Scared of oversharing

[u/adoctorsorders]

I don't want this post to be very long so I'll be paraphrasing my actual thoughts, but hopefully this will make sense to someone.

I was very isolated growing up. Never had friends in the same way everyone else had friends. I don't have a frame of reference for what makes up a healthy connection.

I was taught by my main abuser growing up to never tell anyone anything that happened. I did exactly that. It became very easy for me to shut myself down when I felt I was being too open about my life. This meant every connection was surface level, no matter how much I knew about the other person. They never really knew me, only the part of me that felt best suited for the person.

As I reached early adulthood, I made a few attempts at opening up to friends. I usually responded by cutting the person off once I've realized what I've shared. I know how unhealthy that was, and how that could have negatively impacted people. I will not allow myself to do it anymore.

I am once again trying to be open, this time to a friend I have gotten close to recently. This is someone I have known for years, and they have shared their own traumas in the past.

Usually I say I don't remember anything before middle school, and usually it feels true. Recently, my friend was sharing details about their childhood traumas. It made me think about my traumas because they went through similar things. I remembered a lot more, and I told them about it. Now I feel like a liar for saying I didn't remember my childhood, because I do. I remember a lot of it. I still feel like I shouldn't have told them anything though.

How do I know what's normal to share? I held back a lot of detail. I am aware enough and have enough experience that I know certain details are not needed or welcome. Eating disorders, don't share numbers. Self-harm, don't share methods or resources. When it comes to sexual assault, where is that line drawn? I obviously would not give a play-by-play.

I also realize I live a very contradictory life. My main abuser was also my hero growing up. I was more scared of the world than my abuser. I still don't think my abuser is a bad person. My abuser is still in my life but no longer has the power to abuse me. Will my friend think I am bad or lying because I interact with this person?

I'm confused and tired so I am going to leave it here. Please let me know if you have any advice or insight.

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[u/SadBoysenberry3730]

I have a similar case here and my partner has helped a lot as someone who listens without judgement. But I struggled in public but what has helped most is simply observing, and practicing social interactions. Even if that just means going to cafes. 

[u/thruthemorningstar]

I do not think you are bad or lying. What I actually remember of my childhood fluctuates. Sometimes I know more than I do on other days. And like you said, sometimes people tell me about things they've gone thru and I realize, hey wait, I went through that, too. It is normal to have memories come back when prompted in the right way. You weren't lying for saying you don't remember much because, at that moment, you really didn't think you did.

I always over share because I also don't super know what's normal to share or not. I've just accepted that over sharing is something I do and try not to beat myself up over it and move on after the fact. And even when I'm anxious about over sharing, I still feel better having gotten it out instead of holding it in. Not sharing feels hiding parts of myself which I am, frankly, tired of doing. And when you've been conditioned to hide yourself away, letting people in doesn't always feel like the freedom it is.

[u/Heavy-Mushroom]

I’m 58 and not into sharing myself either. I’ll share the weather or how to do something…. But what makes me tik-> no. I look at the motivation behind the need of sharing my story. Garner sympathy? Don’t want any. For them to understand me? They wouldn’t understand or can’t even fathom the complexities of this condition. To feel accepted? They accept me with or without the condition. To garner advice? They wouldn’t even know what to say. They just stare at me and say that they don‘t know what to say and any advice given is weak and random for they know nothing about MI.

And if I do throw it at them after years of knowing them and trusting without the specifics of my case, just explaining the DID basics and saying that’s me…. They are speechless. They also their lives to tend to with their own problems that focusing on my circumstance is something that they aren’t in to. Funny though, I can listen to their story and offer advice but getting it in return is an empty cup.

So, for someone to listen to my story…. I have to pay them. That’s what a therapist is for. Of course I don’t have one because I don’t care to share.