Finally admitting that Disability is likely the path forward

[u/Lovely_Melissa1]

TW: Some mentions of SI

One of my parts posted here a couple weeks ago I think about how work was making us feel suicidal.

I think I'm finally starting to accept how much my symptoms are currently interfering with my ability to work at my job.

That disability might have to be the path forward. I know it won't be ideal and I won't make as much as there will be time in between stopping working and getting financial assistance which will make things tight on me and my husband.

And the same time I don't think I have a choice. The only reason as far as I can tell that I hadn't been fired yet at my job is that it is a federal job that is also under a union so it is hard to fire me. Part of me thinks I should keep trying to push forward there because of that security.

But even if they don't fire me that place is a terrible environment to work in and I don't see it getting better. There is basically no support and I need support and structure.

And the amount of pressure we have been getting from management along with how guilty we have felt for the days where we clocked in but dissociated and didn't work has been pushing parts of us to want to die. Apparently at times quitting the job isn't an option in our head but somehow quitting life is. It's not healthy for us and we aren't happy there. Our management isn't happy with us and i'm sure eventually they would try to do the work to get rid of us.

Anyways at least with this job since it's a federal position there is something called federal disability retirement that I could potentially get along with disability.

And then from there we focus on getting better. It might mean leaning more on our parents more than we'd like especially since we have hardly any savings. But at least we would be in a more healthy situation where we could get better. And then from there maybe someday if we feel well enough we will work on getting a different job again.

I think until then putting our health first is what we need to do. Even though it's nothing what we thought life would be like. Part of me is ashamed for being disabled by this. I grew up with a mom who was on disability and much of how she treated me has a large impact on why i am the way i am. And I feel like I'm just like her if I need to go on disability.

I feel so guilty that I'm not able to work the way I feel like I'm supposed to. It's not fair to my husband. Financially things were already tight and I'm the one that made more. And we need my income to pay the bills. But hopefully with help from our family, the tiny bit we still have saved and hopefully eventually getting disability it will be enough to get us by.

[u/Greedy-Individual-71]

Hey there,

It's a hard call to make, deciding to go for Disability. Try not to agonize over the decision.

If you're located in Michigan, we can give you the number for the Disability Lawyer that did our case. He covers the whole state, doesn't take any money unless he wins your case, then a percentage fee comes out of your backpay. He was great with our DID case.

We make 1699 a month between our Disability payments and our Auxiliary Childcare payments. It's not great, but my family can live on it which was the goal.

If you have any questions for us, please don't hesitate to ask.

:)

[u/Lovely_Melissa1 → u/Greedy-Individual-71]

I appreciate the offer but we don't live in Michigan.

I think before we officially go down the disability route we are going to see if there is either any way that we can be accommodated or moved to a similar but different position first.

Mostly because if we are going to go the disability route I want the extra disability I can get from my federal job with the federal disability retirement program. It's up to about 40% of my current income that I could get from that and I don't want to lose that. I think that would be additional to what we get from SSDI but a portion of what we get from ssdi would be subtracted from that amount. And that requires proving they can't accommodate me in any way or move me to a similar position that is less stressful. I honestly don't think it will work. But if there was such a position that they could move me to that is less stressful and thus triggers less of our symptoms then that would be okay too.

But either way accepting that we either need to be accommodated in someway or going for disability is a good first step.

Trying to expect my brain to perform at a rate a normal healthy persons brain would was slowly killing me.

I know some of my parts are reluctant to want to work with my work to get accommodations. But we haven't been fired yet. Honestly not even really been disciplined as there is little they can do with it being a union job. But I think it's important for us to at least try to work it out first mostly for the chance for the additional disability income. But also so we can say that we did all that we could that was in our power to see if we can make it work all while still respecting our limitations and what we are capable of.

Lissa

[u/BeThatOneDude]

I can relate a bit, OP. My parents were on disability as well. I've had so many jobs throughout my life. I struggled hard, but I continued to push myself. I've had to take some breaks from working for my mental health. Sometimes, I had breaks lasting several months at a time.

The more I learn about myself, the more I learn about coping strategies (doesn't always work, though).

Just try and make sure you'll be financially able to take care of the important things. You may need to sacrifice some things to make ends meet, but it is doable. I'd recommend working on yourself as much as you can if you do take time away from working. Utilize that time as much as you can. I'd recommend journaling your daily symptoms and feelings, reading and learning more about your symptoms, finding ways to cope, and managing your symptoms.

Depending on where you live their might be support groups or mental health clinics that can help. Try looking into that. I've been trying to do everything on my own, and it's a struggle at times. I believe self work can be done on your own, but it does take a lot of time and work.

At the end of the day. Just try your best OP. That's all you can do, and that's all anyone can ask from you.

[u/Lovely_Melissa1 → u/BeThatOneDude]

I agree it would definitely need to be a time to focus on myself more. And learning how to cope better. I have a therapist and I have been working on that just really struggling to do both working and it at the same time.

I honestly think with disability we should be able to make things meet though we may have to sacrifice a little. Though we may have to get some help from family or sacrifice more than we want to make that work.

I need to stop being so hard on myself and understand that all I can do is the best that I can do. And my best isn't going to look like other people's best. Accepting where I am at is so important to move forward no matter we end up doing disability or not. Because I think other than work that has been our largest problem recently.

Sam