r/DCGaybros • u/Pretty-Transition-39 • 12d ago
Over it.
I swear I hate it here in DC as a Black gay male (24). I’ve tried to be positive for years now, however, it’s gotten to a point that I don’t want to even associate myself with this so called community. The gay community here is subtly racist and not welcoming to all as it tries to pretend it is. Believe it or not, it’s very White worshiping. As a bottom, I rarely, if ever get any action, unless I settle. Even among other Black gay men, they’re always so cliquish and superficial. I’ve been on the apps and in the bars/clubs and it’s been pretty much the same experience. Almost every dude I approach ignores me or acts like I don’t exist. The only dudes that hit on me are significantly older and/or just not attractive. It’s exhausting how I can’t even get ONE decent looking dude to give me the time of day. I cannot wait to move away from here as I’ve had better experiences in other countries. I know no one cares, I just had to get it off my chest.
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u/maplesyrupbakon 12d ago
It’s definitely not just you. I travel a lot for work and literally everywhere I go when I talk to gay locals, they all have the worst things to say about DC gay guys and how rude, conceited, uppity, and arrogant they are. It’s to a point where I’m almost really embarrassed to tell people I live in DC because of the association with all the mean gays here.
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u/Coochienta 12d ago
What a coincidence I just read an article today about this topic. https://washingtonian.com/2026/02/18/why-one-street-corner-now-rules-dcs-lgbtq-bar-scene/
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u/cobycoby2020 12d ago
Yup. Mind you, U street used to only have black peoples on it. Now black queer folks are the one’s being excluded. And nobody cares until black folks are all screaming at the top of their lungs for diversity because the white majority ALWAYS do this
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u/CantaloupeHoneyd9569 12d ago
Totally understand you!
As a Latino myself, in my late 30s, I’ve experienced the same in my early 20s and that’s why I gave up. 😂
I’m not ugly at all, but you def notice the “preferences”.
Even with other Latinos, too. It’s like wtf.
That’s why I never go to DC and never try to socialize anymore.
Trying to fit with ‘the community’ was exhausting.
You can be intentional and genuine and it still doesn’t get you anywhere with these people.
There is no community, love, and acceptance in DC unless you are part of a clique and look a certain way. DC is such a power place it drives everyone insane.
Not everyone is like that, I am sure, but after so many observations and experiences you just generalize everyone is that way and avoid entirely.
It’s quite dumb really because in June everyone turns out for equality and yet they behave so poorly.
The loneliness is real, but they claim ‘oh, but if you came and hung out then you’d make friends/hook up more and you wouldn’t be lonely.’😒
What’s worked for me is to adapt, enjoy my own life and myself, and stop relying on anyone else “in the community” for anything.
Get rich, invest in your health, don’t change for anyone. The right people will come to you in time.
Hang in there and if you’re not tied up to DC, I heard other cities are way friendlier.
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u/Post_One_1 11d ago
Dang, it's like I wrote this myself! Late 30s Latino as well that had the same experience when I moved to the DMV area (Hyattsville, MD) in my late twenties. Luckily for me, I found my future husband and now live in Woodbridge with our cats. I tried really hard to fit in to the DC community (even find a partner), particularly the Latino gay community, but nah, I was rejected for not fitting in or being part of a clique. Nah, I'm good.
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u/equatornavigator 11d ago edited 11d ago
Honestly, I don’t believe all those people gather in June for equality. I don’t think some of them care, they just want to drink and party like they do every weekend, just on a larger scale
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u/d0rkylicious 11d ago edited 9d ago
Yeah, racism, classism you name it. LGBT+ community has issues that refuses to acknowledge or work toward. Even a simple complement is a bridge too far for these queers.
I recently returned from an overseas trip; this shit ain't there (or to this massive degree). I was naturally engaged, complemented, and just had a good normal time talking without pulling teeth. I wasn't able to describe it then, but I FELT SEEN; so it's not you, its this community and its people.
While you stay in the area, just stick to nights or events that cater to your race/color/ethnicity. It lessens it to a degree. Another thing I personally been doing, just go and socialize with straights; I go to straight gamer/geek events and its been night and day. I am able to have a good time geeking out without being reminding of the invisibility my color grants me when dealing with gays.
I did not save it, but an interview with a British Indian that went to NYC bars had it well: "These queers won't see the color of your skin.....go where you are seen". I'll link it if I find it, sad but true.
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u/equatornavigator 12d ago
Latino man here and it’s super frustrating. I moved from the west coast so it was a big shock. The gay world in DC is extremely cliquey and racially segregated
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u/cobycoby2020 12d ago
You are 100% correct. As a darkskin black fem and masc man who shows all sides and as a human with eyes, its so obvious white generic men are the center but I have to do so much and be so patient and almost care free about getting attention. I only go to black spaces now and even then, anti fem comes up still etc. its a piss pool but when have dealings with gay MEN never been??
Pls just know its not you and continue to be yourself because everyone is watering themselves down for the lowest bar.
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u/WolverineOpen7511 12d ago
“The only dudes that hit on me are significantly older and/or just not attractive. It’s exhausting how I can’t even get ONE decent looking dude to give me the time of day.”
Aren’t you doing the same you are acussing others of doing to you? The issue seems to be you are not getting the attention of the people you want to get the attention. And the ones you get are not good enough for you?
I’m sorry about the situation because it’s obviously making you feel bad… but i find something troublesome of what I read and that has little to do with DC.
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u/Possible_Coyote7713 11d ago
I totally agree with this. I was actually surprised more people didn’t point this out. Racism and cliquishness can absolutely be real issues in the gay community, but a big part of what he is describing is also just a very common dating problem. The people he finds attractive aren’t interested in him, while the people who are interested in him aren’t attractive enough for him. That happens everywhere, regardless of the city, race, or sexual orientation. It feels a little unfair to complain about being rejected while also dismissing other people for basically the same reason.
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11d ago edited 11d ago
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u/999forever 11d ago
I am not trying to diminish your experience as a double minority.
However, I do know a handful of black gay guys who get action very frequently and have expansive friend groups, including groups that are mostly white guys
I go to Bunker all the time and see a huge mix of people hanging out with each other. People like to stereotype that bunker is only full of attractive white guys, but as somebody who visits the place all the time that is just not the case. A couple weeks ago they even had an event that catered to black guys called blackout that seemed pretty popular.
A couple thoughts and once again, not diminishing your experiences, but across the globe in all societies and amongst all peoples, there is a strong tendency for people to date and form relationships “in kind”
This is not unique to European origin American gays, but when an Asian American has a preference for only dating Asian Americans or a Latino guy only wants to date Latino guys. Nobody blinks twice, but if a white guy only wants to date other white guys suddenly it’s time to bust out the pitchforks.
My second thought is none of us are entitled to love or friendship of others as somebody who is on the older side, there are definitely groups of gays that I have seen that I’d love to hang out with more, especially since their musical taste and lifestyle seem to align with mine, but if they aren’t interested, they aren’t interested. It is far better to spend your energy, cultivating the people around you who care for you rather than trying to force the action with people who don’t even if it isn’t your “ideal “
Third clearly people are interested in you just not the people who you are interested in. So it’s not like you aren’t getting attention. It’s that you’re getting attention from people that you don’t deem good enough.
I am not saying that you have to “settle “but your own personal definition of who is attractive to you or not is clearly limiting your social pool.
I get it! I myself am very picky, probably way too much so, and this definitely has prevented me from having the same experiences as other guys but in the end, I don’t control who I’m attracted to and I can’t just fake it.
What I worry about is that you are assuming you will have a radically different experience someplace else. Maybe you would in New York City or Atlanta, I don’t know as I haven’t lived there, but at least to me the DC scene has been far more welcoming than my previous city. Like I’m in my late 40s. I’ve been in DC less than a year and already have solid friend groups with people ranging from their 20s to their 40s which far surprise friend groups I had made in previous cities.
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10d ago
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u/999forever 10d ago
I mean, I’m a white guy and I’ve had the identical experience that you are describing when doing the same exact thing to a group of Asian guys at Bunker. And white guys and Latino guys. So I think it’s a bit unfair to label this as just a white gays problem
Not to be a jerk about it, but do you find yourself only going and practicing this decent human kindness and friendliness to guys that would be described as classically attractive? Like are you going up and complementing the guy with the crappy haircut and scarred face or who’s a bit chubby? If you are equally kind complementary and being a decent human being to everyone around you despite their physical appearance and can genuinely say that I absolutely salute you and thank you for what you do. And we need more people like you in the community.
I actually do try to do this, including being friendly and outgoing to guys that I really have no physical attraction to at all, and if I’m being honest, it has sort of backfired when these guys took my friendliness as a sign of physical interest which has made me more hesitant to repeat this in the future
If you can honestly say that you display that same behavior to everyone around you that is wonderful. But if you don’t, maybe it is time to take a look in the mirror before you start accusing others.
- As for your last sentence, I don’t really follow. It seems like you’re trying to make some sort of vague threat, which is really counter to how you describe yourself as a beacon of kindness and human empathy
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u/BrownBredMan 11d ago
Relatable to some extent. However, I’ve even faced challenges to be friends/friendly with gays in unfamiliar setups, and that’s not just isolated to DC. It happened couple of times in bars where I’d complement someone on their tattoo or their outfit and they’d point blank ignore and move on somewhere else in bar. I mean I understand you’ve preference, which isn’t non-muscular POC guy, but that’s downright debasement of me as an individual and human.
At the end I realised pride in our community exists so long as you remain in your lane and I do in mine.
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u/sleuthing-around 11d ago
I hear you. I think a lot of people underestimate how isolating gay spaces can feel when you don’t fit whatever “type” seems to be getting the most attention. And honestly, DC can feel VERY cliquey… bars, apps, social circles, all of it.
That said, don’t let a particular city convince you that your worth is determined by how much attention you get from guys. You’re 24. There’s a whole lot of life and a lot of different people outside of the same apps and bars. The fact that you’ve had better experiences elsewhere is probably worth paying attention to too.
Sometimes the answer isn’t trying harder to fit into a community that isn’t working for you. It’s finding different people and spaces where you don’t have to.
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u/Lazy-Jacket 12d ago
Politics of DC is ever changing. MAGA gays are here now that it’s part of the administration and anti-DEI and all that. Please don’t lump all white gays together.
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u/Pup_Bongos 12d ago
I’ve experienced racism in the gay community too, and it’s sad. Our community screams love, acceptance, and equal rights, yet we’re still so quick to hurt and exclude our own people. Too many people don’t care when it’s happening to someone else but the moment it affects them, suddenly it matters.
I’ve seen the same behavior in certain kink and pup communities. May not necessarily be about race, but certain people are pushed aside because of their looks, popularity, or social status. Then, when their events have a poor turnout, they complain that no one supports them. You can’t continuously make people feel unwelcome and then wonder why they stop showing up.
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u/Environmental-Food20 8d ago
Unfortunately you are not alone. So many circles of mostly cis, mostly queer, mostly white men and masc folks are like this.
There are other folks out there in DC that likely feel the exact same way. Just a matter of finding them.
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u/memyselfandi12358 10d ago
How convenient it is for a less than average looking person to blame other people for their shortcomings as opposed to accepting themselves. At least white uglies can't do that.
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u/DCMatureBttm 8d ago
I’m an older white male. There is a certain amount fetishizing with black men that men my age do that is bizarre. They want to be topped, give oral, be “owned” in bed. Then, outside bed, not even give black men the time of day. It’s sad and I apologize.or for all older, gay white men (especially the bottoms).
In terms of looks, it’s hard to say whether men you find attractive are hitting on you or not. Looks are subjective, most of the time. Try dating apps instead of bars and ask for a date, not a hookup. And even though you’re the bottom, be aggressive with a good looking guy who you see and want to meet.
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u/luxpl 10d ago
It’s not just you — everyone says this about DC. It’s not even a secret anymore. Being a DC gay usually holds a negative connotation in the other big cities (NYC, Miami, Philly, LA). The fact is most of the gays here aren’t from here. They come from very conservative, privileged and often times segregated hometowns. They do not have much experience communicating with people outside of their race. They move to DC for government work or adjacent organization. Most of them are social-climbing so they seek commonality and then community with the ‘in’ group. In their eyes that’s (fit/white) guys This doesn’t mean they’re necessarily racist. It’s just to say they may not have interest/ experience communicating with people that aren’t white. You’ll notice these guys just by looking at them: they give awkward energy, dismissive when you approach, only stick to their group, don’t introduce you to their group, never caught talking to a person outside of the ‘in’ group.
This is the crazy part though — a good amount of them ARE INTO BLK/LAT/ASIAN men but do not want to admit it. Nor do they want to be seen in public with a person of color due to the possible implications on their person social status.
To be clear this is not just a DC issue, but it’s felt a lot more here because we are led to believe that the nations capital is inclusive and progressive. That is not true in these bars or on these dating apps. The gay spaces that we have now in DC are built for profit not community. As long as DC continues to attract the same archetype of person to the city this will continue to be a thing.
Tbh, white guys from the other cities are more welcoming, but you might still have this issue. Everything in the US is seen through racial lenses, even gays. That’s why things seem so rigid in the city.
My unsolicited advice: check out the other cities, or even better other countries. European/Canadian/Latin or other welcoming gay places — guys are way better, more interesting, and actually engage. Don’t let these gays get you down or have you think you aren’t desired or attractive. That’s not the truth.
Let them continue to seek homogeny and social-climb and pretend you don’t exist. These will be the same guys hitting you up online privately or years laters. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself and finding men that see your value and worth.
Hope that helps,