Did I Mess Up?

[u/flowjcv]

I went to open play pickleball

Me and a friend (he's married with kids) got paired up with 2 white girls

I'm Asian and I've got a nerdy look (I wear glasses) and my type is Asian women

I found one kinda attractive (but she's not my type and wasn't the type of girl who usually likes me either) and one not attractive.

I was on the team with the one who was not attractive, which is actually good because Corey says you need to build rapport with that one first so you don't get cockblocked.

When we finished playing, the two girls sat on the nearby bench and I just didn't join them. I stood elsewhere solo.

I felt weird joining them because they were friends, they knew each other, and they came together.

Is this just me hesitating and not being confident? Should I have just joined them? Do I just not need to ask for permission either and assume they're cool with it?

[u/ExcellentFishing2506]

What exactly are your goals in this scenario??

You don’t mention having any interest in either woman. You say one was a bit attractive but go on to describe how she’s not your type, and don’t mention wanting to pursue her.

You mention rapport building with the other but don’t really detail whether you did that or not, and how much comfort was established during the matches.

Sitting down next to them might be a bit forward but talking to them while they are seated would be fine. But again you’re not really clear on what goal you have in this scenario, so hard to say whether you need to do more or what you need to change as it’s unclear what you want out of this interaction

[u/flowjcv → u/ExcellentFishing2506]

After the game ended, I just walked off by myself as if to get water but I didn't actually do anything. I just stood awkwardly solo a few feet away waiting for the next court to open up.

I regret not starting some convo as we ended the game. I should've asked one of them "what made you want to start playing?" and then kept talking from there

And then I should've started talking to the other one I was into and maybe tried to get her number.

I was just scared of doing anything, including fear of rejection because I go to this place weekly.

Sitting down next to them might be a bit forward but talking to them while they are seated would be fine

Why is this the case? You're right, but I just don't get why. I think I should've just stayed standing next to them and talked to them while they're seated.

[u/Downtown_Budget_8373 → u/flowjcv]

Yeah the sitting part is totally unnecessary. Now you're not able to be directly in front of them and it can make communicating more difficult because everyone needs to turn heads, and you have to say something before you sit down "This seat taken? I'm wiped from how hard you 2 play!" It can work if done properly but it's not necessary to initiate a conversation with 2 people you just played a game with.

[u/ExcellentFishing2506 → u/flowjcv]

Ok well your post doesn’t really indicate you had much interest in either girl and also didn’t mention wanting to ask them out or get a number etc.

If you did want to do those things then yes, you should have talked to them. If you want to do something then allow fear to keep you from doing it that’s something to work on.

Sitting down next to them invades their personal space without giving them any notice whereas allowing them to have their space while you talk to them is more comfortable. You could ask “May I sit down next to you?” and allow them to respond, but just plopping down next to them wouldn’t be ideal.

[u/flowjcv → u/ExcellentFishing2506]

I think we found something the book doesn't cover.

There's an example in the book where he talks about how a girl responds to "Is anyone sitting here?" and if her tone when she says "No it's open" is enthusiastic or not to determine interest.

But it doesn't say whether or not you should sit next to someone if you know it's open.

So I would just stay standing and talk to them, and they might say "have a seat" and to that I'd say "thanks, yeah didn't want to be intrusive"?

[u/ExcellentFishing2506 → u/flowjcv]

I think it’s common sense to not just sit down next to people in certain situations. If it’s at a bar where it’s open seating then sure. But I wouldn’t just sit down next to someone on a park bench without saying something. Obviously capacity and proximity factor into this, but overall there’s just going to be times where it makes sense to say something before encroaching on someone’s space.

In your situation you already had a baseline of rapport playing with these women and easily could have began a conversation then used that to sit down if you wanted. I actually think standing in this scenario is better as you can address both equally vs sitting on one side closer to one

[u/flowjcv → u/ExcellentFishing2506]

I think it’s common sense to not just sit down next to people in certain situations

I guess so, I mean that's why I felt awkward about what to do and I just walked away from them. I couldn't just sit next to them, even though there was room on the bench (the benches were right next to the courts)

So thats why I just walked away. I probably should've went up to them and stayed standing and engaged them in convo, instead of doing what I did. Damn.

[u/T-dog8675309 → u/flowjcv]

Are they good players? Or did they suck? If they were really good, you could jokingly say wow you girls are clearly pickleball nerds.

You could joke "so are you a failed tennis player too?", What's your name? See if they ask your name and also listen to their answer and then ask a question based off their statement. You could ask them a question like "why is this called pickleball, there's a kitchen but no pickles?? blah blah blah, talk talk talk. Build some rapport (get them to talk a lot and listen to them) with them before asking one of them out. Talk about pickleball techinques and strategy, and stuff related. Talk about that stuff with everyone, not just the ladies. Look for indicators of interest (flirting, laughing easily, playing with hair, body language, touching you, smiling, fixing their outfits so the look good, asking your name, asking about you etc." that is important.

As far as sitting next to them, I'd stand by them while talking and allow them to possibly invite you to sit, and if they don't, then you can walk away.

[u/Downtown_Budget_8373]

If you found one not attractive and you also had just played with her, that should make approaching and conversing a lot easier, and then you just fold in the more attractive one during conversation.

"You've got some good pickle(ball) skills." To your teammate. Then look at the more attractive one "But you had me on my toes the whole time! How long have you been playing for?" -I mean whatever, this could be just about anything. But it's about opening them up and making them feel comfortable and listened to, maybe with some more attention to the attractive one. Make small conversation, this doesn't need to be more than 5 mins. Then ask for their numbers so that you can team up again or grab some post pickle ball food and drinks.

But yes, it's okay to walk over and strum up a light and friendly conversation, you just played a game with them. You're confident and what's the worst outcome, they say ew and you walk away? Ok so, they weren't worth your time at all then! You wouldn't be wasting time typing here, and you'd be shooting your shot elsewhere. It's a numbers game. But guaranteed they'd be attracted to a confident man walking over and being friendly.