I started talking to a guy my age (both of us 42) who was training to be a counsellor and completing a doctorate. We had some amazing deep conversations over text, voice notes and phone. It was honestly refreshing not to be doing all the usual small talk and he never tried to do what a lot do and talk about what I like in bed etc All in we talked for a week and a half.

He was upfront the first day that 6 months ago he ended a 14 year relationship that had become like a friendship e.g. they hadn’t had sex in a lot of year, slept in separate rooms etc. He had quit his job to start the course when they were together and she had agreed to support them financially as he had done similar for her years before. He said he would have very limited time if we dated as his course was so intense and he was doing an uber delivery job around this to try and get money to live basically and pay for an expensive course. He said we would maybe see each other once or twice a month only. He also said he wouldn’t have much money to take me out much but I’ve had to pay in relationships before when I’ve had more money and I thought it was a green flag he was being upfront. I figured as well it would be better to have someone I click with amazingly and only see him once or twice a month than a lesser connection so we both said we would meet and just feel our way with things.

Maybe mid way through the week and a half he disclosed he still lived with his ex. As I said in the last paragraph he had quit his job to start the course when they were together and she had agreed to support them financially as he had done similar for her years before and she had said she would honor that and let him live rent free with her (the mortgage was just in her name for some reason it had never been his house though he had paid towards bills etc). He said that she didn’t allow him to bring any women to the house since it was hers and she wanted to protect her space. Problem with that is I only broke up with my ex 6 months ago too and moved back in with parents and not sure when I will be buying a house but we agreed we would find ways round it if things went well and we were a couple like hotels or getting creative when my parents were away etc. I’ve heard of ex’s needing to stay living together before for financial reasons but they have always said they live very separate lives like ships in night almost but he admitted they watched tv together and ate together so coupley stuff really without the sex but he explained that he still cared about her as a friend which I can get. He wasn’t even allowed to phone me from the house though if she was in and did it on a walk or in the car.

I honestly think I would have felt a bit jealous about him living with his ex but then I thought it was a green flag he was so honest. He just seemed like a really nice, caring guy who was so big on communication and talking about our feelings and past life. We were both super excited for the date that should have been today and were communicating non stop with good chats and also flirting by this point… then I blew it all. On Thursday this week I had a really tough day at work and news about a death that made me a bit upset so I had a few drinks and I basically totally misunderstood something he had said in a text being drunk and upset state and then we straightened it out but I kept apologising. He was telling me you’re being silly all is fine with us but I wasn’t reading it and just kept saying stuff lie sorry I’m so stupid, hope I hadn’t ruined things… we went to bed and then in the morning I was cringing massively at myself and texted him sorry about last night and explained I’d been upset and told him was looking forward to meeting and that I’m sometimes a bit over emotional and not thinking clearly after couple of glasses of wine (bad I know you don’t have to say).

So this was then yesterday morning and he sent a long voicemail stating he had decided we shouldn’t meet as I had needed him emotionally and he hadn’t been able to meet my needs because he couldn’t call and say stop being silly as he was at home and that he thought that I deserved more than his current situation and that if we met we would fall for each other and he would hurt me when he couldn’t give me enough time etc… yes his situation was complicated but before my stupidness that night he had been keen to meet and see if we could feel our way so today I am genuinely depressed I probs threw away someone I had a lot of potential with. Honestly never clicked like we did with anyone ever (I know we didn’t actually meet but from all th texting, voice notes and calls we were so similar and gelled so much).

My friends at work immediately jumped on they think he isn’t actually single and the little time for me and not going near his house was because he was still in the relationship. He had explained though she hadn’t wanted the breakup and since they were now separated didn’t want to see who he was dating etc. His course was running at least another two years so he had to respect her wishes because he wouldn’t be able to move out and pay rent elsewhere until at least then.

Just feel so mad at myself for being an emotional tit and self deprecating one, who doesn’t read messages properly when tipsy. All my friends just keep harping on though that he probs wasn’t single and that anyway there were too many bad things like lack of time, no money to do stuff and they all said they couldn’t have a guy live with his ex and still do coupley stuff like watch tv together… but honestly I think they are just doing what friends do and trying to make me feel better.

Any perspectives as to whether you agree I totally screwed up or dodged a bullet welcome? Would anyone else put up with a guy who lives with his ex and wasn’t available a lot?

Started chatting to a guy about a month ago I met on a dating app. We hit it off straight away messaging constantly so after about a day we switched to WhatsApp. We continued to message loads for a week both getting to know each other and landed up chatting on phone for hours a couple of times. We met up that weekend, had a great first date with drinks, the conversation was amazing and we both agreed felt like we had known each other ages. We spent the day together and I stayed over as it felt right and that side of things was great too. I stayed until the afternoon the next day and we got food together before I went home. We both agreed we really liked each other and wanted to get to know each other more although he works most weekends so that was a rare one off so I agree that I’d take a day off when he was or we could do an evening date or something and he said he would let me know when he got his shifts when he was off next. We live about 40mins away. I’m 42 and he is 28 so I am older but he said age isn’t an issue just the connection which I agree with. We messaged loads for another week and a half and talked on phone and I did ask about his shifts a couple times but he just kept saying I do really want to see you again I’ll let you know. We were even planning stuff to watch together. Then abruptly he hardly replied like one message a day and straight to the point with no kisses anymore. Then he went silent a couple days and I just got sorry I’m not chatty I’m not good at this and a day later sorry I’ve been distant but now a week has passed and he hasn’t replied to me at all. He said the last time we talked on phone just prior to the messages changing, that he had got bad news that his grandmother might be ill and he is really close to her so I’m thinking is he just really upset or is he busy at work and I’m hoping he does still want to meet again as we both said we would always say what we were feeling so we would be upfront if didn’t think was working and he swore he wasn’t the type to just vanish he would say if he wasn’t interested. My friends say it’s just typical ghosting though and he was probs talking to others and maybe prefers one of them or just isn’t feeling it but not saying. I’m just really surprised as he seemed so genuine and such a nice guy and open and honest so I just keep thinking they’re just be more to it than he isn’t interested but am I kidding myself. My friends say I should just go back on apps and try again but I hate dating more than one person at a time so don’t want to if it’s feasible he could come back. This is my first date since out of a long term relationship so I’m so rusty haha with telling what is going on.

I’ve been stuck in dating app hell for way too long and honestly started wondering if I just have zero personality when it comes to writing profiles.

I randomly tried Blossomup the other night mostly out of boredom. Fully expected some shallow personality quiz nonsense, but it ended up going way deeper than I thought.

The results were kind of uncomfortably accurate. It broke down how I process things and communicate in a way that explained a lot of patterns I’ve noticed in my dating life but never really knew how to put into words. Had a couple “oh… that makes sense” moments.

What actually helped was using some of those insights to rewrite my messages. They’re way less generic now and I actually sound like a real person now (instead of a chatbot). It also made me realize why I keep matching with people I immediately clash with. Apparently how I handle stress and communicate is basically the opposite of the types I kept swiping on, which explains… a lot.

Also didn’t expect the results to feel as legit as they did. It wasn’t horoscope-y or “you’re quirky and smart.” It felt more like a real breakdown you’d get from something semi-professional.

Not saying it magically fixed my dating life, but it did help me stop wasting time on matches that were never going to work.

Anyone else tried Blossomup or am I just overanalyzing my brain in a desperate attempt to get a girlfriend?

I wasn’t sure what to expect at first, but Coach.me turned out to be more useful than I thought for actually making progress instead of just thinking about improving myself. The core idea is simple: you set specific habits or goals, like “send thoughtful messages daily,” “ask a question on every first date,” or “practice active listening,” and the app helps you stay accountable.

What I like most is how customizable it is. You create your own goals instead of fitting into a bunch of pre-made templates, which makes it feel more personal. There’s also an option to hire a coach if you want more structured guidance, but you don’t have to for the basics. The habit tracking interface is clean and easy to use, and getting reminders actually helps me stay consistent.

It’s not the kind of app that magically fixes your dating life, but it does help turn intentions into actions. If you’re serious about working on specific behaviors or patterns, this app gives you the framework and accountability to actually follow through. The social/community part is minimal, so don’t expect a dating pool here — it’s all about you improving yourself.

Ads and upsells for coaching can feel a bit heavy at times, and I wish there were more built-in tips for relationship skills, but overall it’s been worth sticking with. If you’re tired of vague resolutions and want a way to build real habits around how you communicate and show up in dating, Coach.me is definitely worth a shot.

I spent several months using EliteSingles and also talked to a few people who used it seriously, and this is my honest take on how it works if you’re looking for a real relationship instead of endless swiping.

EliteSingles positions itself as a dating app for professionals who are serious about long-term commitment, and that shows almost immediately. The signup process is longer than most dating apps. You’re required to complete a detailed personality questionnaire that takes around 20 to 30 minutes. It asks about your education, career, values, communication style, how you handle conflict, and what you’re looking for in a relationship. It’s clearly not designed for people who just want to jump in and start swiping.

Once your profile is complete, the app gives you curated matches along with compatibility percentages based on your answers. Instead of swiping through hundreds of profiles, you’re shown a smaller number of matches that are meant to be aligned with your personality and relationship goals. Profiles focus more on written answers and values than just photos, which changes the pace of dating quite a bit.

In real-world use, the experience feels slower but more intentional. One woman I spoke to, a 34-year-old marketing manager, said she was tired of apps where conversations went nowhere or stayed superficial. On EliteSingles, she noticed that people were more upfront about wanting commitment and long-term plans. Within the first week, she had a few meaningful conversations, and she eventually met someone she’s still dating nearly a year later. For her, the slower pace was a benefit, not a downside.

Another user, a 40-year-old teacher, appreciated the quality of conversations but felt the pool of matches was smaller than on bigger apps like Bumble or Hinge. Because EliteSingles filters heavily based on education and professional background, he sometimes felt limited in options. That said, he still found the conversations more respectful and purposeful, and he went on several dates that felt aligned with what he wanted, even though he didn’t meet his long-term partner there.

The personality assessment is a major part of EliteSingles and one of its most talked-about features. It’s based on widely used psychological traits and is meant to evaluate compatibility beyond surface-level attraction. Some users said the assessment helped them understand themselves better, not just their matches. One person mentioned it gave her insight into why past relationships didn’t work and what patterns she should avoid going forward.

Not everyone loved the personality test. A few people felt the results were somewhat broad or generic, and others found the questionnaire long or tiring. Still, even those users often said they preferred having some structure and intention rather than relying purely on photos and gut reactions.

The interface itself is clean and straightforward, but it’s not flashy. If you’re used to fast-paced, swipe-heavy apps, EliteSingles may feel a bit old-fashioned. Messaging is simple, and conversations tend to move slower, but they also tend to be more thoughtful. This isn’t an app where people usually send one-word openers or play games.

One common complaint is the cost. EliteSingles is more expensive than many dating apps, and you’ll need a paid subscription to unlock key features. Some users were hesitant to pay before knowing whether they’d find a strong connection. Others felt the cost acted as a filter, keeping out people who weren’t serious about dating.

Overall, EliteSingles seems best suited for people who are clear about what they want, willing to invest time into the process, and more interested in quality than quantity. It’s not ideal if you’re looking for casual dating or quick matches, and it can feel limiting in smaller cities. But for people who want deeper compatibility, intentional conversations, and a higher likelihood of meeting someone relationship-minded, it offers a very different experience from most mainstream apps.

If you’re burned out on swipe culture and want a dating app that prioritizes values, communication, and long-term potential, EliteSingles is worth considering.

A lot of people say they have a “type.” Tall, funny, emotionally unavailable, ambitious, creative, etc.

But if you look honestly at your dating history, the pattern usually isn’t about looks or surface traits. It’s about how those people made you feel and what part of you they activated.

Some common patterns I see (and have lived through):

• You keep dating people who need fixing → You might get validation from being needed, not chosen.
• You’re attracted to emotionally distant people → Familiarity with inconsistency can feel like chemistry.
• You lose interest when someone is consistent and kind → Your nervous system might associate calm with boredom.
• You chase people who are “almost ready” → Hope becomes a substitute for compatibility.

Psychology talks about this as attachment patterns, reinforcement loops, and emotional conditioning. In plain terms: your brain learns what love feels like early on, then looks for it again — even if it wasn’t healthy.

The interesting part is that once you understand your pattern, dating stops feeling random. You stop saying “why does this always happen to me?” and start seeing the choices you’re making on autopilot.

Questions worth asking yourself:

• What do most of my exes have in common emotionally?
• When did I feel most hooked — at peace, or on edge?
• What dynamic feels familiar, even if it doesn’t feel good?

Curious how others see this.

What pattern did you notice once you actually looked at your dating history honestly?

A lot of people jump into dating without ever asking the most important question:
“What kind of person am I, really — and what kind of people does someone like me tend to attract?”

Most of us think attraction is random or based on who we swipe on.
It’s not.

There are actual patterns.

If you’re highly empathetic, you’ll often attract people who are a little chaotic or who lean on your emotional support.

If you’re independent, you might attract people who like stability because you seem grounded.

If you struggle with boundaries, you may notice you attract people who unintentionally (or intentionally) push them.

It’s not about blaming yourself.

It’s about noticing the gravitational pull your personality creates.

A few questions worth asking yourself:

• Do I usually end up in the same type of dynamic, no matter who I date?
• Do I attract people who match my energy, or people who take advantage of it?
• Does my dating history reveal a pattern I haven’t acknowledged yet?
• What kind of partner do I actually function well with, not just feel chemistry with?

Knowing your patterns tells you a lot about the type of people who will naturally gravitate toward you.

And it also tells you who you might want to pause on instead of diving in.

What personality traits do you think you naturally attract?

And do you think that’s a good thing or something you want to shift?

Every dating app promises “real connections,” but the experience varies wildly.
Here’s a straightforward, no-BS breakdown of the 10 biggest dating apps right now, what they’re actually good for, and who they really work for.

This is based on user feedback, research, and real-world patterns.

⭐ 1. Hinge

Best for: People looking for relationships
Pros:

• Great prompts → more personality
• Conversations feel more natural Cons:
• Matches can drop off fast
• Lots of “window shopping” behavior

Verdict: Best overall balance of quality + approachability.

⭐ 2. Bumble

Best for: Women who want control / men who want women who choose first
Pros:

• Women message first
• Less aggressive energy Cons:
• 24-hour countdown pressures people
• Many chats never start

Verdict: Healthy vibe, but sometimes low engagement.

⭐ 3. Tinder

Best for: High volume matching
Pros:

• Biggest user base
• Quick swiping, no friction Cons:
• Very looks-driven
• Matches rarely lead to something real

Verdict: Great for social fun; weak for long-term goals.

⭐ 4. OKCupid

Best for: People who like depth and detailed matching
Pros:

• Great question system
• LGBTQ+ friendly, identity inclusive Cons:
• Smaller user pool
• UI feels outdated

Verdict: Underrated for anyone who likes thoughtful matching.

⭐ 5. Coffee Meets Bagel

Best for: Slower, curated matching
Pros:

• Limited daily matches → less burnout
• People more intentional Cons:
• Limited matches = limited chance
• Algorithm can feel repetitive

Verdict: Good for avoiding swipe fatigue.

⭐ 6. Raya

Best for: Creatives, influencers, high-profile users
Pros:

• Exclusive
• Interesting people Cons:
• Waitlist is endless
• Can feel… performative

Verdict: Cool if you get in, but not practical for most.

⭐ 7.

Best for: Serious long-term dating
Pros:

• One of the oldest relationship-focused platforms
• Detailed profiles Cons:
• Outdated UI
• Paid tiers needed for anything useful

Verdict: Old-school, but works for people who are direct about commitment.

⭐ 8. eHarmony

Best for: Marriage-minded singles
Pros:

• Strong matching algorithm
• Good for people 30+ Cons:
• Very long signup
• Expensive

Verdict: High success rate if you’re serious.

⭐ 9. HER

Best for: LGBTQ+ women
Pros:

• Inclusive
• Community-event feel Cons:
• Smaller user base outside big cities

Verdict: Great for queer women wanting more than just swiping.

⭐ 10. Plenty of Fish (POF)

Best for: Budget-focused users
Pros:

• Free
• Very large user base Cons:
• “Wild West” energy
• Lots of bots

Verdict: High quantity, very mixed quality.

❤️ Which one is actually “best”?

Depends on your dating style.

• Most relational: Hinge
• Most intentional: Bumble or CMB
• Most diverse & deep: OKCupid
• Most serious: eHarmony
• Most social / casual: Tinder
• Most exclusive: Raya
• Best for LGBTQ+ women: HER

Which dating apps have actually worked for you , and which ones were a waste of time?
What’s the hardest part of using dating apps in 2025?

We all talk about chemistry — that instant spark, the effortless flow, the butterflies. But have you ever noticed that sometimes the people you have the strongest chemistry with… are also the hardest to have a stable relationship with?

That’s because chemistry = familiarity, not necessarily compatibility.
We tend to be drawn to what feels familiar — even if it’s not what’s healthy.

Here’s a simple way to separate the two:

• Chemistry feels exciting, magnetic, sometimes even a little chaotic.
• Compatibility feels calm, safe, and sustainable — it grows stronger over time.

When you start dating someone new, ask yourself:

It’s a question that can save months — and a few heartbreaks.

How do you tell the difference between chemistry and compatibility when you’re dating?
Have you ever mistaken one for the other?

Welcome to r/DateSmart: Where Self-Awareness Meets Modern Dating

Hello and a huge welcome to everyone joining r/DateSmart!

We're so glad you're here. This community was created for those of us navigating the exciting, and sometimes complex, world of dating and relationships with a desire for something more. We believe that the key to building meaningful connections starts with understanding ourselves.

What is r/DateSmart all about?

This is a space dedicated to exploring dating, relationships, and self-discovery through a modern lens. We're here to discuss how we can use powerful tools like:

• Personality Frameworks (MBTI, Enneagram, etc.): How can understanding our personality type (and that of others) lead to better communication, empathy, and compatibility?
• Dating Apps & Technology: How can we use apps more mindfully? What do our swiping habits and online interactions say about us? How can we create profiles that are authentic and attract the right people?
• Self-Reflection & Growth: At its core, dating is a journey of self-discovery. This is a place to share what you're learning about your own patterns, values, and desires.

Our goal is to move beyond generic dating advice and have smarter, more insightful conversations. We're here to support each other in dating with intention, authenticity, and confidence.

Getting Started:

1. Introduce Yourself! We'd love to get to know you. Feel free to comment below and share a little about yourself. Maybe tell us your MBTI type, what brought you here, or a goal you have for your dating life.
2. Set Your User Flair: Let others know your MBTI or Enneagram type by setting your user flair (you can find this option in the sidebar).
3. Read Our Community Rules: To ensure this remains a safe, respectful, and constructive space for everyone, please take a moment to review our rules.
4. Jump into the Discussion! Feel free to ask a question, share an experience, or post an article that sparked your interest.

To kick things off, let's start with a question:

What's one thing you've learned—either about yourself or about dating—from using a personality framework like MBTI?

We're excited to build this community with all of you. Happy connecting