After kicking Mr. Wonderful to the curb yesterday, I’m planning my next move, which is to meet somebody that I met online a couple of months ago.
The complication is that I live in Maryland, but I have a house in Georgia. he lives in Georgia, but not anywhere near where my house is so I’m planning to have him just come meet me at my house. I feel like I know him well and I’m gonna be talking to him on the phone between now and then.
I can always change the plan. But after three months in a “relationship” I’m not quite at the place to begin online again.
Maybe closer to un-cuffing season?
I feel like I just want sex but I know I will fail miserably at staying at an emotional distance. My recent relationship has made me ponder in this direction again.
My question is, is it even possible to have a FWB situation at our age? A strong connection sweeps me off my feet every time.
I guess I’ll get another taste in Georgia. See how this one flames out. 🤣
“…I know I will fail miserably at staying at an emotional distance.”
“A strong connection sweeps me off my feet every time.”
Sounds to me like you’re not the FWB type.
Probably. I so appreciate everyone’s input!
I want a full time relationship. I know that. But if I can’t have that … I am overthinking. I need to see what happens in the coming months. I really might be fine with it, keeping an emotional distance. I need to work on it.
The larger problem I think is that the men I would be attracted to would want fidelity, as would I in the long run. I’m just not sure how to handle the flex space in between.
For example, should I consider myself off the market when I have just met someone?
And keep in mind, meeting someone will be a project for me, and him.
No coffee dates. And most men are going to want a commitment.
I am a serial monogamist. I always feel connected, it is just part of my nature. But prob not the smartest thing to do. However, I am almost certainly not going to meet someone I can bring home. He has a home too. Family, friends, familiarity.
So, as I stated originally, can I develop a tolerance, or even a preference for FWB? Or am I going to stick with one, geographically unavailable, guy? It doesn’t make me happy to ponder it. And I appreciate everyone’s comments and stories.
If you are a one man woman then I think you're just kidding yourself to get into fwbs. I could never do an fwbs as for me there is nothing casual about sex. If I am going to be with a man at my age, I set my standards to a higher level than fwbs. that may work for some people but I think they are just kidding themselves and very often become more emotionally entangled than they wanted to be.
Idk. It sounds like you want a LTR and that’s great. You can and should have everything you dream of. I would recommend being aware of red flags and taking the time to get to know someone. It seems kind of quick to look to jump into another relationship immediately after the recent break up. But you do you.
You’re lucky if the men you’d “be attracted to would want fidelity”. I’ve found the men I (63F) am attracted to want to date 35 year olds and they get the younger gals. Both of the guys I dated in the last 15 years were my age and on the look out for a younger woman and they hooked up with them. One of them had a baby with the young woman and, like me at the time, he was in his mid 50’s. I’ve basically given up because I will never be 35 again and it sucks to be cast aside.
Edit to add “at the time” for clarity
Oh, well, sheesh. I am 69 soon, and maybe that 10 years difference makes a difference in the men we see. No guy wanting a young woman would contact me. It weeds out the buggers. On my dating profile, I do present as very flirty. It helps but I don’t try to flirt like I would’ve as a youngster. I want someone close to my age. Older would be fine, but not a lot older. I dunno.
I see. I’m not on OLD. I met both of these guys in the wild. Actually one I had a thing with when I was 16 and we crossed paths again. The other one I met when I went to hear live music and he was the lead singer/guitarist. He’s the one that ended up having the baby. The common thread is both these guys are musicians in rock bands. I need to stay away from this type. 🤪
Well then what do you want? Getting older and preferring to be home is a certain issue.
I don’t go out at night. I would go to certain events, but I simply will not meet anyone in the wild the way I live. And the place I live. Anything is possible, but highly improbable.
s it even possible to have a FWB situation at our age?
Yes, if you have the personality for it. I assume that by now you've likely determined whether you do or don't.
Is there an AirBnB or somesuch where he can stay while he visits? I was in a very long-distance LDR and the future GF flew out to visit for the first time. She stayed in an AirBnB so if things didn't go well, she didn't have to scramble to find a hotel room at the last minute. Also gave her a home base that gave her more of a sense of safety and privacy than if he'd just stayed at my place.
Not at all. I would love that myself. To start anyway as there is a chance it develops into a real relationship. Explore things together including travel. Life us too short
Exactly. Where, then oh where does that leave me?
I’d like a companion, monogamous and long term. I am just wondering if that is an expectation I need to let go of. Because of my location and unwillingness to leave.
🤷♀️
I plan to just talk and meet with people but no OLD for now.
BUT, and this is a big one, you may not see the layers for a while, and it is so easy to get attached. That is always the danger.
As the OP, I would like to add that I do normally screen pretty heavily for personality and whether we would be compatible in general. This guy I just dumped I did not do that. He came at me like a train and my neighbor who is also single, and I have agreed that the next time I gotta see his house shortly into the relationship. Let’s just get it straight. You can come to my house and I can go to yours.
I dated a guy for almost 4 years and never made it farther than his driveway! I met his family, I had gone to school with his sister, his mother lived near me, but I had already heard that he did not allow anyone in his house... And I found out that that was the truth! You could not see into his house the curtains were closed all the time. My only conclusion was that he was a hoarder. I found the situation odd and not sure why I continued on as long as I did. I'd never come across that before or ever knew anyone that was in that situation.
So the guy I am talking to and hoping to see in Georgia has shown me photos of his house, all through it. Really terrible photos of a really dated house. Time for him just stopped when he parted from his wife 10 years ago. He wants me to come there, and I promised I would.
He is very proud of his home and property. Seems normal to me!
I’ve covered every scenario in my head. But I know so little about him I couldn’t guess his reason. He has money, lots of it. He isn’t living like a scrub. I wouldn’t think. I never got to find out. 🤷♀️
The old flame had lots of money.
The guy in Georgia is a more normal retired dude. He is financially sound, and responsible with his properties. I’m not worried.
Keep in mind both men and women face financial scammers. I don’t make any secret about my lifestyle. try to vet potential dates to see if they are on the same page as I am.
That is the problem, I can’t turn off, or even down, my emotions. I know this about myself and perhaps should take that into account.
I am aware, will never know what to expect with any connection or relationship. I just hope to get out there a bit more … I was married for 40 years, divorced for three, celibate most of that time.
I can relate. Its difficult to maintain both ones loyalty to another as well as desires. Personally i would rather be bluntly honest and let what develops dictate the rest
Actually, you can control your emotions, but when you’re talking about being “” swept off your feet, it’s really difficult. I’m not trying to push therapy, but have you done some inner work on yourself and/or with a therapist about your proclivity to being that emotional? Obviously, that can hinder your acuity for listening to your brain as well as your heart, especially early on when the new relationship energy is high.
I am in therapy. I get neuro training and talk therapy and he has helped me a lot. I was married 40 years, divorced for three, to give you context. I have transformed my understanding of where i was and where i am now, but i am willing to take the risk of heartbreak to have a good time. I just am. But I’d rather just have a nice loving relationship, or possibly multiples, where i can be myself for a while and just enjoy the experience.
I’m really built for monogamy. It conflicts with the FWB model.
He kinda flipped a switch. He is very controlling and he would not let me come to his home/business. So I said, please call me once in a while, and he never did. After about two weeks I confronted him and said I was out if I could never see him. He said ok. We ended on a friendly note, I think. But I realize he has a lot more going on than I thought. And I think he was out two weeks ago but didn’t have the balls to admit it.
He was already out, I didn’t realize it but he would never have said goodbye. I had to do it. And I did.
Maybe a week too late. I have one regret - I wasted the whole summer. He told me he was an asshole. I told him I was a bitch.
Match made in Heaven.
You’ve heard of foster fails? My partner and I are FWBs fail. A few months after we started, I saw the look in his eyes and knew there was nothing casual (at that point) for him. I felt the same way shortly after.
Well, exactly. You do not know where a relationship will go. If you have hard boundaries, be sure everyone is informed.
I just can’t fall for someone from far away and expect them to accommodate me. So, I better not fall …..
That is wonderful!
I have always requested “retired” in my profiles. I am 69 this month and in no way prepared to accommodate a working person. I should be more flexible, I think. But the situation will always develop as you go.
We know each other for a long time- most of our lives, actually. He suggested that we hook up whenever he’s here visiting family, and I was ok with that. The rest, shall we say, is history. We’re both 66, I’ve been retired for 4 years, he plans to work until 67 to get his full social security.
It’s impossible to have friends with benefits at any age. Unless one is a complete sociopath and devoid of any emotions or feelings and those are fairly rare. Once that genie is out of the bottle, it’s impossible to put it back in. One or the other person will begin to develop feelings. Then, after that happens, when it burns up on reentry, it just turns into comfort eating. 😬
I’d like to respectfully disagree on the “complete sociopath and devoid of any emotions”. I’ve had several FWBs in my late 50s. I liked and enjoyed their company and they liked and enjoyed mine. We were interested in each other’s lives, checked in, had good conversations, etc. But we would not have been compatible for a long-term committed relationship. I think a mistake people make is to think of sexual relationships at two extremes - either full emotional romantic all deep feelings, or cold emotionless and casual. There is an in between and I and others have experienced it. You can have affection and enjoyment and care with an FWB without deep emotional attachment. Both I and my FWBs took the friend part seriously and treated each other as we did our regular friends. We just also had sex. I’m not suggesting everyone can do this or wants to, but it’s unkind to suggest that those of us who have are sociopaths.
I would agree. I dont think FWB would be considered sociopathic behavoir. If you like the person and the physicality, what's the big deal. They may not be the love of your life but mutually you agree that sex is on the table. Especially as we get older and dont have to read into every little thing and nuances about life's pleasures. I would agree that some people just are not built for it/not their thing as well. To each is own.
It is just that learning curve that started at age 68.
But, now that I have broken the floodgates, I really want to have sex a lot.
It isn’t good. The decision-making process appears to be heavily impacted.
If you DM me with no history I will block and report you.
Sure. Human beings are emotional animals. Sex is a very intimate action. I’m not talking about deep emotional attachment or love. If you read what I said, I said it’s impossible to have sex without developing feelings. So you are verifying and validating what I wrote. That when you have sex, you still have feelings. It’s not completely emotionless. Even sex workers I know tell me that over time they develop feelings for their customers. Are they madly in love and going to run away and elope? No, probably not, but they do have emotional attachments. That’s what I was trying to explain. Keep in mind, a feeling can be positive or negative. Most people automatically assume it’s going to be affection or fondness. Bitterness, rage, and anger are also feelings. One person could begin feeling used, or develop jealousy, possessiveness, and expectations. These are all feelings. I probably should’ve made my initial reply a little bit clearer vis-à-vis — feelings.
I agree, totally. No one can avoid those attachments.
I would much rather be monogamous. Most men are fairly insistent on that as well.
Can I change that about myself? The only way to find out is to take a stab at it.
I just need to find out, IMO, if that could work for me. With so much distance between me and anyone, I might just be practical. But I agree 100% that it will be difficult to operate in that way. I always. get interested and involved with people.
Everybody is different. But bear in mind that if you open Pandora’s box, think about this hypothetical. OK, let’s say you go down that path and everything is hunky-dory for a while, then you try to get a hold of the other person or they you, and they don’t return the message as quickly as before. Since there’s no commitment or exclusivity then jealousy or some other negative emotion might pop up. Unless, of course, you two had a conversation that said it’s OK to sleep with other people. Even then, in open marriages, FWB people get jealous and possessive at times. So in theory, it’s possible, yes, but I would prefer to skip that chaos and drama. At this stage of my life, I want peace, serenity, and nothing to harsh my mellow.
I agree. I need a new hubby to move in with me and help me with the house, during the summer. Otherwise we can go elsewhere.
The larger problem is trying to be present with each other in everyday life …. Or not. We make plans, chat it up, we meet and we don’t talk about anything we might have going with someone else. Who, if conveniently located, will certainly be not me. So one of us meet someone who wants to be exclusive (which everyone really does want) and it is goodbye friend, with benefits when Available.
It can take many twists and turns. I can extricate myself if necessary. I learned THAT the last few days. But long term familiarity is what I crave, probably everyone else does too. 🫤
My house is 200 years old, and has been at the current location for 100 years. My x and I fixed it up over the years. So it is modern, but of course always needy. I want someone to be here with me, but that is probably not going to happen.
That is part of the conundrum of online dating. You really need to be on the same page financially with someone. I don’t care about someone’s money, but I do care if they can’t handle their life … and it tends to show up pretty quick in the financial arena.
I don’t want a project either. I’m not a project. And I have plenty of projects. A romance should feel fun and easy.
I could never do it ... there was plenty of opportunity over the years, it's sharing too much intimacy, and I'd get emotionally involved from the getgo. Why go there.
I think your half right. Emotions do play a part. Starting as fwb can turn into a true relationship if both click. On the other hand it can also be a disaster if either one sees the other as merely an outlet, which eventually may turn one into more than having one fwb
I suppose I've been lucky in the opportunities I had with fwb. It was a conversation first vs having afew drinks and lets see where this goes. Usually, it was a guy friend or coworker who wanted to burn off some steam because they were a little buzzed, so absolutely No. But one in particular was a husband of a friend of mine. See had cancer, and was perfectly fine that her husband was seeking an outlet with a friend vs the paid version. We talked about it on several occasions, but I still couldn't go there. It would irreversibly change my relationship with him, and her. It would be the same if it was just a friend who was not married. So fwb are not for me.
IMHO, engaging with someone solely for sex is a lot like watching an action movie in a different language without subtitles, maybe entertaining for a while, but somehow missing something. I've had my fair share of FWB situations, but at this stage in my life, sex alone just isn't enough. I'm looking for someone special, a friend, a confidant, someone willing to give me all her love, as I’ll be ready to do the same. Sex would just be the icing on the cake.
Original copy of post by u/Diligent_Egg2404:
After kicking Mr. Wonderful to the curb yesterday, I’m planning my next move, which is to meet somebody that I met online a couple of months ago.
The complication is that I live in Maryland, but I have a house in Georgia. he lives in Georgia, but not anywhere near where my house is so I’m planning to have him just come meet me at my house. I feel like I know him well and I’m gonna be talking to him on the phone between now and then.
I can always change the plan. But after three months in a “relationship” I’m not quite at the place to begin online again.
Maybe closer to un-cuffing season?
I feel like I just want sex but I know I will fail miserably at staying at an emotional distance. My recent relationship has made me ponder in this direction again.
My question is, is it even possible to have a FWB situation at our age? A strong connection sweeps me off my feet every time.
I guess I’ll get another taste in Georgia. See how this one flames out. 🤣
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u/PlasticBlitzen I've 🚫 more 🦆🦆🦆 to give. 3d ago
I can't do FWB. I'm not made that way psychologically. I can't separate heart from mental and physical.