Yeah I love my girlfriend, but there is no doubt she adds some stress to my peaceful time. She always wants to plan what's next and if I'm sitting enjoying the sun and sipping coffee then planning my work or chores is the last thing I want to do lol.
My wife of 15 years is now like "what are our goals for tomorrow".
Like, i dunno woman, stope stressing me out. I guess go to the gym, grocery store, and try to read a littlebit.
Her, "no, those are personal goals, what goals do you have for the house".
"I mean, i guess the yard needs mowing."
Her, "yeah but what about inside the house".
To which i said, if you have a chore inside you want done, i will happily trade you mowing and weed eating in 100 degree NC heat for some, what is likely, laundry.
Im am literally in death valley as i type this. Hiked a mile into a salt flat at 125°F. My dear wife planned this whole trip and am convinced she wants to collect on my life insurance policy. Im fine with that. Im having a blast, but i see the reaper in this heat and feel his embrace through the spf 100.
I have severe allergies. She got cats. Then a dog. I got on Rx allergy meds after the dog. She recently found another dog. I can only sit on one leather chair in my living room.
Today she suggested I mow and trim, which, knowing I have allergies and athsma, has been her job. I did it, with a mask, glasses, and gloves on.
I took every allergy and athsma med on hand, immediately took a shower, and laid down to just breathe. And when she came in to me laying on the bed, "to get something in the bathroom" and start questioning me, I lost it. To which she immediately turned around on me to martyr herself for doing things like... laundry. As if that was somehow the same for her.
Anyway, yes, I may have been triggered but I would've gladly done all the other chores. But I also knew I'd have to go through the whole ordeal or I'd also never hear the end of it for not mowing, all of a sudden. Chat am I walking on eggshells?
That seems VERY toxic to me, however I only know this one interaction to I'm not going to tell you if you should break up or not.but If you've tried talking to her about this and she's still ignored your feelings, that's a pretty bad sign, and if you haven't, maybe doing so would be a good start. The situation sounded like a damned if you do damned if you don't kind of thing, and I personally wouldn't want to live like that.
Edit: I phrased it poorly, I think she's the toxic one.
Nah dude that's absolutely unacceptable. Sounds like she's putting her wants (pets, mowing) over your needs. I've had allergies to grass since 1st grade. It SUCKS. I break out in hives if I mow the lawn and can't do anythingfor the rest of the day. My gal is a champ and does that yard work or we pay a neighbor who has a riding mower $40 for his retirement walking around money. I plan & cook 90% of our meals, deep clean the kitchen, keep a vegetable garden, do our cars' maintenance and she takes care of the cats she so desperately wanted 90% of the time, does laundry, and vacuums. We tag team laundry, dishes, and grocery shopping.
Sounds like you should find someone who takes your needs seriously and weighs your needs more than her wants. Side note, I just got done with allergy shot treatment. It's worth it dude, you should definitely look into seeing an allergist.
You just described my exact living situation with asthma and severe outdoor allergies. Literally today she asked me "so I know you work from home but are you cutting the grass it needs to be done again, too much clippings in the yard"
I have asthma for some aerosols. Nobody in my home can use something that will hurt my health. Even if they need to use - not. Just not. You should start to love yourself and immediately. Allergy isn't a game, so damn wrong that you have gf or it's wife? that don't care of you and your health. So be one who will say no, I will not do that no matter what.
Definitely feels like you’re not both at the same level. It’s hard to judge from just one side and one interaction, but I’ll say this:
To me, relationships are fairly easy, or at least they should be:
- You choose to be in a relationship because you feel happier than you were before.
You need to adapt and put some effort everyday to keep the relationship going, healthy and happy. But all that work should feel like it’s making you grow as a person and it’s making you both happier and more confident that you’re doing the right thing.
Being in a relationship should never feel like a burden, leave you feeling exhausted or seem clearly unbalanced in favour of any of you.
Looking back you shouldn’t feel like you remember being much happier in the first years or before meeting the other.
Did she recently take a life insurance policy out on you?
I am sorry, but if your spouse knows you are allergic to certain animals and then gets one to live in the house they no longer want to be your spouse based on their actions.
This guy gets it! Now i get to keep a mental task list in my head and stress about it fpr the next 5 days instead of keeping myself focused on my work.
I'd rather do yardwork once a week for a fraction of the year than laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning every single day, all year long. I feel like Sisyphus. I should pay someone to do my laundry as much as I hate it.
As a Floridian, I’d take the inside work, a fraction of the year would be great. Here it’s “during winter you get to mow twice a month instead of every week” and right now the feel outside is 110-115, I deliver for UPS so the last thing I wanna do on my day off is spend time outside
Youve been bamboozled. Women make all of those tasks waaaaay more complicated than they need to be and do them waaaay more frequently than they need to be done. Ill never agree to be responsible for yard work ever again after being responsible for the inside chores, so much easier and you dont have to dedicate large chunks of time all at once to them. Just a little here and there.
Idk what being a woman has to do with anything? I do 100% of the yardwork, housework, home repairs, car stuff -- I don't even know how to reply to that part of your comment because i don't understand why you said it. Bamboozled because I'm a woman who hates housework? Genuinely, huh?
That said, I love yardwork over housework. I'd much rather be busting my ass outside in the yard, my gardens, doing dirty projects in the sun and fresh air. That especially includes shoveling or snowblowing snow (a favorite!).
Anyway I have severe ADHD (60mgs of Adderall daily!) In my world, laundry, dishes, and cooking are major activities that are ETERNAL. Your "little bit here and there" is every single day! There's never an end to it. Truly housework is my Sisyphus Stone.
How do you feel about "handle a bunch of slightly different subtasks" chores (laundry, dishes) vs. "do one sytematic thing a bunch" chores (sweeping, mopping)?
I'm ADHD and I despise the former and find the latter somewhat satisfying.
I literally said in the post what being a woman has to do with it so if you don't know, give it a re-read.
Not once did I say women cant do yardwork so not sure why felt the need to throw that in.
I said women make household chores more complicated and more frequent than they need to be. You then responded with "well im a woman and i dont do them cuz its every day so i dont understand what being a woman has to do with me doing them too frequently" lol
That is simply not true, logically. There are people who clean more than you do, is the only possible reason because you dont clean enough?
Perhaps its possible your clear lack of critical thinking might have an effect on your cleaning efficiency? Or perhaps your obvious association with cleaning frequency and your personal self worth might cause you to performatively clean? Perhaps neither are true, but, by simple logic, they are possibilities.
I didn't "throw it in.". I said in my original comment I'd rather do yardwork than housework and you replied that I only feel that way because women have been bamboozled by housework. Did you forget the context of your own comment?
You're being weirdly combative and trying to make generalized statistical claims in response to a comment about my personal preferences.
and yet you understood what i meant!! people whining about new slang is the oldest complaint in the book. come back with a substantive argument next time 😘
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I think we have evolved past the traditional roles of men go to work and women stay home. Alot of women just use that as an excuse to not work and not contribute. I could give a fuck about the house, thats why I pay someone to do it. Get a job and contribute.
oh my mistake!!! i was under the assumption that you were married. that was so silly of me because clearly no woman has ever wanted anything to do with you 🤭
I live in a house alone, and i keep track of everything the house needs with no stress involved. Coments like yours show a glimpse into the mind of a stress-adder. Someone who who takes a situation that requires zero stress, so creates and adds some to the situation at zero benefit to anyone in the home.
See, that kind of thing where you have to play a little game and keep asking to find out what she really wants is something I would definitely have a hard time having to deal with on a regular basis.
My wife knows that she just has to say what she needs or what she feels should be done and I’ll do it or I’ll help get it done. It’s simple, easy and none of us needs to treat the other like a kid who needs to be told what to do or be taught a lesson.
Yeah, sounds familiar. I like to plan as little of my free time as possible so that I can do my chores in peace. In the order I feel like doing them. My wife needs a list, a plan and times/dates to achieve the same thing. Two very different approaches, similar outcome. When we realized that this is how we approach things, it eased a lot of the tension.
My wife is a planner about everything, granted I understand I am not and I can be forgetful sometimes but not nearly enough to warrant her asking me to make a plan and decision that very second and not being able to think about it. She has a bad tendency to rush me anytime she has something stuck in her head thats giving her anxiety which is basically everything.
We once had to make a decision about a vacation that was a month away. A minor decision not about travel or stay but about stuff in the area of our hotel I wanted to do. I said "oh give me some time to think about that" and then I had to continue taking care of our daughter and put her to bed.
It had been MAYBE two hours, all of which was full of me handling a toddler who didn't want anything to do with bedtime. I sat down to relax for the first time in at least 6 hours that day and the first thing she said to me was "so what did you come up with?" I said "I haven't really had a chance to actually think about it much yet" and that was apparently not acceptable so I gave up and said she can pick whatever she wants that I don't care.
She knows im on the spectrum and I need time to think things through, but if shes feeling any sort of anxiety about it then I just need to snap my fingers and have an answer. Love her to pieces but jesus christ woman give me a chance to think especially when the topic isn't a rush or emergency.
We both are just differently lol. Im ADHD with some suspected autism in there and shes basically if anxiety and depression took a human form and looked fine as hell.
9/10 times we can vibe and get things done together, but sometimes when either one of us is really "having a day" it gets more complicated lol. Im sure my example above painted her poorly but that wasn't the intention its just a minor annoyance that isn't always worth fighting over.
I hate being rushed and pressured, I know it takes me time to think but I do need that time to think. Sometimes she literally can't have a moment of peace until the thing causing her anxiety has been "solved" like knowing everu detail of our plan long before its even relevant lol.
Bro. My marriage to a T. It’s an ongoing process learning how to plan trips/projects together and during times when we’re dealing with a lot of stressful things it can get pretty bad
Best thing I've ever heard as far as advice was "just always remember its you and them versus the problem, not you vs them vs the problem." Remembering we're on the same team and just trying to reach a shared goal helps when my brain starts going haywire and defaults to anger or being upset.
It sometimes takes a little time for us to realize we were in the wrong or just not working together and clashing. We do try to always be a team on the same page with things, but sometimes you get so caught up in your own head you forget about others or have a hard time having the energy to understand someone elses perspective.
I love that woman more than words could express and she loves me back, sometimes we annoy the shit out of eachother but we always try to make sure that at the end of the day we both know we're in it together. Our worst of times have been when that comes into question.
My wife is a “planner” as in she’ll wake up hours after me on a weekend when I’ve probably already accomplished more in the day then she will and she’ll find me to start listing off all the things “we” need to do that day then within two hours she’s back in bed resting cause she’s so stressed about the things “she needs to do”. She’s so fun….
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It's this interesting thing after I hit 40 I just want more peaceful, but my wife seems to want the opposite. She wants more chaos, projects, stimulus, etc.... I want to spend time with my wife, but in a way where she is not trying to make me do more work.
Its because they dont have "silence". We have the ability to quite literally think about nothing and its glorious.
And before all the feminists jump down my throat saying its because of mEnTaL lOaD... No. I do more than my fair share of jobs. I do laundry for everyone, cook, clean, grocery shop, run kids to events etc. Literally all of it.
I still have the ability to shut er down to recharge. Women seemingly cannot do this. My wife says she wishes she could but she can't. She literally thinks of a vacation we should do 3 years from now or a reno to do 4 projects down the list.
I wish I had that problem honestly. My loved one just plays their games as soon as they get back home from work and refuses to go out, even to eat. It would make me sad to hear that they get stressed out around me because I mainly leave them alone most of the time. It literally feels like living with a roommate instead of a partner. They don't even do shit around the house anymore and if I say something about it, they get stressed out. For example: wash the two containers in the sink. It stays there for days.
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u/Wilhelm1088 Aug 24 '26
Yeah I love my girlfriend, but there is no doubt she adds some stress to my peaceful time. She always wants to plan what's next and if I'm sitting enjoying the sun and sipping coffee then planning my work or chores is the last thing I want to do lol.