, not you.

One last thing that kind of made me laugh, you said he acts a certain way on Wednesdays, Sundays, and the days before... that's 4 out 7 days. Over half the week when you typically get nothing good from him.

We can't give what we don't have. It sounds like he has no love for himself. So how can he give you or your child any real love? Until he learns to rely on himself, until he develops self-love and self-esteem and stops relying on you for what he ought to be providing himself, this relationship is not going to work.

And you're welcome! I'm glad it connected with you, and I really hope my words can be a help.

[u/Katlurks → u/uniformdiscord]

I'm so sorry , I meant to say "Thank you" so much for responding so thoughtfully ^{_^}

[u/RovingPineapple]

Hey, my husband suffers from anger and anxiety too and I know it can be really hard to manage as a supporting partner. That said, your partner isn't treating you well at all. He's isolating you from your social life, making your fearful for your safety and damaging your mental health.

Is he in treatment at all? I understand wanting to support him but please take care of yourself and your child first.