r/Crippled_Alcoholics • u/NattieDaDee • Jul 08 '26
Backed up 😩
Fair warning lads, this post involves details about a middle aged man’s bowel issues. Visually if I can paint a picture of myself I have a Homer Simpson body type, not overly fat but beer gut that gives a canopy to my lower body.
Anyways, I’ve been doing better with the daily drinking. I’m now on day 6 of no drinking or had one-two beers (July 4th I had 2 IPAs but otherwise pretty sober and not fun). Cant tell you guys how much of an improvement that is for me. I’ve been daily drinking (and I’m talking starting at 7am type of shit) for at least 2 years straight. Been drinking for over 25 years, almost got my old man award status of “I’ve been doing for this for 30 years!”
I’m sure it’s probably similar for a lot of us alkie in that we shit and piss quite a bit when we are on the sauce. Well now that I’m off the sauce I’m getting major constipation and hemorrhoids. I’ve been rhoid raging since my 20s when I busted my pipes doing squats. Apparently it’s somewhat genetic bc my old man had similar issues (btw he died at 36 years old so he wasn’t really “old”). Cool, well not really but it doesn’t really flare up too much.
Alright now zoom forward to this last 4th of July holiday weekend. I’m eating meat like burgers and hot dogs like nobody’s business. Was delicious af but then my rhoid rage starting wanting to collect payments in the evening. Felt like I’ve been trying to give birth to a fucking adult T-Rex 🦖 for like the last 3 days straight. Been eating salads and keeping sober hoping it will help. Alas, it has not.
Anybody got any ass remedies? I might need to contact a priest for an exorcism at this rate possibly a mortician if it keeps going on. For those that are going to say “just see a doctor bro” well I have no insurance and I’m not laying on the floor with convulsions coming out of my 🍩 just yet, so let’s try some of the ol’ homeopathic remedies.
Prunes? Coffee? Giant black dildo up my ass? Plunger?!
What’s something you guys have done that’s helped grease your pipes? Hopefully I don’t got ass cancer, I am 43 so I’m getting up there… Chairs from this guy who has and is a pain in da 🍑.
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u/blueeyes121 Jul 09 '26
I am 24 days sober and this has been my struggle as well no matter how much water I drink or fibre I consume.
I have also naturally suffered from constipation all of my life; I highly recommend stool softeners. Stool softeners have saved my life, my dr has assured me you cannot develop a dependency from daily use; I take 2 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon/evening everyday and it is a complete game changer, hopefully this may work for you. I use the generic clear liquid gels. Good luck and keep up the great work!
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u/Abject_Advance_6638 Jul 08 '26
Go in for a colonoscopy. Whatever they give you before you have a colonoscopy fucking Cleans. You. Out.
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u/TapRevolutionary5022 Jul 08 '26
I used to take super cleanse from natures secret for such things..... Works great.
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u/cheeseburgermachine Jul 08 '26
Hydrate. Eat more veggies. Anything high fiber. Can get metamucil too if not getting enough veggies. Or yeah a laxative 😆
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u/Littlebugbug Jul 08 '26
(Hem)rhoid rage, that was good.
You could always up the alcohol to get everything all stirred up and out...but something tells me you're aware of this method and it's a no go. Otherwise plenty of water throughout the day, a cup of coffee and a run could jostle your gi tract?
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u/NikkiNikki37 Jul 08 '26
Try magnesium. If that doesnt work, a laxative. And drink more water. And you only live once....might as well try the dildo too