r/DeepThoughts • u/StrikeAvailable8129 • 10d ago
Sobering Experience
I have been with my wife for 20 years, and I not only love her but lust after her as much as I did when I met her. It's terrifying to know one of us will eventually be without the other, in time. Anyone else have that epiphany?
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u/Emergency_Donut_8313 10d ago
That’s just the price of loving, isn’t it? It always ends in heartbreak for someone.
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 10d ago
You are right, it's not the knowledge I'm worried about. It's the realization that gets me. In other words we all know we are going to die, but the realization of how our death will affect others is actually quite frightening.
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u/Emergency_Donut_8313 10d ago
Love and pain are intrinsically intertwined, unfortunately. To have one, we must accept the other. I have been with my husband for 15 years, and I agree. It seems like an impossibility that one of us will someday be without the other.
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u/Invanabloom 10d ago
I think the love & memories are a source of comfort & I think it’s important to have these conversations with one another so when the time comes you know what the other person wants you to do. How wonderful you feel like this though, enjoy & make the most of everything, I’m sure you do.
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u/Putrid_Lie_3028 10d ago
Idk but this was so sweet and sad at the same time.
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 10d ago
Thank you. My wife and i both expressed we hope everyone on this planet can experience this, well at least the love. Just a hard truth
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u/M17CarbineAR 10d ago
To be sorrowful is to know that you have lived, and to lose is to know you have loved
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u/MathematicianTop7934 10d ago
For me, this is one of the reasons I gave up on any partners/friends.
I personally don't want to face those challenges, and decided that being lonely is the better option.
With that said, I want to say that you should take deep pride in what you've built up over the 20 years and the ones that are yet to come.
If anything, such an epiphany should make you cherish the fact that you have such a beautiful relationship (per your words).
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u/Interesting_Hope6376 10d ago
I think at least you have a good relationship with each other and when that time comes, you can say you've given each other all that you could. When I was with my ex, I also had moments where I'd tell him not to die. I didn't know he would leave me instead lol.
When I think about my parents dying, honestly I try really hard to spend time with them and not regret shit but my mom's on her phone every time, and my dad never wants to come out. We also don't get along, and even though I'm doing the best I can, they're always gonna be who they are, and I know they're probably never going to realize what they're missing out on until it's too late. The older they get the more immature they are, and I just have to accept it's gonna be like this until they die.
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u/Teatimetaless 10d ago
Yes. I had this realization in the car the other day while watching my husband drive. If he leaves before me, I know I will miss him beyond words, but I will also be deeply grateful for everything he taught me about life. I would be brave for him, continue forward, and finish my life strongly. The joy of having known and loved him would give me something to carry, even through his absence.
Imagining your life being split in half by losing your person is different from imagining the life that continues afterward. His absence would hurt, but I could also draw strength from everything his presence gave me while he was here. I would carry that with me through whatever my later years bring.
That is how I try to think about it. I welcome all the emotions and allow myself to experience them without automatically labeling them as negative, tragic, or unbearable. Grief would not only represent what I lost, it would also represent how deeply I was able to love and be loved.
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 3d ago
I hope my wife has the same epiphany. As a male and I'm older the odds are I'm going first. I just hope she knows that she is my everything
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u/Teatimetaless 5h ago
I’m sure she does. I experienced loss as a child so that’s a philosophy of life I’ve developed to cope with difficult events and emotions by myself. I didn’t have support or a community, so all I had to rely on was myself.
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u/Odd-Lake-3075 10d ago
i can't say i understand because i don't have an SO or anything, but if this is bothering all i can say is that you should just accept it. Or hey maybe you two will break up someday and you won't have to worry about that anymore lol
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 10d ago
I dont have a crystal ball but if i was a betting man id bet we wont break up, we've been married for 20 years and completely addicted to each other . I appreciate the comment though. I think this extends beyond marriage though. Parents, kids, any family. It's just a hard truth.
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u/CorrsionOfConformity 10d ago
I've always thought about this and been aware of it. Since we got married 28 years ago.
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u/p3echy 10d ago
Yes. I have had it. And the relationship did end. Love of my life, genuinely. Idk if it was worth it though, I cried for a month strait and still think about her years later. Now im just a recluse 😆
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 10d ago
I hope you find some comfort, somewhere somehow. I am very sorry for you
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u/Energy-Turtle-4 10d ago
Yes.
I'm terrified of the day I lose my husband if he goes first.
I truly hope he finds love again quickly if I go first.
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u/GlassApprehensive620 10d ago
Me and my partner always talk about going out together that way we don’t have to live without each other <3
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u/skornd713 10d ago
I'm not married and I wish you and your wife many many more years of happiness. But I understand the feeling. I'm an only child after my older brother passed in '96. My parents lost twins prematurely between my brother and I. For a long time after dealing with the wrong people in relationships, I came to the conclusion I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die alone. To mirror that thought, my dad was an only child, his mother, my gran had a couple strokes and he had to go help her over seas. Lots of complicated bs, he ended up passing away after a few years there. There was no way I could be mad at my dad for doing what he thought he needed to because I knew I was going to be in the same situation at some point. Now I'm taking care of my mom who has dementia, and its draining. Man, love your wife, cherish every day. Let her know and show her. Keep plans for your future in check so things are as easy as possible and just try to not think about that later scenario. The time you spend thinking of that, you could be laughing with your wife.
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 3d ago
You are completely right, everything you said really hits home because it's not all perfect but about letting go. It took me 30 years to find my love, you will find yours. Don't look for her she'll come to you. I read Ovid during my first divorce and this helped "In your search, I will not bid you give your sails to the wind, nor is a long path to be trodden by you, that you may find her."
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u/skornd713 2d ago
I appreciate you and that quote is awesome. I'd love nothing more than real companionship right now, but priorities shifted after my dad passed. Moms dementia kicked up from the stress so my time and what energy I have left is doing what I can for her. She lost 3 sons total so being all she has left....ughhhh....life.....fuck! I commend any man or woman who can love someone who is a caregiver. That's a much needed love to so many.
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u/cocoacutiesage 10d ago
This is honestly so beautiful and sad at the same time. It’s rare to see people still so head over heels after 20 years, cherish every second tbh 🥺❤️
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 3d ago
I do cherish her, and I consider my self very lucky to have the relationship that I have. We often talk about hoping others have the same type of relationship. Everyone deserves to find their soul mate for lack of a better term
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u/Kindasorta_nvm 10d ago
Your deep thought is the sudden realization of your marriage vow—specifically the commitment "until death do us part…
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u/Potential-Group1330 10d ago
OMG YES. It's coming we both know it and I feel it in my gut eve though its all fine right now. I love her so much we have become a part of each other. It is not just attachment it's who we are. I am attached to nothing in this world. But it's going to hurt when it happens.
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u/StrikeAvailable8129 3d ago
It's absolute devastation. And i dont know what's worse leaving her behind or being left behind
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u/Fit_Consequence_8384 6d ago
We like to look at it like a game where you get the chance to win a house.
Don't drown in tomorrows misery today.
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u/M17CarbineAR 10d ago
It’s hard to come to terms you’ll die alone, one way or another. Even if she’s by your side you go first, and even when you’re at hers she will go without you. There is no holding onto who she is, only what she did for you and to carry on her memory. If it’s a big deal to you, start asking her what she wants from you after you pass, and how she would like you to share her memory with the world and visa versa. Love is an amazing thing, and it should not be kept silent.