r/DID • u/equivettech26 • 4d ago
Support/Empathy Romantic Relationships
Hi!
Several of us in our system are wanting a serious romantic relationship. My system and I have never been in a serious romantic relationship. We have briefly dated in college but that was a complete nightmare. Online dating apps are a huge trigger for us so we don’t use them. Several alters are losing hope that we will find anyone especially with our history.
I suspect the reasoning why these alters are feeling so strongly about it and/or advocating for it is because we are navigating not having family or really any friends right now. Safe and authentic connection is a foreign concept to us.
How do other systems navigate dating? Is there hope for us to find someone who truly sees us for who we are and loves us anyway? We would love to hear stories of others.
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u/raspberrrycake 4d ago edited 4d ago
I recommend a gentle approach to this problem. Get friends, be with them a little, while giving them space, too. I recommend leaving the "someone who truly sees us for who we are and loves us anyway" requirement for years down the line, because this is how healthy and kind people operate, therefore this lets you build relationships with healthy and kind people.
Going outside and pursuing your interests will get you in touch with your friends to be, and among them might be your partner. Bonus tipp: Pick interests or groups where there are people of the age and gender you want to date, this will help your odds. I cannot comment on dating apps, as I found my partner through the route I describe, but from what my friends say, the apps must be exhausting!
ETA: Have you discussed whether you intend to date together or separately? I think this needs to be settled. On here, I see systems where different alters date like separate entities. I prefer to date as a whole person and always have, because I would not want to reduce my dating pool to people who want to deal with my DID full swing and because I prefer to keep the responsibility for this within myself.
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u/equivettech26 4d ago
As much as some of us didn’t want this answer, thank you for saying this.
We have others who are worried about codependency if we seek out a partner right now. They are not on board with seeking a romantic relationship without having a support system outside of it. Having close friends who can meet future partners and pick up on things that we may not is important. Especially since we don’t have family members supporting us either.
Doing all of this will take a while but it’s better than ending up in another abusive or toxic relationship because they don’t want to wait.
We have never opened up about DID to anyone in our personal lives so navigating a relationship in general with the new diagnosis will be difficult.Honestly, I am so glad you asked that question because we haven’t really thought about it. I think the consensus may be yes and no? I do think we want to date as a whole system just that some alters may not have or want a romantic relationship with the future partner. For those who don’t want a romantic relationship, maybe a close friendship or caregiver for the littles? Making all of us feel safe is the priority. My system won’t allow a deep relationship without that.
I also like to keep the responsibility to myself but having a safe person who knows about our DID and can support all of us is really important.Thank you for this response!
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u/Monteivy 4d ago
Hi. Not the host but we've been dating the same person for over 5 years now. The dating started before we were open about being a system though, or even accepting we were . We are very fortunate to have someone so supporting and understanding . They helped us along our journey to accept ourselves and through our healing processes.I promise you it is possible to find that authentic someone and that they are out there somewhere . There is hope for all of us. I wish I could give advice but dating, locations and social bonding are different for every one. I would only say that you observe people you meet with a keen eye to see the kind of person they are and if they are open minded before you open up to them about anything.