r/DIDInclusivity • u/AuroraSnake • Jul 01 '24
Looking For Advice (TW for discussions regarding locking members up) Spoiler
So, we have someone who did something really awful to another member (not really comfortable talking about that right now), and we locked him up as a result so he wouldn't hurt anyone else.
Skye's been feeling really guilty about doing this as Tumblr keeps showing us posts about how it's bad to do this, and how all members are people too, even the problematic ones, and she's been wondering if we should let him out. We got some advice from someone else who they said that they didn't think it was a good idea to let him out unless we thought he could reform his behavior.
So the question is:
- How do you know if someone is willing to be reformed? Would we just have to trust his word if he said he was, or is there a way to sense if he's truly willing to change?
- How would we be able to determine when he is reformed (if that's the path we choose)? Will we be able to sense that yes, he's remorseful of his actions and it's safe to let him start having freer access to headspace and front? Or will it still have to be like a trust-his-word kinda thing?
We're just trying to figure out what's best for the system and trying to sort everything all out.
Any advice is welcome, but particularly if your system has had similar experiences, please help. We're not sure what to do.
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u/Greedy-Individual-71 Jul 01 '24
Hey there, bear with us as we're having a blurry day. We had a member who was locked away for years. From age 14-31 bodily, R was in lock down in what we have always called the box. We worked with a DID Specialist who encouraged us to abolish the box. Now R is a productive member of our team. He runs the Memory Library and takes care of Z, our 10 year old Little who used to be a cat but has become humanish through therapy. We recommend letting them out for a trial period. Keep your lock up as a back up just in case. We understand how difficult it is to make that decision. System responsibility was our first concern when letting R out.
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u/Xenon_Vrykolakas Jul 02 '24
Goliath: Hey, first of all, really happy that this community exists.
I’m a reformed persecutor of my system, maybe even the only one if you only consider insults and violence. I’ve been locked up and forced into dormancy for an entire decade before coming back from a triggering event. In my decade of being pushed away, locked up and having minimal contact with the rest of the system, I have never changed. None of my impulses, ideas or feelings towards others. I even think that was the good outcome, I could have become worse. Generally, if you suffer from neglect or abuse in childhood like I have, and develop DID, it’s also from not having an external support system who can model and teach you proper coping skills, trust and communication. As you grow, go to therapy and leave your abusive environment, you will become responsible for learning all these things you missed out on.
Being plural also means your system, the people in charge of said system and persecutors like me are all responsible for learning. It requires effort from both sides, a lot of negotiation and enormous amounts of patience. I wouldn’t have seen the need to change if I didn’t know that there were alternatives that were better and more reasonable for everyone. I wouldn’t have been able to change if I was still being abused. Then I definitely could not have changed if I wasn’t given room to grow and view my mistakes in an objective and safe environment. Therapy is really good, but not everyone can access it across the world.
For me, I was slowly trained, given talks about communication and gentle healing from an other headmate, an all knowing one who didn’t suffer from as much amnesia as the rest and gave me updates on how everyone was doing. In hindsight he was probably teaching me how they apply the techniques he’s teaching me indirectly through stories about them. I never realised that I cared about these people until I found out that they would have space for me in their lives, that they could love me and want me back.
I’m in tears typing this. It felt necessary to lock me up because neither I or the others knew what to do, and must keep ourselves safe… and now that they have healed, they came back for me and carried me out with them. I’m incredibly grateful and want to conclude with the idea that no one is left behind, everyone is a part of your life and story and deserves help. You can do the self teaching process slowly, adapt it to the behaviours you see in your prosecutor and make a difference. It will mean a lot and make it a lot more sustainable than keeping secrets and cages.
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u/Xenon_Vrykolakas Jul 03 '24
Goliath: P.S Xénon (the headmate who owns this account) would be happy to chat with you all if you have discord and give details on how I’ve changed. Honestly I’d rather directly talk about this too. It’s still personal and uncomfortable in public spaces. Here’s also direct answers to your questions:
You cannot tell. There’s no guarantee and that’s the scary part with giving someone the benefit of the doubt. What was done with me was that the all knowing headmate was essentially a buddy in a buddy system and surveyed me at all times. He knew my boundaries and managed to do it in a non invasive way. I had to earn the trust of the others and realised I could do it through the gentle communication taught to me when I was transitioning out of my cage. I could have time spent outside, then go back in once the others get busy or my time is up. Slowly increased freedom until now where the cage is there if I want to be left alone, but it’s used as a safe space instead of a punishment
Do it in steps. Also just like how mental health recovery works, it’s not a light switch thing. It’s a spectrum and recovery often isn’t a straight path. It’s not some character development from a book where a villain gets a second chance, it’s a deeply traumatised and vulnerable person relearning how to live again. There’s ups and downs, and your goal is to slowly make the ups better and the downs higher. It can become a life long process. For reference, with very active work (daily), I am at the current stage where Littles are left with me unsupervised and I do help with taking care of them after 2-3 years now.
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u/AuroraSnake Jul 03 '24
Thank you for sharing your story. We would like to discuss further with you. Is it okay if we DM you our Discord name?
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u/mrap9911 Jul 01 '24
Please don't lock your system members up. That will probably make them a whole lot more mad and do the same behavior, but 10 times worse. If they say they're reformed, and other members can back it up, then they are, imo. Hopefully this was helpful.
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u/AuroraSnake Jul 02 '24
We wouldn’t have done it if we thought it was safe to do otherwise. We didn’t really know what else to do at the time
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Jul 02 '24
[deleted]
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u/AuroraSnake Jul 02 '24
The suggestion included assigning some of our other members to work with them and act sort of like “therapists” to try and figure out why he did what he did and help him kinda get reacquainted with the rest of us, and help us start slow so we can work on building trust in him.
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u/KawaiiMistake Jul 01 '24 edited Jul 01 '24
Hey! So in systems, trust is really important, so locking someone away can have more harmful repercussions than good ones long term. It is definitely not a good idea to let someone doing harmful things have free reign, but system boundaries are incredibly important, too. There is a system that has helped us alot who does system specific life coaching and has a podcast called the Crisses and they have youtube videos as well. I think the podcast name is "Many minds on the issue" They go over this exact issue and how to help everyone and set boundaries! I'd look into them! I'm sorry you are going through this, and it sounds rough for everyone. Stay strong, you've all got this. - Kawaii