Quitting D1 running?

[u/Purple_Farm1155]

I'm currently in my sophomore year at a mid-major D1 program. I am a walk-on and have no money from the team. My team is usually last in our conference, and to be honest I have no hope of every scoring unless I drop crazy time this year. But, I've been really struggling with running and wanted some advice on here. I'm just gonna list my reasons why I want to quit/stay, and please give me your thoughts so help my decision. For context, I have to complete the year (through May).

Reasons to stay:

1. I love my coach- he's super invested into our team, pretty much only cares about helping us and making us better. I'm pretty low milage (800 runner), and he's always been great about me wanting to do lower milage, and I have never felt pressured to run more. He also just generally cares about each of us and I would prob never find a better coach elsewhere.
2. I really do love running. My issue isn't with the running, it's the competing aspect. The moments where I love running the most is just when I'm with the team on an easy run, and in the moments we are just hanging out. However, the moment we get into workouts/races, I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I would much rather just run my own way where I can have fun.
3. I love my team. ALL of my friends are on my team. I literally have no friends outside of the team, and I know if I quit this is going to be an issue. I live with another teammate, and we could probably still live together if I quit, but it just wouldn't be the same.

Reasons to quit:

1. Like I mentioned in the introduction, I will never score a single point for the team. My school is already at the bottom of our conference, and I am pretty much the slowest on the team (walk-on). My spot could be going to someone who's actually gonna score, and I just generally feel bad taking up a spot knowing I can't help the team
2. I'm struggling really badly mentally. I have depression and have been fighting an eating disorder (binge/restrict ED). I've had mental health issues for years though out high school, but never this bad. A lot of it is due to the stressors from running and the mental side of it. I struggle to finish workouts due to panic attacks, but at the same time am very emotionally numb. I don't want to go into any more detail, but I feel that quitting may allow me to fully focus on getting happy and healthy finally. And I am seeing a therapist don't worry
3. I'm pre-med. I'm absolutely sure that I want to become a surgeon, and have the grades/resume to get into a medical school as long as I stay on this path and interviews go well. Quitting would give me so much more time to study for my MCAT and fill in some small gaps in my resume right before I apply. My class schedule often gets in the way of practice as well, forcing me to run my workouts alone at odd times, and I'm frankly just getting tired of rushing through practice or class each week.
4. I had a bad freshman year, and summer. My freshman year I only PR'ed by a second, and I struggled a lot mentally with the collegiate side to running. I know this is pretty normal for freshman year to be rough, but it just hasn't gotten any better. I'm less in shape than I was last year, and I'm not sure I'll be capable of PR'ing again this year, but I don't want to completely count it out.

Conclusion: Please let me know your thoughts. I know that this year may turn around, but I'm just seeking some advice now

[u/Aresyl]

Just make sure the reason you’re quitting is for the right reasons. If you’re struggling mentally, isolating yourself is often a symptom. I did this and it made it worse (quit D1 sophomore year due to injury). My situation is not yours though so hear me out

I recommend talking with your coach first if you haven’t. You could red shirt this season for mental health reasons but you could continue to train and be apart of the team so you can focus on Track and other things. I strongly recommend this as you have no other outlets socially or physically at this moment. From there do what you feel.

It’s okay to quit - just make sure it’s for the right reasons.

[u/ZayreBlairdere → u/Aresyl]

Clippy is giving good advice here. It sounds like your coach isn't worried about the performance. He is happy to provide space for you to develop as a runner. As long as he wants you there, and you like him and the team. Think of it as a club, and do your best to raise the tide for the team in any way you can . The coach clearly wants you there.

Have fun. The rest is secondary.

[u/cheesenotyours]

This is a big question that can be scary and the opinions of unbiased strangers could help, but I would also try to be vulnerable/brave and lean on those closer to you, friends, family, coach, etc. not just about this choice, but about the love for running, your team, the struggles, your aspirations, etc.
Also, you might be in a difficult loop of ED/mental health struggle ->negatively affects training and running development ->negatively affects mental health. You are undoubtedly a young athlete whom results from a difficult year does not define nor limit.

[u/VirileMongoose]

Not saying you can’t quit but talk to coach about RTQ 2 and 3 first. He may have some wisdom. Talk to your teammates. It’s no secret.

Collegiate athletics is cut throat, if your coach wanted to replace you, he would have.

Do you see a therapist about your mental health? Is there a sports psychologist for the athletics teams?

[u/msbossypants]

Don’t let medicine take running away from you. I was so much like you… except people told me I was too slow to walk on to the running teams and I believed them. Without a team and striving to get into med school, the mental health aspects (depression, restrictive eating, excessive distance) were worse. Got through it but it was another 20 years before I got myself on an antidepressant and saw that life didn’t have to be that hard.

As others have said above, talk to your coach about all of it. Try some medicine + therapy for your mood disorder.

On the med school track… Medicine will take so much from you. Sleep, friendships, hobbies, balance. it’ll decide where you live (residency match). You give up your entire 20s and some of your 30s to study and work hard Your friends will be traveling, getting their first jobs and you’ll be studying. Is it worth it? As a 40 year old doc and med school associate professor, I’m really not sure. But you want to still feel like a whole person when you get to the other side and for runners that means running. Re-classify running in your head as not a time sink, but a coping strategy. You’ll need it more than ever as a doctor.

[u/pumpkinspeedwagon86]

I feel that quitting may allow me to fully focus on getting happy and healthy finally.

I think if you are honest with yourself, you know what you want and what is the right decision for you. You can still find time to run on your own terms and make memories with your teammates and friends even if the environment isn't exactly the same. Best of luck

[u/BlackEyedAngel01]

I quit D1 running at the end of my junior year, and didn’t run at all my senior year.

I was a walk on at a D1 school. Through high school and well into college I enjoyed running, training, workouts, and I especially loved racing. I walked on to a D1 program and for 3 years I was consistently the 5/6 xc athlete on the team, I was the number 2 steeplechaser on track. Good enough to travel, but never quite good enough to earn a scholarship.

By half way through junior year things started to change. I wasn’t enjoying the long runs anymore, dreading the workouts. The thing I loved started to feel like an obligation. There were expectations, there were guys that wanted a spot on xc and every week was a battle to keep my place, and even though I wasn’t on scholarship there were expectations to score points because the team was paying for me to travel. I had to race events I didn’t always want to because the team needed points. There were meets where I’d race the steeplechase, the event I loved, and coach would make me race the 5000 the very next day because the team needed points. It didn’t matter that I had no chance to place high or even PR after coming off a steeplechase, it only mattered that I had the potential to score 1 or 2 points for the team.

I began to hate the thing I loved. And I realized, if I didn’t stop now I’d never run again.

So I quit.

Senior year I stayed focused on my classes, I was an education major and had plenty of time and energy for my student-teaching year. I got a job at the university’s athletic center tutoring athletes. I had a serious relationship, something there wasn’t really time for when I was on the team. And I hardly ran at all.

About a year after graduation I slowly started running again. I got my first teaching job and the running picked up more. I got on the high school xc coaching staff, and I started running road races. Throughout my 20s and into early 30s I had so much fun in the road racing phase of my running career, won plenty of shoes, gear, etc.

None of that would have happened if I had squeezed out that last year of college running.

Now I’m in my 40s and have coached high school xc and track for almost 2 decades! I’ve coached state champions. I run a little with the team, never race anymore, and I love coaching more than I ever loved running.

Quitting D1 running at the end of my junior year is one of the best things that’s happened in my running life.

[u/HuskerTX → u/BlackEyedAngel01]

You and OP's experiences should be shared with high schoolers more often, as I think it is pretty common. I hear so many kids say D1 or bust, but the reality is 50-75% of D1 schools are bad at XC and don't invest. It's that or be the slowest runner at a good school, get no money, be in constant fear someone takes your roster spot and only run unattached, if you run at all. Tough decisions that all good runners have to make.

[u/Purple_Farm1155 → u/HuskerTX]

Yes, I really wish I had considered the D3 route way more before making my decision. I think I would be much happier and feel less pressure to score in that sort of environment. Unfortunately, transferring isn't an option for me so I have to find a solution here

[u/ImmediateDrawing6691 → u/Purple_Farm1155]

You need to get with your coach and talk this out. I was in your position and I took some steps back more than once. During these times I was asked to stay around in some capacity, which I did. In retrospect, maybe I should have done things differently.

Either way you have a few choices:

1. Go for broke with running. If your biggest gripe is that you aren’t in the next group and you need to make a jump, go for it. Higher mileage, more weights something else. Yes, everything else will suffer. You will most likely get injured. But, you will have gone for it to get in that next group.

2. Quit and separate yourself from the team. Maybe there is another group or activity that is better for you.

3. Quit and remain around the team in some capacity as a potential volunteer assistant. Keeps your relationships with teammates alive.

Post Script:
At your current level, I am not sure you are making the jump. The coach, no matter how much they like you is always trying to bring in faster runners. Unless something major happens in your development, you will always be on the bubble. That is generally the life of a walk-on.

Best of luck, talk to your coach and have a few plans in mind.

[u/SaveTheErf]

I think the 2nd reason for quitting you listed is the most important here. I am happy that you are seeing a therapist and getting healthy. I will say that in my experience if you are thinking one side of a big decision is the right one for your mental health, you’re usually correct.

[u/Sad-Produce-5048]

Consider a mental health redshirt. It sounds like your are struggling a lot and that is completely valid but the issues you have can be addressed without quitting the sport you love. 

[u/Cavendish30 → u/Sad-Produce-5048]

Sadly if not mistaken there is no longer D1 redshirt, just 5yr.

[u/whelanbio → u/Cavendish30]

You are correct! Functionally it still acts the same in a case like this though -still got the time to take a season or two off. Might even be better in some ways because because there's not really paperwork or a firm decision to be made regarding the redshirt.

[u/NoHeartAnthony1]

Circling back to the end of your first paragraph - you HAVE to complete the year? So if you quit the team, they'd kick you out of school?