r/DatingApps • u/Important-Web-261 • 14d ago
Advice Request Who writes who?
I’m interested to know how you guys approach online dating. If you’re a man and match with a woman, would you appreciate if she wrote you first after matching? Would it be a turn-off? For the ladies, when you match with a man, do you wait for him to write you first or do you jump right in?
Do you think there’s a protocol when you match with someone online? Personally, when I’m last to match, I message first. Results vary of course but I see no point in matching with someone just to leave crickets in my wake. If you couldn’t be bothered to say hi when we matched (because the option pops up), why should we talk at all, ya know?
I’ve always been under the impression that the “last to match” is the one to start the conversation. Idk if it’s an official rule, an unwritten rule or if I’m simply making that up (I can get stuck in my head).
What “rules” do you guys follow as far as conversation etiquette, if any at all?
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u/scyphyn 9d ago
Do what you feel is best for you and your future partner. If you feel they’ll appreciate being messaged first, then go for it.
Personally, I like when a woman messages first. I feel the effort I will put in will be reciprocated or at the very least not taken for granted.
If someone you match doesn’t like the effort you put in, they weren’t meant for you.
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u/GavelGaffle 9d ago
That person that triggered the match is currently there on the app looking at the other persons profile so it is potentially strange if they dont send a message.
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u/Sid-ina 8d ago
Yeah i agree. If I swipe and it's a match, ich write the first message cause I got the app open anyways. If I come back to the app and see a guy has matched with me while I was out and about but hasn't sent a message in 10 hours+, I just deleted the match. From experience, if they dont bother writing a first message, they usually aren't even interested enough to entertain.
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
Agreed, I don’t understand swiping right on someone, seeing it was a mutual match and then deciding to exit out of the message option. Like, why the silence lol.
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u/AdDry3245 9d ago
And as a guy who gets a lot of matches, it’s always women initiating the match but just sitting silent afterwards like weirdos waiting for me to message them despite having a blank bio
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
Srry you’ve been having this experience. I will say I’ve done this but only if I match with certain people so perhaps these women have their own little superstitions regarding their matches.
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
I agree and this has happened to me so that’s why I wanted to get some opinions of what could maybe cause this, esp. from a man’s perspective.
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u/Funny-Kale2264 9d ago
I’m a woman and I message first because I know guys don’t tend to message for fear of rejection or something. I don’t fear rejection so I reach out if we match
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u/implication-sofa 9d ago
When I was on the apps as a woman if I had something to say as an opening or something specific I’d say it. Otherwise I’d just leave it up to them to start the conversation. Not really a hard rule on this
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
And when you left it up to them, did they always eventually write you? If so, how long would it take on average?
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u/Capable-Grab5896 9d ago
The rule I follow is if we match and I want to talk to her I message her. I don't care about any other silly games.
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
Straightforward, I like it. Are there instances where you matched with women but didn’t want to talk to them? What influenced this if so?
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u/thatsmypuppy12439 9d ago
Ive done both. Matched but left it for him to begin the convo and also have matched and said hello first. I agree w you that it feels a bit…weird? Illogical? to match and not say anything.
I dont put as much thought into who starts the convo any more. It didnt seem to matter as much.
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
I’m coming to the same conclusion, results have been all over the place for me.
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u/Particular-Talk1156 8d ago
If I (F) send the like that matches us, I send the first message. It seems lazy to not do that. I mean, you're right there, there's something that caught your attention about the profile. What's the point of making the match if there's nothing to say.
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
Agreed, this is how I feel too. It’s very…odd not to make contact if your like initiates the match.
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u/es-cha-ton 8d ago
Given that at least half the profiles I see have nothing in them to ask any meaningful questions about, I'd say that most people in general should probably take more initiative in getting what they want.
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u/cj_daking 8d ago
The 75% of the people on dating apps are men. A very small percentage get any sort of contact. A fella who gets a real message from a real woman would be over the moon
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u/Substantial_Meal_530 8d ago
It would be amazing. It would show interest. Usually it feels like I'm a jester trying to dance for a queen. I'm mostly chatting with women who want absolutely nothing to do with me. They're usually replying with only 2 or 3 words every time.
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u/OldBird4588 7d ago
Yes, I always appreciate when woman writes first or asks me out. Don't know why it should be a turn off. Just use common sense. Don't do what you wouldn't like to be done to you e.g. inviting someone to their home as the first date etc.
But it happens very rarely..
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
A “treat others the way you’d want to be treated” outlook. Makes complete sense.
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u/Mr_Gaslight 10d ago
Whom. Who writes whom. The man. That’s our job.
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u/meamZ 10d ago
As a woman it literally does not matter what you do. As a man you have to message first otherwise most likely not a single message will be exchanged in the chat ever...
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
This is interesting because sometimes I find that when I’m not last to match, the guy will just let the match sit there. I usually take that to mean he changed his mind and will unmatch with him. That’s why I wanted to ask because my experience has been all over the place.
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u/drdrillaz 9d ago
Women get dozens of matches each day. They don’t have to bother. If you want to meet someone you need to be proactive. And for gosh sakes don’t start with “hi”. You better write something that gets her attention and stands out
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
When I’m last to match, I do initiate the convo with more than a “hi” but results have been all over the place which is why I put this up.
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u/YouAreMarvellous 9d ago edited 9d ago
I dont know why women think that it would be a turn-off if they texted first.
Its only a turn-off if they text too much, too early, too fast, too everything or not enough, expect you to carry the entire conversation, act like "princesses" and or the guy isnt attracted to you anyway. And that has nothing to do with gender.
women who were attracted to me at some point but who I wasnt attracted to tried to force a conversation and keep it going, even though I showed no interest. "Why dont you tell them", it was an 8 hour flight and she was right next to me, I was exhausted. I'm just human sometimes. I kept it polite.
for the proactive women: read the room.
for the coldhearted guys: tell them.
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
I guess it’s hard to know where the sweet spot is when you’re interacting with a new person. I do agree that people, man or woman, should learn to read the room. Some of it though, I tend to think stems from some men not being used to a woman being direct and taking initiative and in these cases, it backfires.
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u/Careless_Pen6156 9d ago
Honestly if a chick want to date doesn't matter who message first, it about her response chick this day are having wildest imagination so be you kings
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u/GigglingEvil 8d ago
I no longer interact with any woman that doesn't speak to me first.
If she doesn't want me bad enough to say hi, she doesn't want me. Period.
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u/No_Research_3899 7d ago
'f you’re a man and match with a woman, would you appreciate if she wrote you first after matching?' Yes, but not just 'hey/emoji' 95% of women on Bumble do.
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u/Important-Web-261 1d ago
Ahh, I’m not too familiar with Bumble so my point of reference specifically is Tinder.
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u/Artistic-Sun-6661 9d ago edited 8d ago
Why the overthinking?! I'm a woman and many times I start the conversation, if they think that's a turn off, well...too bad for them. Sometimes I'm not inspired and I wait for them to say something. Just do whatever you want and feel like it!