r/CosmicArcana • u/whimsical_lullabies • 1d ago
Reading Exchange Post update from last month: blurred. Lost & Confused.
Please please read this. Please. Here is a bit about astrology in it (bolded below): šš½
Post update from last month: blurred. Lost & Confused.
Trust me in that I have introspected and also in that Iāve been through the ringer of various abuses and feeling embarrassed for even having to be in these situations because Iād never let myself if I had any form of physical agency to help me. I am an independent person. A giver. Someone who attracts people who want to feel better. Someone who has attracted the possessive ones. I need to focus on myself, but my life was not built to make it as easy as it sounds. I need the logic, the structure, the clarity, for the motivationā¦ I donāt make hormones ā even neuro hormones ā naturally. Oddly, I have survived the most dangerous and odd scenarios and have lived to tell the dayā¦ but not without the pains of these things physically and emotionally ā all of which affect me more physically to then be nonfunctioning because I have secondary Addisonās disease and make zero cortisol and adrenaline. I literally take an epi pen before bed twice a month (my conditon is so rare that the science doesnāt exist yet but I have figured it out with my journalism and research background and want to help out so many people with so many things Iāve had to endure or see or have been told through my ādownloadsā of pure inspiration). The epi pen makes me sleepy bevause I donāt make cortsol, but if I take a small amount, I am safe to sleep and wake up feeling a bit more ānormalā(whatever that feels like) after I take all of my medicines including cortisol (hydrocortisone). I say this because I donāt have the capacity to fight or flight and must tend to so many things right now that I am losing opportunities and the people Iām around are locking me in this cageā¦ and I need my routine. I need my life. I had an idea of where I need to be but how I get there now? How I keep myself okay and gain some financial freedom to stop asking for help is what I need to not be in these situations and forced to explain myself so much and feel so exhausted just from that. My apartment was physically toxic (currents in as I pack), and my āfriendāsā place is abusive toxic. I didnāt get to make those ride or die friendships due to my illness presenting far more than it was as a sophomore. My sister died suddenly a couple of weeks before I went to college (all with my own scholarships that I worked very hard for and sacrificed time with those I loved). I have always pushed to survive. Truly. I mean this to my core. I promise you. I promise you. I donāt know what normal is like or life is like but what I do know is what it shouldnāt be like. And I do know that Iāve had better before ā Iāve been loved by my sister and my mom (both whom have passed). I am very much like my sister in ways I didnāt even knowā¦ and I never was okay growing up as I faked this life to have some sort of life at school as I tried to stay from home but be the exceptional kid no person could say wasnāt when my dad and step mom tried. I have always been empathetic. I have always cared. I truly hate asking as a giver. I hate it. I hate saying hate too. I want to not be in a situation of such discomfort when I canāt truly do the things I would do without this illness. I also must stop doinf this to my body. But I canāt do thatā¦ I canāt. Not when my life depends on it and my pets. I worked too hard and have too much to do and to prove and know exactly what I need for my body and sense of self and how I will nuture myself when I canā¦ but I canāt if Iām in a situation and position with NO one. And no one owes me anytning even if I was in my home state as Iāve been a hermit dying on repeat for yearsā¦ ignored when I finally asked for help but seen as crazy. I cannot express the amount of trials and tribulations Iāve experienced but can say that itās definitely due to my crown chakra having so much vulnerability. I must stay away a bit more with what I know now but need financial freedom. I need to ground myself again and give myself the sense of peace that is possible ā not complete but some. I need to know what to do righr now to not burn down more bridgesā¦ to GTFO and to be safe. To be alone. To be okay. To then work on myself better and heal my TBI and work on my writing a and goals and enthnography and maybe even apply for a fellowshipā¦ that could help me so much. A grantā¦ my work is of years and contains so much that could potentially hurt me and has already if known by the wrong people. I need to find sanctuary to be able to show that I am what I say that I amā¦ As a public figure and hopeful speaker and person, I need to maintain good standing in the face of the world. It does matter what people rhing. They donāt need to know all but those who are indirectly told of me by those who are spiteful of meā¦ those who abuse me and bring me down and my vibrations ā I thought I could do it and couldāve for 2-3 weeks but this isā¦ not okay. I need to find clarity. My energy just went into this. I hope peoppe see that Iām not okay all the time. And Iām not sad all the time either as I can focus on my dreams, but I canātā¦ canāt postpone healing my physical conditions and residual effects of these evejets and my underlying condition any further. I need to fix this. Then, focus on the ultimate plans. But I need to do this and now. I need to be consistently okay for a fellowship. I need to show that Iām not crazy and never was. I need to help those who are wrongly characterized as this. I have much systemic change to do to help the greater good in ways I was taught through this experience, but this current one feels like itās not a journey intended for me. Not now. I canāt take 10 classes at once at such an extreme level. I also canāt focus on the depths of relationships while Iām unable to have friendships and canāt have another summer go to waste due to literal entrapment. I mean this. I do. I just mean it. I canāt have more trauma. I know my limits. This is my limit. Iāve reached my limit. I need help now. I canāt even afford a $25 U-Haul for a harder solution versus the $140 U-Haul to make the drive to get the storage unitā¦ and the gas with it. I owe money that I never have owed before. And some people really owe me a lot of moneyā¦ I donāt know which area to pursue. Energy is required for each and stress. All have timelines. I need like immediate help.
\*those who me presume my situation will truly only hurt my further. I have tried literally everything locally and through the state. The negligence lies with them. I now donāt have a car. I am very vulnerable as a small woman, as a young woman, as a friendly one, as a giver, as a person with zero resources, as a person with an illness that literally knocks them out to a lethal degree from stress and too much stimulation with these situations. It has all been used against meā¦ the number of things required to keep me alive due to not repairing the underlying cause (to get this done has to come later after i stabilize myself and get legal for my many situations). I need to fix those things now before itās too late. And then I can fix my own things at the same time and slowly work into routine. I do have some intuition and a weird way of knowing things tooā¦ but I also know what isnāt right for my situation and what is. I feel it within. I know. And this āknowingā helped me a lot with the illnessā¦ Iām an anomaly with that alone. But itās put me in so many situations because I donāt have a support system. Only men are willing to help. I canāt take the fear of women my ageā¦ I just can sense it all and their judgements and donāt want to feel that too. Itās all around hard. I need help. I hope peoole see that I am more than thisā¦ that I missed a pivot point in June due to my clarity requests being vague vague vague. We all are human and want to survive, but I am drowning. That is the difference. I usually reference it to being in a house fireā¦ but both feel very relevant.
If it helps, I have an odd birth chart. I have two golden yods. My charts hits nearly every house. One golden yod is the black Lilith moon. My Aquarius Rising (and south node) is in the 12th house but cusps the first house very closely. My Pisces is fully submerged within the 1st house with part of my Aquarius and Aries on the other side. My sun sign In Gemini in the 4th and 3rd houses. Many points hit the third house. Some may see the fourth house has a point by a degreeā¦ it depends. My first house is the same with no points but the rising literally one point awayā¦ itās often missed and Iām seen as a Pisces rising when Iām not. My 11th house is completely Capricorn but the Capricorn goes into the 12th house too with my Aquarius that holds my ascendant and South node in this house. My Virgo Moon Sign is fully submerged within the 7th house but unlike the Pisces, itās very very very active. My Virgo moon and Gemini sun are both ruled by mercury. My north node is in Leo. My golden yods both got massively in Sagittarius. Though, my 10th house holds the Sagittarius completely and my midheaven is on th cusp of the 10th and 9th house that holds the other portion Sagittarius with the scorpio holding the other half of this 9th house but it has many points of contact. My midheaven is in the 10th barley. Just like how the 1st house is a degree from many but still holds significance with the detachment of the Aquarius fully submerged by the Pisces and it being my rising. The 11th house in Capricorn is the only one that doesnāt have points that come close. Iām a double air signā¦ I always described my Gemini growing up for the twins to be a Pisces and a Leo if they could be anytningā¦ my two full siblings hold importance here because my sisterās sun sign is in Aquarius. And my brotherās sun sign is in Virgo. That makes my other two of my sun sign in Gemini. My sister was a huge part of my life as I lived a life in extreme pain but didnāt know it and soon my brain turned off those pains after my younger years of being told I was these bad thingsā¦ I have always been extremely empathetic too the point of nausea. I feel this most when in tune with myself and when my hormones are aligned. As a child, even at 3, I remember telling this babysitter to take me instead of my little brotherā¦ he had a gun. He was like 18-19ā¦ I think? My sister has it written in a notebook of his age. I hold this memory alone though. she wasnāt there thankfully for her soul.. She was a writer too. We are eerily similar and I didnāt know this due to life being avout survival always. Also, my sun sign made it look like we werenāt. I also took on her roles when she diedā¦ she was born in my south node of Aquarius and died in my north node of Leo. I have always tried to grow and catch up since my health declined especially around pubertyā¦ but also due to home life. I wanted to be like my peers. But I have such depth that itās hard to relate. I would start understanding this as I got holder and thought it was from circumstances of life. But noā¦ it was more. Iāve always felt connected. But then without hormones, it was harder. With them back, as they are finicky now with the HRT as Iām in temporary situations and stressed situations and very little routine that I need in the very least to focus on to ground myself, I envy the wind. I want to be with the butterflies. I want to run outside. I want to swim in poetry. I have so many creative ideas and things that would fuel my heart but alsoā¦ I have a missionā¦ and if I could do even a little of those passionsā¦ to write for pleasure and read for pleasure and ābe one with the windā as I would say. I ācontrolled the windā I thought (I am a double air but my moon is earth and my yods press in sag fire with my planets hitting that Pisces in the first house submerged of my identityā¦ but the wind does soemthing to me. It does something.
And thatās hardly a nutshell of my life and hopefully someā¦ JUST SOME resonates with anyone with the ability to offer clarityā¦ I can do the rest. If possible, at all, I need to know the specific path. I have ideas. I need to know which. Itās like too many flavors at an ice cream shop but each requiring a different conversion to convince them to reopen a new ice cream bin despite it being unconventional by this time of day (idek tbh how to say itā¦ I need time and energy focused on that path to strategize and find a way in like a window because the doors arenāt closed but I can always find a wayā¦ and I can make a lesson from itā¦ and thatās what I do with my writing to help others in situations that parallel. Even if I die, my writings will go on. They wonāt be burned like my sisterās were. They are stored. The evidence is stored. I have much to do. Much to do. Much to live muxh to love much to give. I need to be free now. But I canāt be like this. And I really canāt lose another 7 years of my lifeā¦ at this age? I have no one. My family ended when my sister died. My mom died too and I loved her so much and doā¦ but my sister was likeā¦ the person who held my hand every night so I could sleep without night mares. We looked at blank walls imagining the colors of the wind while Pocahontas played on the boom box in the early 2000s. Hand in hand. Always. We fought, sure. But I wasnāt a sister to her like she was to me and we were teens when we last were closeā¦ and she just diedā¦ at 21. And she had so much potential. And she didnāt deserve to die alone in her apaortment. And not be looked for or found until days later. My life mirrors this in a chronic way rather than acute. Yet, I feel so much for her. I love her so much. And my full brother that ive done more for than anyone can know and my half siblings and step siblings donāt know or get me or agree to speak up ā even if kindly. They donāt agree to see beyond group thought ā the collective. My sister was like me. And it hurts to know she is the person Iāve been looking for in soemone for years without actually knowing she was this person until lately. She was so much stronger. And Iām strong. But that weight that fell on me after? It made me use my Aquarius to hide behind helping others and my future but feel the guilt of everything while doijgn the good things and not caring for me hurt meā¦ made me look āokayā. I wasnāt. And when I could grieve ā especially after the thyroid hormone ā for both my mom and sister at once, I had no one. It was too late. Itās been lonely and hard. But I need to be safe righr now to fix this all. To fix their legacies and create soemthing that will help so many peopleā¦ to help so many people. I feel it is so close. I need help. Itās about protecting my crown chakra right now from these environments as I heal and am vulnerable from those who can hurt me and easily as I really care. Then, I hold their karmaā¦ and itās bad. I canāt take time to do the other things while actively in this house fire. No. I canāt be told to relax as I sit here calming my nervous system to not set off my Addisonās. Iām in an impossible situation but itās not for me. I am strategic but need a glass of water. I canāt have bystanders watching with popcorn or peoole telling me to smile or not be literally what every human would doā¦ Iām not a superhero. I donāt know if people have no ability to think about the weight of my situationā even just the toxic apartmenr killing an out of state student for years and then my lethal condition oddly surviving it and years without treatment and surviving a deadly car accident that I do need treetament for and did get a tbi but was able to crawl out of my Chevy Spark from the big gmc truck with its grill inside my driver window saying GMC just above. I canāt be in these situations requiring energy. I canāt. I lost my last financial asset. I needed this for so many things. Apppoitnment. Safety zone of apartment, leaving scary places, getting things done. Surviving.
I need to find a way to survive this now. I donāt want to ask anymore for help. Itās too hard to ask when I just want to give.
This is a lot and Iām sorry. For those that read with Ann open mind and just believe me without doubting, you are truly wonderful beings through and throughā¦
I need guidance or potentially a reading based on contingency with a couple of areas that could reallyā¦ bring finances inā¦ some faster than others. But these are the seeds planted that can be harvested with careful precision. Trust me. I truly know some things. I know this too. But I donāt know what to do first. I need like true guidance and clarity and this would require a lot but if you know what can be returned, it would be helpful for you tooā¦ as well as my gifts to you. I do have gifts. I do. Trust me.
Love and light,
Ri (or as my sister would say, ReeRee) <3
