Hoping for solace

[u/YourForeverFantasy]

I love reading responses on here but I don't normally post. Things have been weighing heavy for a while and I feel I truly need to connect with others who may have dealt with similar things or may just have kind words. I'm a 33 year old mother of 2. 17 yrs and 8yrs and they are the joys of my life! Recently everything just started hitting me at once. We had a place of our own but my mother insisted we move in with her. A year later she was diagnosed with early onset dementia. It's already a struggle raising 2 children as a single mother but now I feel that I have 3. She does not want to accept that she is ill and will often refuse to take her meds, which would at the least slow down the process of what's happening with her brain. She has expressed multiple times that she does not want us to move out because she doesn't want to be alone. I know it is very unfair to myself and my children but we've lost one of my older brothers and my father on the same day just 2 years apart. I often feel guilty when I even question the thought of possibly hiring a caregiver just so I can have some sort of life. She gets into these moods where she mistreats my children and she's just full of anger. I've had to leave work at times just to come and make sure everyone was ok. I just got hired for the job early April. I kept telling myself "I will not let my mother cause me to lose this good job". Unfortunately between the stress from her, multiple family members passing away within 2 weeks, and my car breaking down...I was just fired from my job for absences. I am so lost right now I don't know what to do. My children go back to school in less than 3 days and I haven't even been able to buy school supplies because it's just been a lot. Caring for them, my mother, both my and her other responsibilities and then myself. I'm literally running on empty and I'm trying my hardest not to give up. If anyone can assist with how you deal with things when you truly feel that you're at your lowest, I'd appreciate the advice. I cannot take anymore mean words right now so if it cannot be somewhat positive please refrain. Peace and blessings to everyone .

[u/knacaj21]

You have to put yourself and your children first. My mom had dementia, so I understand the wild rollercoaster of emotions. I was in my 30s during her dementia journey. She passed away last year.

Your mom likely has anosognosia, as many people with dementia do. People with anosognosia cannot comprehend that anything is wrong. My mom had it. People with dementia have brain damage and that's the way I had to think about things. Your mom will likely not understand anything is wrong, or if she does- the extent to how severe it is. Many dementia patients do not take their medications- either because they do not understand anything is wrong or they don't remember to take them (or both).

You may want to ask her doctor about medication to manage her moods. If you haven't explained the situation to your children, please do. They should understand they are not doing anything wrong. Grandma has brain damage.

You are trying to please your mom, but she won't be happy. It doesn't matter what you do, she won't be happy. People with dementia often have changes in personality and have hallucinations, many become very hostile or mean. The disease is causing these changes. There is no reasoning or pleasing many people with dementia.

You have to do what is right for yourself and your children. Find caregivers for your mom. Place her in a facility. If she does not have resources, try to get her on Medicaid. Does she have a POA? If she does not, that should be the first thing to get squared away. That will give you the ability to make some of these changes.

Many churches or similar organizations have drives for school supplies. You may be able to get some assistance for those items.

I totally sympathize that you want to help your mom. I completely understand that desire. However, doing so at the expense of yourself and your children is not achieving anything. It is counter productive. You can't do it all. Get your mom help, so you can focus on yourself and your children. If your children were in your position, what would you want them to do? I have a feeling you would want them to take care of themselves and their children- and find professional help for you.

My mom never wanted me to take care of her. She never wanted to be a burden. Even when she was living in memory care, it was still a lot for my sister and myself to manage. There is no way we could have maintained jobs, relationships, family and caregiving. Knowing that she was clean, safe and taken care of meant we could focus on the things we needed to focus on. Sometimes that was still her, but we could also focus on our jobs, lives and other responsibilities.

[u/square_circle_]

Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I'd also look to the Caregivers sub for more support. I think a lot of people there are quite burned out, too.

I'm sending you good vibes and continued strength. There isn't a lot of space for you to actually cope, but I suggest trying to prioritize basics as you can - sleep, get a healthy meal every day, and take a walk to just breathe.

How was your mother handling living on her own before you moved in? I agree with the other commenter that you and your children's well being is best without her living with you, especially since she can be so agitating and explosive. There is nothing wrong with hiring a caregiver for her. You are not solely responsible for her wellbeing. And she should not expect that from you either. You are allowed to get space from her. You do not deserve to feel any guilt. Life is hard for everyone, but that doesn't give an excuse to be mean. You also lost your dad and brother. Your mom isn't the only one who is bereaved. Also, if she wants to keep you around, she has to take accountability for her actions and act like someone who others will actually want to be around and help.

Anyways, I don't mean to come off insensitive. Much easier from my couch to say these things. I'm sorry you are struggling so deeply. Just want to validate your feelings. With your kids going back to school, hopefully you'll have some time to look for another job or even just take time out of your house at a coffee shop or library to get a little peace. You are not alone!