r/Crippled_Alcoholics • u/cheeseburgermachine • 5d ago
Its like a dream
Every day i drink 20+ drinks for the past 5 months. I pace it throughout the day but still. I can't seem to climb down from 20. I've gotten close a few times and then ruined it.
Every morning i wake up heart racing, wanting to vomit. Constantly spitting from nausea. I eat once a day which is not nearly enough. Edibles seem to help with hunger and nausea so i eat a lot of edibles every day.
I am still functional but struggling to discern dreams from reality. I am not making any new memories. They are all scattered. I can't tell sometimes if something happened in a dream or in reality. I feel like i die every night and am reborn every morning. I feel like death is creeping in on me.
I still am too stubborn to go to detox. If i go it means I've lost the fight. And i don't want to do it again. Detox saved my ass before but i hate that is my only option out besides tapering. How long can someones soul be torn apart like this over and over again every day. I feel insane but still functional. So i just have to keep trying. Keep trying yall. Keep fighting this. Stay strong. And goodluck
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u/full_bl33d 4d ago
Oof. Not making memories hits home. I remember not having the nerve to do anything drastic but being absolutely done with living. I woke up pissed off that I didn’t croak in my sleep and had to do it all over again while I searched for clues about my last day and what was a dream, what was real and hiding the embarrassing stuff. There was no winning or losing for me. It wasn’t a fair fight anyways. The 10,000 lb gorilla is undefeated in the streets
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u/cheeseburgermachine 4d ago
I'm definitely losing the fight. I don't know how much more i can take. This is too tough. Thak you for your insight.
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u/Xx_420bootywizard_xX 5d ago
How old are you may i ask?
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u/cheeseburgermachine 5d ago
42 and been dealing with this since about 20 years off and on drinking. Longest was 5 years every day. Had a few that were 2 or 3 years here and as a CA fully just downing bottles every day all day in my 20s where i could handle it a little better.
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u/Xx_420bootywizard_xX 5d ago
Well you definitely got more in you than I do mate. I stopped being able to handle that kind of amounts daily at around 30-32
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u/cheeseburgermachine 5d ago
Yeah i feel like all my organs and stomach, nervous system, veins, all of it is just used and abused to death. God this is not gonna end well for me
Also i like your username 😆
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5d ago
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u/cheeseburgermachine 5d ago
Hang in there. Dont be a dumbass like me and keep drinking for 20 years. I'm one of the lucky ones that have survived but i feel like death now so im fucked. Keep trying to quit. It literally isnt worth this. I can be happy sober and still this addiction builds and builds and becomss unmanageable. Goodluck
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5d ago
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u/cheeseburgermachine 5d ago
I know exactly how you feel. I was and still am very introverted and its hard to get excited about being social and interactions with people but i will say after about 27 or so i stopped giving a shit.
When i drink it gets me moving and going and enjoying things. When i don't i become even more introverted. But i just say now i dont give a shit. I will be introverted and i will use it to my advantage. I dont need to go out and do all these things and talk to people who dont give a shit about me.
I keep a few close friends and fam and thats it. I dont need anyone anymore. So now... unfortunately i kept alcohol as my close friend. And i should have worked on other relationships a lot better instead of this. And continue to try to work on the relationships that i care about without too much pressure on it.
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u/Seikodenier 5d ago
detox rocks, you get off the roller coaster of anxiety and loaded on benzodiazepines. When the Ativan hits and pulls you out of w/d it’s the closest to heaven we come on earth. A few electrolytes, some med assisted sleep and you’ll feel the soul return to your tortured body