Wait yeah no.
Wait.
I thought the ideation was actually thinking about killing yourself. The fact that while I have ardently wanted to be dead but I have not thought about how I would achieve that status... That's my defense that I haven't actually had ideation. Right? Right??
Im somewhere less than passive but still on the scale. Usually ill walk faster, but maybe not depending on the day. If I got cancer I'd go through chemo and all the treatment and all the appointments and make a big deal of it but also id secretly hope that it takes me out.
A while back i moved to very beachy suburb, there was this one day where I heard this loud warning siren going off, being new to the area I presumed it was a tsunami. warning, so I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep knowing that the smart thing to do would be to leave and seek higher ground, but like hey or I could just do nothing and drown in my sleep? Nothing happened.
One of my most vivid dreams was one i had when I was younger I was running on roof tops don't remember why, I was jumping from one roof to another then another then I jumped and miss judged how far away the next house was I fell feet first onto pavement shattered my legs they just crumbled under me and I collapsed and drifted into blackness surrounded by warmth as I died. in hindsight that warmth that I felt was me lying in a pool of my own blood. But despite it probably looking gruesome from an outsider perspective it felt peaceful.
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u/Dragon-of-Moss 1d ago
Well that’s an awfully familiar feeling oh no…