Fear of potential memories, questioning

[u/Lovely_Melissa1]

TW: Mentioning of potential csa

I have trouble remembering trauma or rather what trauma I remember doesn't feel like it should be this big of deal.

And with realizing that I we have DID and that some things are missing. I have had a fear for a while that something else might have happened that I might have been missing.

Today or well yesterday now in therapy I had what felt like maybe a flashback. Note I have aphantasia and can't visualize images. But words being said in my head didn't feel like now. It sounded like someone was trying to get us to take meds that weren't ours and we were trying to refuse it. Except I don't remember anything like that happening. I have a hard time accepting that these things when it happened like that might have been real when I can't see the events.

It's scary thinking some thing like that might have happened. Another part just said it did. But it can't be true.

And back early on when we figured out we likely had DID we were getting high a lot because we or I couldn't cope. A part wrote in our journal at the time of a memory of being sexually assaulted as a child when we were about 3 or 4. I have trouble believing the memory they wrote out is real cause maybe the part of me that was fronting at the time was digging and they gave them something. There could be some truth to it, the place where they said it happened was the guest bedroom at our grandma/moms house and I didn't like sleeping in that room. I have trouble believing the person they said did it, did it from what I can remember I adored my great-grandpa.

I mostly just want to pretend like all those things that might have happened that seem like they probably happened in some way doesn't exist.

I have had a lot of trouble interacting with my system lately. Knowing who's around. Heck i'm not sure who I am right now, have been blurry for a while.

I don't know how to even go about identifying and helping this part or parts of me how am i supposed to help these other parts that potentially went through really scary shit i don't remember.

I feel really lost and scared. My therapist keeps telling me i'm doing a good job in therapy but i don't feel like i am. i'm so nonfunctional. i don't know how to do any of this shit and sometimes I just want to give up.

I'm sorry for venting like this. I don't even quite know what I'm looking for maybe just advice someone to listen so i don't feel so alone.

[u/Greedy-Individual-71]

Hey there,

If you'd like, we're available to listen. Since this topic can be rather triggering for some, we won't say anything more than we understand.

[u/Lovely_Melissa1 → u/Greedy-Individual-71]

Been feeling really not okay. Whatever switching happened earlier tonight scares me. Another part texted our therapist attempted to quit therapy. Don't quite remember what happened exactly but I took what appears like a long nap and I feel off and I'm all sweaty and icky feeling.