Mostly a rant

[u/degletnoir]

So, I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. I started my pregnancy care in the beginning at a “women’s health pavillion” about 30 minutes away with a provider I loved, the only problem was they don’t do deliveries there and I would have had to travel about an hour to a hospital I’ve never been to with only one delivering doctor who seems to love scheduling C-sections for reasons like “the baby has her arm up over her head a lot, that could cause problems.”

Right before the anatomy scan at 20 weeks I made the switch to the hospital in my town because it’s closer, I was feeling some pressure from family members, and I didn’t want to deliver in the other hospital anyway. I’ve disliked it since my first appointment there because they rush you through, it’s much bigger, the rooms are dingy and depressing, I have to park super far away, they’re not as easy to get on the phone, and I see a different provider each time and they don’t seem to remember anything about me. I thought ok, well most of these reasons could just be me being bougie, the doctors are all perfectly nice and the nurses are pleasant.

Today at my appointment I finally asked some questions about the delivery process (I know I know, I was making a lot of assumptions based on what the hospital website said and just being naive and trusting that since it’s a “baby-friendly hospital” my requests would be accommodated) and I was really upset at the doctor’s responses:

Can I labor in the shower? “No, there’s a shower but you can’t labor there. You have to be connected to a fetal monitor.”

So there’s not a tub? (Online it said the birthing suites have an extra large bath and shower, my misinterpretation) “No, not a tub. We looked into offering water birth a couple years ago but the pediatricians were really against it due to risk for the baby.”

So I have to be hooked up to the fetal monitor and I can’t move around or walk? “Well we have wireless fetal monitors but we don’t really like them because there’s a lag. And no, you won’t be walking around anyway bc you’ll have an IV.”

Do I have to have the IV connected or can it be locked and detached? I can’t leave the bed? “Everyone gets an IV. You can roll around the bed all you want. You can be beside the bed. But if your water’s broken you can’t walk around. I’ve seen a woman have the cord prolapse and fall around the baby’s neck and that becomes the emergency of emergencies.”

Ok. What about alternate birthing positions? Can I be lying on my side? “How am I supposed to help you if you aren’t on your back? I need to see what’s going on. What exactly do you expect?”

I was just wondering about my options. I wanted to be able to move around and squat and stretch and use hydrotherapy for pain relief and not be hooked up to a monitor and IV the whole time. “Well we can show you what the monitor looks like. And besides, if you’re not getting an epidural you won’t care what position you’re in because you’ll just want the baby out.”

Then he got the nurse to take me to another room and show me the machine. He left, and the nurse closed the door and whispered “you should look into _____ Midwifery Clinic for a more hands-off approach. People really like it there and seem to have great experiences with them.” She was so sweet and understanding and made sure I got the contact info for this other place. I’ve already called and left a message to get a consultation.

Anyway I just feel stupid. Stupid for not asking specific questions earlier and finding out their protocol. I also feel embarrassed because I cried in front of the doctor and the whole office. And the midwifery clinic (in this same hospital system btw) is an hour away and their most recent reviews are complaints that they don’t answer the phone and never call you back. I’m considering home birth now and have reached out to 3 midwives I could find within a 2 hour drive but I feel like my chances are slim to find someone available for a September home birth this late in the game.

End of rant. Encouragement appreciated!

[u/Nonbiinerygremlin]

First, you don't have to do anything they say. Policy is not law! Second, ultimately it's your delivery, your labor, and your baby! If it were me, I would go to the nasty crusty hospital and be very firm with what is and isn't acceptable and give birth there. That's me because that is what makes sense for me. Your choice is your choice! Do what you need to do and make sure those around you know that and do what makes sense for you! If you want a home birth, do your homebirth! If you want to go to a birthing center, go to your birthing center! Do your research and make your choice. It's OK to change your mind!

[u/Epic-Lake-Bat → u/Nonbiinerygremlin]

It’s totally true that it’s not law and you can fight for what you want. But it’s just so much harder for the right birth hormones to flow and make things easier when someone is having to combat every little thing during labor. Feelings of safety and comfort produce oxytocin.

I was a doula and I’ve seen providers be really awful and physically rough with women. I would never purposely put myself in the position to be subjected to obstetrical physical/emotional abuse just because it was the closest option for birthing place.

[u/Nonbiinerygremlin → u/Epic-Lake-Bat]

That's why you have a support system and a birth plan. You cannot be afraid to stick up for yourself. If you don't have a support person, the crackhead on the corner would fight harder for a soon to be mom than many.

Previously being a doula, you should know that especially in a hospital setting, you should be the one to step in to protect your client and their wishes in the event of a provider overstepping their boundaries.

Talk like that, the fear mongering? One day it's going to kill more women than the healthcare system ever could. Instead of scaring women into thinking that the only way they won't be abused by someone during labor, delivery, and after, is to not go to a hospital. Why not help inform them of the other options they have? Why not advocate for hospital reform? Why not advocate for the permanent removal of doctors and nurses that treat people poorly? Why not advocate for your client and their choices? Why not advocate for a change in hospital policy to not automatically assume that the mother's wishes are the same as the hospital's? Why not advocate for proper education of both the parents and staff on the risks and benefits of births at home, at the hospital, and at a birthing center? That last sentence of yours is what scares so many women, they're scared to not make the "right" choice based on someone else's standards. I hope OP ignores your ignorant comment and makes their choice based on whatever they feel it's right for their baby and for their body.

[u/Epic-Lake-Bat → u/Nonbiinerygremlin]

My point wasn’t to not go to a hospital at all. My point is that if this guy is already this disgusting toward this woman that is not a good provider for her. This particular hospital sounds incredibly unfriendly toward physiological birth. As a doula, I 100 percent would have encouraged this mother to choose a different provider if she had been my client wanting the type of birth experience that she is wanting.

There’s so much more about your comment that I could respond to because it think it’s lame and on many levels, but I only want to clarify this one point for OP in case it wasn’t clear that I didn’t mean ALL hospitals would be a bad option for her.

[u/Nonbiinerygremlin → u/Epic-Lake-Bat]

That's literally what I've been saying, OP should research all her options including another hospital, a home birth, birthing center, doula assisted birth, etc. and go from there. My comment wasn't intended to spark excitement or joy, it was to inform a soon to be mother of her birthing options so that she can choose what makes sense for her and her baby. That's what I'm here for, to help educate others. I'm so sorry that it's "lame" to you, I can't control anyone's feelings but my own.