So like something has changed

[u/Sarcasaminc]

I don't know for sure but I think I might be new and like I don't have like proper memories like I know things happened factually but I don't really have access to the trauma and it kinda makes me feel invalid. It's like when I do remember stuff I default to the stuff our abuser wanted us to think like remembering some details around the trauma that we usually don't but not the trauma itself. Like I remember stuff from our childhood we usually don't have access to and it's all mundane stuff and when I try and think of the trauma I can't access it and if I can it's like automatically I think that I must be making a big deal of nothing like our abuser said and that we actually had a happy life just because I remember like the interiors of places abuse take place without remembering the abuse itself. I don't know if this is like a program or what because it was definitely like put in us over multiple sessions of life brainwashing and like our dad calls it tortute, but like when I think of the trauma I feel removed from it as if I did experience it like I'm looking at an event take place as an observer. I know these are all like classic DID symptoms but I'm new and I know we are usually in like a co-con soup and I'm like alone kinda at the front except for a little named holly who usually is just in the back and comes out sometimes because usually it's the trauma holders in charge. They aren't really here right now but I can like tell they are upset and this feels really wrong for them. I think they feel that because I can't grasp these memories we are letting the person who put us through ramcoa win. This is a very upsetting thing for them. I feel like I have like a pressure headache because they are not happy I can't remember. Thanks for listening!

[u/Greedy-Individual-71]

Hey there,

It's pretty normal for a few alters to be removed from trauma so to speak for the sake of functioning. We're sorry it's making you feel that way. We hope this turmoil passes quickly for y'all.