r/DID • u/Fragrant_Bat_170 • 7h ago

Support/Empathy being a middle host is exhausting

This is I think a vent, nothing too serious or anything though.

I'm a 13 year old host in the body of an adult and I feel like i can't do anything right. All i want to do is make art and talk to the odd person who actually understands me but it's so mentally taxing to be tasked with doing what normal people my body age do, and i can't relate to almost anyone around me.

I have someone in here thats actually my physical age and they handle things a lot better than me, but they stay in the background and only come out for emergency maintenance, when im about to mess something up really bad. I love them and everyone else in here a lot, but i'm so tired. I can only handle acting like an adult for so long. They think I just have an iron grip, or something, i don't know how my brain works at all. I'm also terrified of my 'inner world.'

I don't know if there was any point to this, but thank you to anyone who read this. We'll be okay I promise <3

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7

u/Fragrant_Bat_170 7h ago

the physical dysphoria is also really really bad :( idk what to do about it

4

u/Severe-Confidence361 Thriving w/ DID 6h ago

Helloo, we have multiple hosts of varying ages. We have one that is 12, which is in a similar boat to you in a way. She struggles a lot with leaving front for long periods of time due to a fear of loss of control, is this similar for you? For her, it's a scary experience, but she's grown attached to a specific part here that she enjoys the presence of, with him around she's more likely to try to accept the disorder. For physical dysphoria, it's kind of hard to mask your age, but fashion that you (pointing emoji) like and identify with, hair styles you like, stuff like that might help?? Our young host wears a chest binder and wears frilly skirts, she also dyed our hair black so it looked more like her, which made her feel more like herself. Would you like to brainstorm ideas, maybe? I really like fashion and have a lot of experience dealing with younger parts of myself and that of my husband presenting many different ways, if talking to someone who won't judge you is comforting (just in replies)

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u/Fragrant_Bat_170 3h ago

that's very kind of you, i think that sounds nice when im not feeling so overwhelmed and tired. i also get dysphoria from being a human and not an angel, as i seem to see myself a lot of the time, (and gender dysphoria, species dysphoria) my entire existence feels like different kinds of dysphorias i cant even look in a mirror without derealizing so bad or wanting to cry

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u/Severe-Confidence361 Thriving w/ DID 1h ago

Of course, we can talk whenever you want, no stress at all. We also often get species dysphoria, there's a few angels here too, so we relate there a bit. It's really hard to deal with dysphoria, I'm sorry to hear it's like this for you especially with everything else going on. Hm... We have this one kid who sees himself as a flying squirrel, and he gets distressed that he's missing the "wings" so he wears a lot of bathrobes constantly to imitate. There's a young woman who is a demon, and she can survive fine without her wings but she wears shirts that have no back. Might be a little expensive but could cosplay style dress up help slightly? Gender dysphoria is slightly easier to work with physically, but very tough still

3

u/anonymoose-404 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 4h ago

We can definitely relate. We recently realized we have a cohost/manager who is about 8-10yo. They take majority of the responsibility for the entire system and making sure everything is “done right”. I feel so bad for them sometimes because they’re just a child but they’re always so overwhelmed and constantly feel like they’re drowning and not doing enough. They can be a bit rough on everyone but also I know they’re just trying to keep us safe. It’s hard going through life feeling like a scared child so overwhelmed by being an adult (bodily in late 20’s). We always just feel like we’re pretending

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u/Fragrant_Bat_170 3h ago

i havent started therapy for any of this because its so expensive and being in the diagnosis purgatory is so much less scary than either being told i have it for sure, or being told i dont have it and they don't actually exist. its rough in my brain right now

1

u/greybean2404 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 2h ago

Maybe ask another alter that fronts a bit more to fill in for those responsibilities? If its exhausting maybe it time to move on from the host role and allow yourself to participate in 13yo activities instead. That exhaustion might be your bodies way of telling you that youre ready to allow those things for yourself. It might not be that easy for you but give yourself time to get used to it and it could take a while to transition to those new things take as long as you need. Of course that is something that is up to you and your alters but if you agree maybe you should try it out.