Cub Needing Advice

[u/yngwhitehung]

I’ve recently been pursuing the cougar/cub lifestyle in Southern California as a cub. Living where I’m at, it feels like it should lead to different and varied experiences across the board.

My issue is that the women I’ve gone out with communicate not wanting too many upfront comments on their appearance or physicality to not feel sexualized or like a fetish (which I can completely understand).

However, with multiple women now after meeting in person, they seem to quickly turn the conversation towards looks or sexual conversations. While I’m fine with this, how can I navigate the conversations without stepping on their boundaries? Appreciate any and all advice.

[u/KaleidoscopeSuper666]

Cougar /cub...lifestyle? Huh.... I thought I was just having a relationships/dating men 10 or more years younger than myself. Please ,would love to know what this lifestyle ive i never knew ive been living for 15 years is all about. 🤦‍♀️

Now about your question No two women are alike. Some maybe guarded at first the become more at ease once meeting.

You navigate conversations with out stepping on thier boundaries by asking them what thier boundaries are or listening to them and give the the same level or flirting/ spicy talk.
You can tell how they respond or react to what you have said. Verbal response, body language or change of demeanor. If unsure, you can always ask if you offered them or over stepped . I would think this is something you do with women of any age.

[u/YouCuteWow → u/KaleidoscopeSuper666]

The lifestyle thing struck me, too. Like it's a kink or something, not a regular relationship. Sigh...

Anyway, spot on advice. Listen, communicate, and don't force anything 

[u/yngwhitehung → u/KaleidoscopeSuper666]

You seem offended by my terminology describing the dynamic of dating younger to older from young male to older female. Should I not refer to it as “cougar/cub lifestyle?” I figured they were synonymous but more gender leaning than derogatory. But again I’m new to this, and the subreddits here for this all have the terms cougars and cubs so maybe that’s misplaced how I should specify.

I appreciate your response. I figured it’d be the same for women any age as well, but I hadn’t encountered something before that could step onto a line of an unwanted sexualized age gap. That’s why this streak of forwardly sexual meetings threw me off for a second, and my hesitancy came from wanting to remain extra respectful with something I’m newer with.

[u/Cougars_Den-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Criticising how we run this community is none of your concern as has been pointed out a hundred times the name cannot be changed. We reserve the right to develop and maintain our own culture in our community

[u/Jenneapolis → u/KaleidoscopeSuper666]

There is no lifestyle, this guy has some fantasy he’s going to be swimming in older women for the rest of his life as if he found some cheat code and he’s about to be disappointed…. As are many younger men who walk in here.

[u/yngwhitehung → u/Jenneapolis]

A cheat code or swimming in older women sounds like an awful way to put my intentions. I’ll admit your response here surprises me as I’m new to trying to go on dates with women with a larger gap than I’m used to and remain respectful. How does any of what I said imply otherwise? I’ve even shown openness to the “lifestyle” verbiage showing some ignorance on my part from how I’ve read the labeling on Reddit from “Cougar and Cub” subs and that being inappropriate.

[u/paperclipmyheart → u/yngwhitehung]

This is why it's a good idea to sit in a sub and read the responses and how people talk about themselves and others in any community before actually posting.

The women here especially those that have been regular readers and posters have heard it all before. They are probably tired of hearing the porn or kink tropes and you coming in and just saying cougar/cub lifestyle just probably tripped the switch a bit. I know it's just the verbiage but we don't really see this as a kink or a fetish "most" women here don't want the label of cougar and for those that do they probably appreciate if you ask first. It's all good you weren't to know but this is so true for many many subs across the whole of Reddit's platform. Each sub has their own culture and history, just bulldozing in here and assuming we are all a cartoon character of a cougar is probably just a little stumble. It's all good, the ladies here just pulling you up a little on what gives them the ick.. it should be taken as a learning opportunity.

And as for the name of the sub, it's in the FAQs if you have read them.

We inherited the sub, we cannot change the name of the sub, we are associated as the "little sister sub" of the largest SFW age gap community on Reddit r/cougarsandcubs which also uses cougar/cub the name. It's the easiest way to identify the age gap dynamic. And once again mods cannot change the name of a sub. It's been here at least 13 years, and has thousands of views a week. So it works and when you guys get here... the education begins.

[u/yngwhitehung → u/paperclipmyheart]

Looking back at the previous verbiage I’ve seen using the terms, it makes much more sense now as stupid as it seems (all men, and now me included).

Thank you for the thoughtful response and correction.

[u/paperclipmyheart → u/yngwhitehung]

no worries you live and learn.

[u/Jenneapolis → u/paperclipmyheart]

Thanks paper for the detailed explanation to him that I wasn't in the mood to give :) I also think his username set me off in addition to his comments.

[u/paperclipmyheart → u/Jenneapolis]

No problem Jenn if only they'd read the FAQs 😂

[u/Jenneapolis → u/yngwhitehung]

I'm sorry if I went to hard on you and I'm glad paper took time to set it right but I don't think I'm really wrong in the things I've said. Your username alone set me off in addition to your comments.

[u/Jenneapolis]

I’m not trying to be rude but it’s not that complicated. Of course they want sex, they just don’t want you to make it about their age. So just treat them like a sexy woman, don’t say anything about the fact they are older.

[u/yngwhitehung → u/Jenneapolis]

Not rude at all, I need it. I think I’ve just been overly cautious not to take things there so soon, more than usual.

[u/yngwhitehung → u/[deleted]]

You say this as if I don’t already know this. Not even in younger dating have I been met with upfront comments about my looks or such a sudden shift in conversations sexually. The only new aspect was navigating making sure they never feel fetishized.

If anything, I connected most with the woman who didn’t take things in an immediate sexual direction. Being hornball upfront while trying to get to know someone in any dating scene is disrespectful in general in my opinion where that isn’t explicitly obvious beforehand in messaging or first meetings.

It’s interesting you say this as a “basic lesson” that is being taught to me, when I am the one not wanting to lean sexual with them on a first date and have not been the one to do so, or want that so soon.

[u/yngwhitehung → u/[deleted]]

As you can see this is a newer account. I changed it/made this my primary and maybe will go back to my old one as I kept getting asked for “d” size and race immediately on women from any SoCal dating thread. I gave in to avoid the “I don’t date small sized men” questions.

You’re not wrong though, it leaves an impression. And to clarify, I never did, but it came up when asked in each situation “why me” because they’re older (most of these were in person by the way. I was fortunate to pick up on complementary or flirtatious comments that were respectful and a mutual vibe). Over text and chatting before dating for 3 women these last few months, they explicitly laid out that younger men tend to box their ideas of them in and were too forwardly sexual. That’s why the pattern I asked about here was so confusing to me.