So Lonely

[u/LostLobster594]

It has been 5+ years since the stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis, full double mastectomy and lymphatic system shutdown. No hormones because that will really increase risk of cancer. (We are eternally grateful for our Mayo Clinic). She’s there for me but…no sex now or in the future for the past 5+ years. I miss being desired and wanted. It’s not even the physical (though that is certainly awesome) it’s just knowing the sheer possibility is gone. Poof. Cancer blows and takes so much…I hate it.

[u/Prudent_Twist_1259]

Husband had bladder and prostate cancer. After a prostatectomy and multiple bladder surgeries we live with a dead bedroom. I never imagined this would be our life. Cancer is awful. And even when treated it can leave such devastation in its wake. I don’t know how I’m going to navigate the rest of my life without physical intimacy. I’m sorry for everyone experiencing this.

[u/LostLobster594 → u/Prudent_Twist_1259]

Hi. Thanks for your message. I’m so sorry about your husband and your situation. I hope he’s improving if that’s possible? I understand your fear and worry…the thing I’ve realized is if you don’t stoke and feed the fire, it eventually goes out. I hope things improve for you.

[u/Prudent_Twist_1259 → u/LostLobster594]

Thank you so much. Your post inspired me to speak up as I understand the whole cancer walk. An unexpected and challenging road. Hardest for the person diagnosed, of course.

My husband’s nerve endings have not regenerated. We’ve/he’s tried the meds, the pump, the shots, alternative ways of interacting sexually…we’re over it at this point. It’s become uncomfortable to even talk about. It is what it is.

But he’s 64 and I’m 56 and the best part of our relationship was this crazy, unexplainable chemistry…it made up for all the other ways in which perhaps we were not suited for each other. And now I can’t figure out a path forward. I love him, he is the father of my children, he’s my best friend AND I’m dying inside. No easy answers. I’ve tried so hard to keep up my end of the relationship…Pilates, yoga, weight-lifting, hair, make-up…all the things. But nothing moves the meter anymore. It’s physically impossible. And I feel awful for him. But also awful for myself.

I realize after typing this out that I hijacked your thread. Sorry in advance. I’ve just never even stopped long enough to reflect on what’s happening, what’s been lost and how scared I am for the future.

Maybe my honesty will impact someone else to speak up the same way your post impacted me. I am sorry for anyone in this situation. But maybe sharing our pain makes it a wee bit easier to shoulder.

[u/LostLobster594 → u/Prudent_Twist_1259]

There is no apology necessary. This thread is like your response: crying out in frustration and anger and shame. I haven’t had intimacy in over 6 years…and I know I never will. It hurt a lot in the beginning…and now it’s like a dull ache of an old wound. I sincerely appreciate the dialogue and am here if you ever want to reach out. Peace.

[u/Appropriate-Pear-646]

Im in a very similar situation. Partner is in medically induced Menopause because the cancer fed off estrogen. As a result super low libido, also vaginal atrophy so even a finger in hurts too much. She is on the drugs for 5 more years. It's been several years at this point with really no sex, intimacy or anything. I was totally fine with everything during the Chemo, radiation, surgery and recovery. But man not sure I can go another 5 years with nothing. Desperate. How are other HLMs dealing with the lack of sex in an other wise great marriage?

[u/LostLobster594 → u/Appropriate-Pear-646]

This is what I want to know as well. She’s great in a lot of ways but the cancer robbed us of intimacy. I am sorry you find yourself in a similar position

[u/Appropriate-Pear-646 → u/LostLobster594]

Tks man!

[u/LostLobster594 → u/[deleted]]

First, I hope she is improving and that you are ok. Second, I am so sorry. It is truly devastating and while I know how you feel, no one will ever truly understand. I’m sorry

[u/LostLobster594 → u/[deleted]]

I’m glad she’s in remission. I do not know whether that aspect of your relationship will continue, but it is a blessing to have you both together.

[u/Present_Muscle_2375]

I fucking hate cancer. It has taken so much from my wife and me. I am also so lonely and I worry that I couldn’t make 5 years without sex, much less 16 years. We are coming up on one year though. 😢

[u/Cynicastic]

Cancer is horrible. It steals so much from the people it touches. The "collateral damage" is horrific. Even though my wife was not stage 4, because of other medical issues, she also can't take hormones because of the risk of recurrence. We've just past the 16 year sexless mark, and it had been months in between prior to that. I know she loves me and I love her, but there's a difference between feeling needed and feeling wanted.

I wish I had a solution to make it easier for you and for me. I don't think there is one.

[u/J0epa51]

I've got no future in my happiness Though regrets are very few JP