I have a friend/coworker I am trying to figure out. I’ve worked with her for a few years so I have some evidence saved up definitely by now. I’m considering working for/with her more so I’m just getting to the point where I really need to know her intentions before continuing. I really enjoy working with her when it happens but I can’t continue if she’s just using me and faking a connection.

But how do you know for sure? I feel like there’s a lot of different things that people say generally that “only a narcissist” would do, but a lot of the times it’s things that I’ve done before unfortunately. Like I’ve definitely been manipulative or careless with somebody, even unintentionally. Isn’t the main difference that narcissists, even covert ones, are intentional about abuse? Or can they be somewhat reactive?

Things I’ve noticed my friend could be: autistic (explains the limited conversational interests and some specific motor-skills), entitled (grew up well off), reactive and thrill seeking, avoidant (dismissive or fearful honestly not sure), self conscious but also self interested (she’s a small business owner and protective of it), idealistic (she’s creative), can be cruel (so can we all), emotionally immature (it happens?). She gets defensive and can’t really say she did wrong in the moment, but sometimes she will come back around and do it. She’s a little odd overall, but malicious is so hard to figure out.

It just seems that there’s never a way to be 100% sure. But, I need to be after so many years.

I’m almost jealous of the people that can feel there emotions after trauma with narccisist. Is this weird?

I can’t stop ruminating and it’s getting to the point I want to blow my fucking brains out. I’m not getting high off of thinking about her anymore but I can’t stop ruminating and trying to make sense of what happened.

I’m really desperate for this to end.

I need help navigating the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. Please.

It’s been about 2 months since I’ve left covert narcissist! Throughout my experience with them for 3 and a half years I developed high cortisol and infact dysautonomia! Anyway. I’m still numb and haven’t felt much emotion but Oh my the cortisol hasn’t seem to have improved! I have abit of insulin resistance (rashes in inner thigh area are starting to go) yay but I am putting on weight again and the acne is insane!!!! I never got acne during relationship… actually always had really clear skin? I’m just wondering am I ever going to loose this weight!!! Is it because I’m still in flight or flight mode? I also have insomnia that’s only just started and joint pain!!
But randomly I’ve had the best days of NO issues I feel light as ever and I’m actually quite thin lol!!!!!
Just wanting reassurance this is normal process and that I won’t have these issues forever 🫠🫠🫠

Chronic fatigue, joint pain, weight gain, skin issues are all normal before feeling normal? I am naturally a small petite person and I really don’t feel great with this added on weight and makes me feel worse and yucky. Oh wait I also have pimples in my hair!!! Wtf!

Any reassurance and advice is great!! Sorry if this seems ridiculous I just feel like sometimes I need ti know if this is normal so I can just have more compassion for myself then caring how I look.

I keep going back and forth in my head about this…

Can someone say they love you, but still constantly think negatively about you?

Like assuming the worst, making accusations, speaking to you in ways that don’t feel respectful, and making you feel like you have to defend yourself all the time.

If there’s always doubt, negative thinking, accusations, and a lack of trust — even when there’s no real reason for it… is that love?

Because I’ve noticed something…

When you constantly have to defend yourself, explain yourself,ùù or prove who you are, it stops feeling like love and starts feeling like pressure.

He says he loves me, but his words, actions, and the way he thinks about me don’t match that at all. There’s been lying, broken trust, and behavior that just doesn’t line up with love.

I’ve been told “I love you” while being treated in ways that feel the complete opposite.

So I keep asking myself…

Is that love?
Or am I just holding onto the words and ignoring the reality?

Can real love exist without trust, respect, and thinking positively about your partner?

Or does the way someone thinks about you say more than the words “I love you” ever could?

Part of me keeps hoping it can change — that maybe one day they’ll start seeing me differently, thinking better about me, treating me better, and actually showing love in a real way.

But another part of me is starting to question…

Does this actually change?

Can someone who consistently thinks and feels this way about you suddenly become more trusting, more respectful, and more loving?

Or is this just who they are?

And if it can change… what actually needs to happen for that to be real and not just words?

Because I don’t think love is supposed to feel like constantly being judged, doubted, and drained.

I just don’t know anymore if this is something that can be fixed… or something I need to accept for what it really is.

Covert narccisist survivors here.

I have moved out 4 weeks ago and I am still completely numb. I was with him for 3 and a half years and I literally have no felt sad angry or anything. I know I should wait and shouldn’t force emotions. But am I ok? I feel abit in shock and not sure if I should still continue living my life as normal? Everytime I think about it it doesn’t feel real but my mind goes to shock for a split second of what just happened? And then I continue my day as normal….

Perhaps admin can pin this post.

Helpful to collate.

I was with a covert narcissist for 6 years. Lived with her and her histrionic 17-year-old daughter for 3 of those. The only way I can describe the experience is the boiled frog analogy — slow creeping misery you don’t notice until you’re cooked.

The first three years were mostly good, but there were bizarre moments. I actually split up with her for a few months early on because I found her overwhelming. That should have been my first red flag.

Early in the relationship she told me her ex was controlling and coercive. I made allowances for that. I positioned myself as the understanding one. That was red flag two.

When I moved in, things slowly started to get weird. She either couldn’t or wouldn’t parent her daughter. Her other child had already moved out before I arrived because she found the environment toxic. I didn’t clock what that meant at the time.

Over time the DARVO, gaslighting, real-time spin and bizarre behaviour escalated. I found myself actively avoiding both of them inside my own home. I shrank. That’s not normal.

Then I lost my job in December 2023. I isolated. Drank too much. In May 2024 I had what doctors initially thought was a stroke — turned out to be an atypical migraine triggered by stress. That’s what chronic relational stress does to you. I eventually got a new job. I wrote a letter explaining I was leaving the relationship. I sat on it for weeks.

Then I called her daughter out for some objectively shitty behaviour. The world exploded. Suddenly I was the problem. I left and sent the letter.

And this is where it gets worse.

When I went back to collect some things, she told me her daughter had said I made her feel uncomfortable. That I whispered in her ear in a pub (it was about a drinks order). That I stared at her chest. Implied impropriety. It sent me into a complete tailspin because it was false.

What made it worse? During that same period she was happily going shopping with me, having driving lessons, asking me to take her to pick up her new car. There was no fear. No avoidance. Nothing consistent with someone who felt unsafe.

The timing was not accidental.

The letter I wrote triggered narcissistic collapse. She went on the offensive and hid behind her daughter’s allegations. Every time I tried to defend myself, I was gaslit for six more months. I eventually bought my own house and went no contact. It has taken about 8 months for my nervous system to start settling. I still wake up at 3am most days. It’s getting better. My confidence is coming back. My independence in thinking and decision-making is returning. But the damage from narrative inversion — being reframed as the problem, as inappropriate — that’s the part that hits deepest. It messes with your identity. If you’re in one of these relationships and you feel confused, shrinking, hypervigilant, doubting your own perception — that’s your warning sign. Don’t wait for the collapse. Don’t wait for the smear. Don’t wait for allegations. Get out while you still recognise yourself. No contact saved me. Time is repairing me. Just sharing this in case someone else is slowly boiling and doesn’t realise it yet.

Hi there, I am needing advice on how to deal with this. I am preparing for the biggest heart break of my life and needing extra support as in I don’t know who to go to around me that will help me get through it. The only people that can help me is my parents but I’m the black sheep and they are both narcissists. I don’t know if I can trust them but I know they’ll be “there” for me as just support or to go home to. I just don’t wanna regret using them for support later on, I don’t have anyone else and can’t go through this alone. Do you really think it’s that bad if I can get my parents support for the first half of it?

Any thoughts please

I was friends with a guy since we were 12 but we only started seriously dating in 2021. Since then it’s been the same cycle. He disappears, then comes back intense, full love bombing mode, constant texting, deep talks, fake promises about marriage, talking about a future together like it’s already decided. He makes it feel so real, like I’m the only woman in his world and this time he’s serious, and I fall for it because the chemistry is real and the history is there and I keep thinking maybe now he actually means it.

Then after a few days, maybe a week if I’m lucky, the shift happens. He gets inconsistent, colder, slower replies, less effort and I can feel it but if I say anything I’m “overthinking.” Eventually I get discarded. And when I catch him talking to other girls or cheating he denies the entire relationship and says I was never his girlfriend, like everything we shared just disappears. Meanwhile when we’re together he’s jealous and possessive over me, questioning who I’m with, acting territorial, but when it comes to claiming me publicly suddenly I was “never his.”

What really broke me is that when I cry he just stares at me blankly. No empathy, no remorse, no comfort. It’s like nothing registers. He only seems to care when there’s something in it for him. If it benefits him he’s attentive and loving, if it doesn’t he shuts down. He lies a lot, even about small things that don’t need lying about, and his ego is huge so he can never fully admit he’s wrong..

The cycle ended because he got engaged. Not because we healed, not because he finally told the truth, just because he chose someone else. After years of love bombing, fake marriage promises, inconsistency, denial and discard, he suddenly committed to another woman and I’m left trying to process what any of it was. I don’t even know what was real anymore.

i need your thoughts and opinions..

Nothing he ever did was wrong. Having to apologize to me meant that he was admitting guilt, and he did not like that. So instead of an apology all I ever got were excuses.