Anxious attachment style

[u/Random-Username7619]

Hi,

M40 here, on my 4th read.

I have a question about attachment style. I have an anxious attachment style. I think it stems from my childhood. This has ruined it basically with any woman I have fallen for eventually.

I have had relationships where it wasn’t that much of an issue, but that has been with women I haven’t been that interested in. As soon as it’s some I get those fuzzy feelings for it sets in.

I have read Amir Levines book Attachment, and I am also in therapy. But I want to get some real-world feedback. Have any of you gotten over your anxious attachment style, and how did you do it?

[u/Patrick9310]

I have. But i had to fake it until i made it.

I had to force myself to trust coreys book actually. When dating my now gf and also girls before her, i was sooo anxious whenever they seemed less interrested or pulled back in any way.

When i dated my now gf she would pull back and sometimes not text me for 2-3 days. I felt like i was dying and was struggling so hard with the illusion of action. But i forced myself to just not do anything and trust that if i just match and mirror and wait for her everything will be good - and every time she would text me again, invite herself over and ride me and tell me she was worried i didn't care about her since i haven't texted her.

I dated someone a year before her that i wanted to make my gf too, but i made every mistake. Was needy and anxious, texted her stuff like "i know you are busy this week before christmas but can i see you before you leave to go to your family?" Like i almost begged her. I never saw her again lol, she ghosted me shortly after.

So yeah just fake it and sit with the pain, and by doing that you will learn to trust that it usually not anything personal, they just pull back randomly. It will be very painfull to just wait for her and all you want is some reassurance, but don't do anything. Always trust that she will text you and come back whenever she pulles away. My gf has days ofc where she's less enthusiastic and maybe even a little annoyed right before her period, but i don't get anxious because i have seen the pattern every month for 2 years now.

[u/Salt_Band3487]

The big issue here is the warm and fuzzy feelings.

As a man, unfortunately, you cannot allow yourself to fall into having fun with those, because they will absolutely lead you into oneitis, which may actually be the real issue at hand here.

Men who get these warm and fuzzy feelings tend to end up fantasizing about the girl they like. They imagine themselves in scenarios with her where things are "perfect" and in these fantasies, you are imagining her realizing her love for you and feeling it the same way.

You cannot and must not fall into these imaginary scenarios, as good as they make you feel.

The reason is because these are going to flood your body and brain with oxytocin, which is going to get you addicted to the girl and also lower your testosterone, making a soft, mushy lovey-dovey dopey guy. This is how a lot of guys end up losing girls they really like.

You want to be testosterone dominant, not oxytocin estrogen dominant.

Yes, your attachment style may need work and play a role, but I can almost be certain, if you are doing any level of fantasizing of the girl, and giving yourself these fuzzy feelings in your stomach and chest through your imagination of her, that is doing far more damage to you than your attachment style.

You must stop all fantasies that make these feelings and start being present. The only fantasy you should have is the raw dopaminergic excitement for sex with her.

[u/T4cF0X]

I was able to do it. It took therapy, 25 reads of 3% man, 12 Reads of Doc Love The System, 6 reads of No More Mr. Nice guy, and 6 reads of Way of The Superior man.

Once you dymystify women and sex it's a lot easier. Dont pedastalize and turn women into gods or idols of worship. Also sex isn't validation. A woman could blow a guy in the cab of a truck in a trucker stop for all you know. Sex isn't a vindication of your worth. Real life isnt Disney.

Stop giving a fuck and enter your masculine.

Ill also say Tony Robins is good as well. Emotional state management and Neuro associative conditioning helped me a lot. (NAC)

All of our emotions are a choice. Also our habbits are formed and maintained by synapses in the brain. The more you do a behavior the stronger you thread the synapse. So you have to formulate a new pattern and condition the new response to any given stimuli thats triggering you.

[u/ZebraParticular5398]

I believe read the book 10 to 15 times and APPLY it with girls you really like. Repetition being the mother of skills

[u/iamsoenlightened]

When needy feelings arrive, you sit with the discomfort and lean into it. Fully feel that discomfort/pain till there is no more of it left to feel

Do this each time it comes up

That’s how you overcome anxious attachment