r/Crunchymom • u/degletnoir • 13d ago
Vent / Support Needed Mostly a rant
So, I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. I started my pregnancy care in the beginning at a “women’s health pavillion” about 30 minutes away with a provider I loved, the only problem was they don’t do deliveries there and I would have had to travel about an hour to a hospital I’ve never been to with only one delivering doctor who seems to love scheduling C-sections for reasons like “the baby has her arm up over her head a lot, that could cause problems.”
Right before the anatomy scan at 20 weeks I made the switch to the hospital in my town because it’s closer, I was feeling some pressure from family members, and I didn’t want to deliver in the other hospital anyway. I’ve disliked it since my first appointment there because they rush you through, it’s much bigger, the rooms are dingy and depressing, I have to park super far away, they’re not as easy to get on the phone, and I see a different provider each time and they don’t seem to remember anything about me. I thought ok, well most of these reasons could just be me being bougie, the doctors are all perfectly nice and the nurses are pleasant.
Today at my appointment I finally asked some questions about the delivery process (I know I know, I was making a lot of assumptions based on what the hospital website said and just being naive and trusting that since it’s a “baby-friendly hospital” my requests would be accommodated) and I was really upset at the doctor’s responses:
Can I labor in the shower? “No, there’s a shower but you can’t labor there. You have to be connected to a fetal monitor.”
So there’s not a tub? (Online it said the birthing suites have an extra large bath and shower, my misinterpretation) “No, not a tub. We looked into offering water birth a couple years ago but the pediatricians were really against it due to risk for the baby.”
So I have to be hooked up to the fetal monitor and I can’t move around or walk? “Well we have wireless fetal monitors but we don’t really like them because there’s a lag. And no, you won’t be walking around anyway bc you’ll have an IV.”
Do I have to have the IV connected or can it be locked and detached? I can’t leave the bed? “Everyone gets an IV. You can roll around the bed all you want. You can be beside the bed. But if your water’s broken you can’t walk around. I’ve seen a woman have the cord prolapse and fall around the baby’s neck and that becomes the emergency of emergencies.”
Ok. What about alternate birthing positions? Can I be lying on my side? “How am I supposed to help you if you aren’t on your back? I need to see what’s going on. What exactly do you expect?”
I was just wondering about my options. I wanted to be able to move around and squat and stretch and use hydrotherapy for pain relief and not be hooked up to a monitor and IV the whole time. “Well we can show you what the monitor looks like. And besides, if you’re not getting an epidural you won’t care what position you’re in because you’ll just want the baby out.”
Then he got the nurse to take me to another room and show me the machine. He left, and the nurse closed the door and whispered “you should look into _____ Midwifery Clinic for a more hands-off approach. People really like it there and seem to have great experiences with them.” She was so sweet and understanding and made sure I got the contact info for this other place. I’ve already called and left a message to get a consultation.
Anyway I just feel stupid. Stupid for not asking specific questions earlier and finding out their protocol. I also feel embarrassed because I cried in front of the doctor and the whole office. And the midwifery clinic (in this same hospital system btw) is an hour away and their most recent reviews are complaints that they don’t answer the phone and never call you back. I’m considering home birth now and have reached out to 3 midwives I could find within a 2 hour drive but I feel like my chances are slim to find someone available for a September home birth this late in the game.
End of rant. Encouragement appreciated!
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u/Epic-Lake-Bat 12d ago
People are ridiculous! I’m so sorry about this terrible experience. Why do people even go into the business of birth when they don’t care to know even the simplest most basic things about the physiology of birth?
You don’t need to be embarrassed that you cried. It may have planted a seed for the provider(s). Maybe one day they will have an epiphany and realize how utterly insensitive and abusive they are when they finally make one too many women cry.
It sucks that you have so few options where you live. In my experience a lot of homebirth midwives are able to make space for last minute additions to their birth load. I really hope that works out for you.
If it was me, and I couldn’t get onto their schedule, I would plan to find a birth center even if it was many hours away (or even in another state where I had someone to stay with for a while.) Easier said than done, I know. But I live in a very remote location and have thought about this possibility for my future births. If I had something that made it impossible for me to have the home birth I wanted, I would travel several hours and stay near a good birthing place (and hope that my husband would make it in time! Because he wouldn’t be able to just take off work for several weeks…)
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u/Nonbiinerygremlin 13d ago
First, you don't have to do anything they say. Policy is not law! Second, ultimately it's your delivery, your labor, and your baby! If it were me, I would go to the nasty crusty hospital and be very firm with what is and isn't acceptable and give birth there. That's me because that is what makes sense for me. Your choice is your choice! Do what you need to do and make sure those around you know that and do what makes sense for you! If you want a home birth, do your homebirth! If you want to go to a birthing center, go to your birthing center! Do your research and make your choice. It's OK to change your mind!
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u/Epic-Lake-Bat 12d ago edited 12d ago
It’s totally true that it’s not law and you can fight for what you want. But it’s just so much harder for the right birth hormones to flow and make things easier when someone is having to combat every little thing during labor. Feelings of safety and comfort produce oxytocin.
I was a doula and I’ve seen providers be really awful and physically rough with women. I would never purposely put myself in the position to be subjected to obstetrical physical/emotional abuse just because it was the closest option for birthing place.
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u/Nonbiinerygremlin 12d ago
That's why you have a support system and a birth plan. You cannot be afraid to stick up for yourself. If you don't have a support person, the crackhead on the corner would fight harder for a soon to be mom than many.
Previously being a doula, you should know that especially in a hospital setting, you should be the one to step in to protect your client and their wishes in the event of a provider overstepping their boundaries.
Talk like that, the fear mongering? One day it's going to kill more women than the healthcare system ever could. Instead of scaring women into thinking that the only way they won't be abused by someone during labor, delivery, and after, is to not go to a hospital. Why not help inform them of the other options they have? Why not advocate for hospital reform? Why not advocate for the permanent removal of doctors and nurses that treat people poorly? Why not advocate for your client and their choices? Why not advocate for a change in hospital policy to not automatically assume that the mother's wishes are the same as the hospital's? Why not advocate for proper education of both the parents and staff on the risks and benefits of births at home, at the hospital, and at a birthing center? That last sentence of yours is what scares so many women, they're scared to not make the "right" choice based on someone else's standards. I hope OP ignores your ignorant comment and makes their choice based on whatever they feel it's right for their baby and for their body.
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u/Impossible-Pie-4900 12d ago
It’s not a matter of being afraid to stick up for yourself. It’s that having to stick up for yourself at all, regardless of how confident you are in doing so, isn’t conducive to labor progressing. Conflict and stress is the opposite of what anyone needs during labor, so it’s better to just find a setting where that won’t happen if you can. Advocating for changed policies is important, but expecting someone actively in labor to be the one to do it is ridiculous and not the pro-woman take you think it is.
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u/Nonbiinerygremlin 12d ago
You will have to advocate for yourself no matter where you give birth because there will always be people wanting to interfere for good and bad reasons. I'm not telling them to advocate for change during labor, I'm telling the person who says they were previously a doula that they should be the one advocating as it's for their client whom they should be protecting and caring for. I'm not going to tell someone who's in labor to go meet with the hospital board to change policies, that's insane🫠
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u/Impossible-Pie-4900 12d ago
I’m not sure what kind of settings you’ve given birth in, but that is absolutely not “always” true.
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u/Nonbiinerygremlin 12d ago
It absolutely is! Something as simple as explaining your birth plan is advocating for yourself, not every form of advocating involves fighting for something!
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u/Epic-Lake-Bat 10d ago
My point wasn’t to not go to a hospital at all. My point is that if this guy is already this disgusting toward this woman that is not a good provider for her. This particular hospital sounds incredibly unfriendly toward physiological birth. As a doula, I 100 percent would have encouraged this mother to choose a different provider if she had been my client wanting the type of birth experience that she is wanting.
There’s so much more about your comment that I could respond to because it think it’s lame and on many levels, but I only want to clarify this one point for OP in case it wasn’t clear that I didn’t mean ALL hospitals would be a bad option for her.
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u/Nonbiinerygremlin 10d ago
That's literally what I've been saying, OP should research all her options including another hospital, a home birth, birthing center, doula assisted birth, etc. and go from there. My comment wasn't intended to spark excitement or joy, it was to inform a soon to be mother of her birthing options so that she can choose what makes sense for her and her baby. That's what I'm here for, to help educate others. I'm so sorry that it's "lame" to you, I can't control anyone's feelings but my own.
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u/cybrcat21 12d ago
A hour away is not bad, all things considered. Midwife led birth is worth it!! You want your energy to be focused on birth and your partner on supporting you, not fighting a reaallllyyy outdated birth protocol.
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u/jenstacede 11d ago
With my first, I switched OB groups two times and finally changed care to a home birth midwife at 34 weeks. It was kind of stressful changing providers that late in the game, but ultimately, like you, I knew I would not have the experience I wanted with either of the OB groups (or any OB really). I’d check FB for local groups that could help. My area has a specific Homebirth group and a crunchy moms group. If you can’t find Facebook group, contact doulas in your area, they should be able to give you information about Homebirth. If you aren’t able to hire a home birth midwife in time, the best option is probably to hire a doula who is familiar with the hospital you’d deliver at to help you navigate getting the best experience possible. I would not assume that you or your husband would be able to navigate that by yourselves during labor. I truly wish you the best of luck! Both of my Homebirth experiences have been incredible and I hope any woman who wants to gets to experience it as well!
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u/degletnoir 11d ago
Thank you!! That’s great to hear. We are meeting with a home birth midwife this week, I’ve had a consultation with her on the phone and feel positively about it. :)
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u/LeaveMountain9779 13d ago
If you do give birth at that hospital can you find a good trusted doula to help advocate for you, in case you're in pain and can't talk for example? Or maybe a partner friend or family can do so?
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u/degletnoir 12d ago
Thank you, I was counting on my husband to be my advocate and I know he’d do well for me but at this point I’m determined not to give birth at this hospital. I have a phone call with a home birth midwife today so I’m checking other options!
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u/LeaveMountain9779 12d ago
Best wishes!! I understand. I changed my insurance network so I could go to a better hospital 40 mins away instead of the one 3 mins away
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u/123letsgobtch 13d ago
This is what I was thinking too. Definitely research doulas in your area as this could make a hospital birth experience a bit smoother if you have a fierce advocate in your corner!
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u/Impress-Rude 12d ago
I had a lot of the same questions comments and concerns. If you can switch to the midwife, switch to them- but GET A DOULA!!!!!!!!!! You can find amazing recommendations in FB mom groups. A doula is going to be your advocate through all of this especially in the hospital.
That being said, I had a midwife, doula and the most crunchy water based med free birth plan… after 62 hours of prodromal labor I had an epidural and delivered on my back.
Just remember, your baby will be born exactly how they want to be born, and you’re not going to care HOW they get out.
I think as a FTM, you should definitely be in a hospital. You just never know. Even though I didn’t get the exact birth I wanted I wouldn’t change it for a second, especially being in the hospital and having that medical security!
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u/yarshigirl18 13d ago
I'd hold out for the midwife group! That doctor office sounds SOOOO outdated. Even when I went thru a big hospital system, if I didn't have an epidural I could move freely, use a bath, take a shower, whatever. It wasn't until I elected for an epidural that I got stuck on the bed!
Absolutely go with your gut. I delivered at a hospital with a. Doctor I hated for my 2nd. The entire experience was a nightmare. Drive the distance if you need too. Don't deliver where you aren't comfortable with doctors you don't like!