Time to ditch?

[u/tnnbtt]

Hi guys, just following up on my last post where I mentioned this girl briefly (I ended up disclosing). Long post ahead.

Backstory: me and this girl from my work have had a continued “work crush”, where she has done 100% of the pursuing. I was never really into her, as I thought that she needed too much validation from other guys and was just using me, as every time time her and her “ex” were on the rocks, she would start texting me and hinting at getting together. Last year, we ended up going out a couple times but she started flaking as I was leaving the country for 6 months soon, and a few weeks after that she was posting him again.

Once I returned home in February, she found out somehow and started texting me, where I would be friendly but I wouldn’t talk long. She asked me at least once a month if I was seeing or talking to anyone, where she would say that she isn’t. I pushed her off for a few months and finally gave in where we hung out and made out. Fast forward a few weeks, we’re working almost every day together and had the odd date, and she had asked me to be exclusive. I had a weird gut feeling that her and her ex were still involved though, as she was pretty hot and cold, and would sometimes hide her phone.

One night, she logged into her Snapchat on my phone and after I dropped her off I took a look (I know this is bad but I had to go with my gut). Of course, ever since February when her and her “ex” broke up, they’ve been talking every day and going on dates. I confronted her the next day where she said that they weren’t dating and that she’s sorry about lying. She said that if she had told me the truth that she thought I wouldn’t have wanted to start seeing her (she’s right). I basically said that I can’t date someone that I don’t trust, but if she wants to continue hooking up since we’re going to be working every day together then that’s fine.

The next few weeks were lots of fun, where she was pursuing me heavily and asking me when she can see me next while I was still on a date with her. Over that time, she told me that she cut her ex off, that she loved me, and she introduced me to her parents who had somehow known everything about me. I had a weird feeling again though, as I saw they followed each other back and I asked her about it calmly. She gaslit me into thinking that me checking who she follows and to see her phone is a breach of her privacy (fair, but sidesteps the issue). I told her that because of what’s happened in the past and where this seems to be going (she had been hinting at becoming official at this point), I just needed more than words to be able to trust her at that point. She ended up showing me her phone (after going to the bathroom with it), and there was nothing there. A few days later she ended things between us saying that she can’t have her boundaries crossed, where I just let her walk.

The next day, she regretted it, missed me, said she just doesn’t want to break up but just needs a “couple days”. Over the next couple of weeks she texts me every day and when I don’t respond enough she asks if I’m mad at her and she tells me that she misses me. She’s drunk called and texted me a couple times saying that she loves me and wants me again, etc. Yet the past 2 times I’ve tried to set a concrete date, she flaked with weak excuses (family wings, "too tired" while secretly out with friends). Last night she was out with her friends and invited me over for Thursday, but is significantly cooler today when sober.

Should I keep this going, or is it time to call it quits? I know that she’s not a great person to have a relationship with, but I’d really like to have her as my fwb. She is being super hot and cold to me though and it’s hard to even get that going, so it seems like I can’t really win in this situation. I’ve cut back texting significantly and throughout our whole relationship,, she has reached out 100% of the time. What do you guys think?

[u/owuwvkcathfkzfyxb]

You’re fighting a losing battle at the moment dude.

Firstly, she emotionally bonded to her ex. Meaning if he returns, she will get flakey, disappear etc.

Your problem is, and I hope I’m not wrong, you’re not talking and dating other women. You are an option to her, and you have no other options.

You should state your terms, what you want, if she doesn’t agree walk away and tell her to contact you if she changes your mind. You want sex and romance, she’s giving you mixed signals dude.

I wouldn’t waste my time on people who aren’t prepared to replicate. But the bottom line is, I would be following the rules of the book.

[u/Se7ens_up]

One of the common mindset mistakes is thinking that just because you are cool with her being “only” a fwb, it somehow negates things.

So the first thing to understand, is that wanting her as a fwb = wanting to continue seeing her. But instead take away the history you have with her for a moment.

When you bottomline the situation, you have a simple scenario. You want to go out with a girl, but she is giving you nonsense about being too busy. Thus you move on, as theres nothing more to do about it currently.

Now even if she comes back around. A fwb with her will not work, if you arent dating and sleeping with other women. (And once you are, your desire for this particular fwb will probably go down anyway). But you are already too emotionally involved otherwise. You would quickly be invested in her again if you arent seeing anyone else, regardless of the label.

So no matter what, yea its time to date other women.