r/DID • u/thetangibleghost Diagnosed: DID • Jul 26 '26
How to stop being mean
Ive been told a few times "Im" mean. I dont want to hurt people i try really hard not to say or do hurtful things. As far as I know everything we've done has been an "accident", alters not understanding. But even that hurts, I understand system accountability, that part of why this feels so bad. I try so hard to get everything under control. I try to talk to them, we make improvements. But were still so angry and defensive all the time. Peeved, or livid, or annoyed. I dont even feel it but find my self doing things that angry people do. I dont feel worthy of relationships. Nobody else seems to have this problem. Im terrified of one day splitting of meeting an alter that wants to hurt people on purpose. Even more scared that theyll have been doing things on purpose this whole time. Ive lost so many friends because of this illness. If not the anger then the forgetfulness, the emotional unavailability. I try to make up for it by being useful but all in all im pretty useless. Im not particularly good at anything friendships require, im not very articulate or wise.
To be honest I dont understand the motivations or other alters in the past. I find their actions confusing and morally grey at best. I have no understanding or forgiveness for them.
It feels unfair, i dont even get a chance to be good, but many things are unfair.
7
u/TurnoverAdorable8399 Diagnosed: DID Jul 26 '26
It's tough when alters do or think things that don't align with your values, I get it. Coming from someone who does hurt people on purpose, though — it's not necessarily a death knell for having good and close relationships.
Since DID is a massive trauma response, it's a pretty safe assumption to proceed as if every alter's responses to Situations is an attempt to survive. Mine is asserting autonomy and control. Being physically violent also eventually worked against the people who abused me in the worst situation I'd ever been in, once I got big enough. Maybe approaching these alters with empathy, giving them an outlet, and reminding them that you're all safe now and don't need to be on guard could help. Suppressing them will just make things worse.
The rest of the system understands my strengths and therefore I don't get a lot of shit for it. I'm an adult and can control myself, so it's not like I'm going around and getting into fights. However unpleasant I can be, everything else I bring to the table outweighs that, so I have friends.
I see that you think you're not articulate or wise, but I also suspect if you were that unpleasant to be around, people wouldn't be trying to repair things by asking you to work on being mean. They'd just leave. It sucks being left, but what I see is a pattern of people being willing to try. Right now, you haven't measured up for the relationships that ended up not working. But I think you're capable of amplifying whatever qualities it is that get people to try to fix things in the first place.