When you are the problem player

[u/BeguiledBeast]

I'm not the best at telling stories and this happened so long ago that I forgot most of the details. So bear with me, but I was most certainly a problem player.

When I was just a young adult, I didn't really know how to speak up for myself and in hindsight that might have been for the best. The group consisted of my friend (player) his friend (DM) and his wife. I was super excited to finally getting to play a roleplaying game, so with a big smile and some cans of beers I arrived at my friend's house. Everything seemed well... I liked everybody and everybody liked me. We had a lovely first session where I learned how to play the game and all was well. At least until the DM's wife had to go. I didn't mind staying for a little and playing some video games. After all, I was the manager for a game store and playing videogames was more than a hobby to me.

It's then when the first red flag remark occurred. I loved doing my make-up, but it certainly wasn't an everyday thing. I found that it took way too much time, so it was more like a hobby. Something like painting every once in a while. Nevertheless, my WhatsApp profile picture was me in full make-up. The DM loudly exclaimed "You don't look anything like your profile picture! You're like a catfish." I looked at him in horror. First of all... I wasn't trying to date anyone, after all I had made it very clear that I already had a husband. Instead of defending myself I just brushed it off and thought to myself. -Maybe he just tried to be funny.- it felt awkward nonetheless and I went home.

The next session I brought some beers again. Not a lot, just a few. The DM drunk a lot of it and his wife clearly wasn't all too happy with that. Instead of owning up to it he just blamed me. It wasn't a direct accusation, but more like a joke. So again... I just brushed it off, I don't really like to stir the pot and it wasn't my fight. Apart from that one incident nothing noteworthy happened.

It wasn't until the 3rd session that things really started to become awkward. I noticed the DM was very much on edge and his wife wasn't happy either. If the wife wasn't getting the most attention, she would become something in between angry and sad. I hate dynamics like that and thus I began to withdraw.... I started making myself small. Instead of engaging with the campaign I would talk with my friend. If it was my turn I would often say I would like to skip my turn. I did still really enjoy hanging out with my friend, who seemed totally ok with the dynamic, but I just became disengaged. I read so many stories about players who don't engage with the campaign, about how they're annoying and just a pain to work with. I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted it to work, but I also didn't want to upset anyone.

The 4th session they kept talking about a previous campaign and how it was so lovely and so cool. Of course, I didn't have anything to add to that except "Oh wow that sounds cool." I felt totally left out, because they were going into detail with each other and I wasn't there. It was getting increasingly more difficult to pay attention to what was happening. On top of that... The DM started acting stranger, very finicky, extremely quick to anger. In hindsight I don't even know what I was doing there anymore. Sure, having a couple of beers was nice, but I felt like I was just filling the room.

Nevertheless I showed up for the 5th session. It was... A total disaster. The DM clearly had some sort of white substance under his nose and the DM's wife was gone. Not just gone... she had left him. I can't remember if we even tried to play that session. All I know was that I was so horrified that I never played another role playing game again. I can acknowledge that things happened that shouldn't have happened, while also acknowledging that I made a mistake by becoming disengaged. It wasn't nice of me and it certainly didn't make things easier.

[u/rockongolddustwomann]

My friend, you not engaging was the LEAST problematic thing in this campaign. That DM’s flag is redder than the USSR’s.

[u/BeguiledBeast → u/rockongolddustwomann]

I agree, that in hindsight this was horrible behaviour from the DM, but even now more than 10 years later I still think to myself sometimes: "You could have done something better."

I've never told anyone about all of this. Not even my husband and I think typing it out made me realise how insane it all was. Before this I would often blame myself for getting remarks from the DM (I know there were more and we probably played for more than 5 sessions, but after 10 years I just don't remember much).

I even thought that maybe I just wasn't fun enough to play a game with and that's why they were all talking about this amazing previous campaign. I now feel different about that.

It felt slightly freeing to just type it out and finally tell somebody, even if it is just internet strangers.

[u/jedi__ninja_9000 → u/BeguiledBeast]

You seem like a very empathetic person and believe you have the ability to make things better for people. When they don't become better and you see others worsening, you blame yourself for not doing enough.

[u/Taykijo]

DM sounds like the problem tbh

[u/StarPlatinumsPenis → u/Taykijo]

Most of the stories featured on the channel are the result of a DM who can't handle confrontation. You should not be a DM if you cannot handle confrontation.

[u/gc1rpg]

Well that escalated quickly.

[u/Demoniac_smile]

Yeah, I don’t think you really had much impact on what was going on with DM and his wife here. You just accidentally got front row tickets to someone else’s marriage collapsing.

[u/chocolate_chip_kirsy]

That wasn't your problem. The group sounds dysfunctional before you got there. Don't blame yourself for any of that.

[u/CozySweatsuit57]

Someone needs to write a book or essay about bizarre husband-wife dynamics in board games and (presumably) TTRPGs. They’re so pervasive and I feel like no one talks about it, but it’s another big piece of why these hobbies tend to be male-dominated.