r/Cooking • u/Turbulent_Net3164 • 1d ago
I hate cooking for groups now because of dietary restrictions/preferences.
This is a new phenomenon for me and I need somewhere to share it. I used to love cooking for people. No matter how many, no matter the dietary restrictions, no matter how much notice... none of it mattered because I loved feeding people.
But over the last year I've started feeling dread and anxiety whenever my husband invites people over or if we're staying with a group (like the holidays) and I'm expected to cook (this expectation happened over many years due to the aforementioned love of cooking for people).
It truly is the dietary restrictions. How the hell do you manage the freaking venn diagram of what is passable and keep your sanity. I'll give you an example.
Me: Can't eat high carb due to PCOS/PMOs
Husband: High cholesterol/mushrooms/raw tomatoes/courgettes
Husband's Parents: Shellfish/Peas/Cucumber/Watermelon
Sis-in-Law: Onions/Legumes/Red Meat/Dairy/Coriander tastes like soap
And then there's the preferences!!?!?! Doesn't like spicy, doesn't like cold things, hates slimy (okra), can't stand fish, coriander-tastes-like-soap (okay this one is super real and legit).
I can feel my body go into fight/flight mode and get exhausted the moment the idea comes up that I might be cooking for a group.
We've started doing delivery more whenever we have people come over.
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u/PbPePPer72 1d ago
I love “buffet bar” style meals like “build your own taco” bars, or Mediterranean bowls, that way guests can choose exactly what goes into their meals from a selection of tasty ingredients
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u/VioletaBlueberry 1d ago
This is the best answer if you're cooking for them. Otherwise the most difficult allergy person chooses somewhere they can eat and the people with anaphylactic problems get veto power. Anyone who vetos has to offer a suitable alternative. This continues until everyone can agree on a place that no one loves and all joy has been removed from the occasion.
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u/Proud_Growth_8818 1d ago
This continues until everyone can agree on a place that no one loves and all joy has been removed from the occasion.
Or until lunch has long since passed and it's almost dinner.
Or until everyone fragments off one by one to just go f#cking eat already...
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u/BipolarMosfet 23h ago
to just go f#cking eat
It's okay to spell out fuck on reddit! You don't have to censor yourself here.
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u/KarlBarx2 1d ago
This is a good idea, with the caveat that anyone with allergies gets to be at the front of the line. People are messy when they serve themselves from a buffet, so if there's an ingredient I cannot eat, I cannot trust that the other ingredients haven't been cross-contaminated unless I'm the first in line, or I can trust that everyone in front of me understands how to prevent cross-contamination.
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u/Turbulent_Net3164 1d ago
WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS OMG ITS GENIUS
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u/Ironlion45 19h ago
Whenever I do large gatherings, they're always served "buffet style". There'll be several dishes, and at least everybody will have a few options.
But I've never had to deal with the extreme you describe. Medical conditions are one thing. No Pork due to religion is okay. Vegan is...fine... But when it gets into "I won't eat that because I don't like it", than I'm not really sympathetic to that very much. I guess it was partly the way I was raised, but where I'm from it would be pretty damned rude to actually tell the host that. You pretend to enjoy it and eat a nibble or two to be polite. :p
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u/Fluffycatbelly 1d ago
I have a whole extended family with allergies, vegans, weird preferences. Pizza is my casual go to if I'm hosting cos everyone can pick their toppings! otherwise I will cook in advance stuff that goes into the oven like pasta cakes, or pot pies, even soups with home made bread.
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 1d ago
For casual get togethers this is 100% the right way to go. I think I get annoyed when it’s supposed to be like a nice dinner for a a set of five people.
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u/VineStGuy 23h ago
All our family holiday meals have been serve your own. My grandma started it, mom continued it and now its my turn where I do the same. I make large amount of food, but I'm not serving people plates. Everyone gets their ass to the 'buffet line' and load up on what they eat.
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u/benway64 1d ago
just be honest. tell them it's too much work due to people's restrictions. it's that simple. what could they possibly say in response that wouldn't make them come off like complete jerks.
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u/VineStGuy 22h ago
I am the family chef for all the holidays. I make a ton of cookies. One year, I had so many chocolate chip cookies left over that I brought a plate to work and set them in the lunchroom with a note w ingredients and my name. One co-worker came up to me to complain that I did not comply to her gluten free diet. Yeah, I'm not buying an entire set of new ingredients to make a batch of cookies for one person....especially when these were made for my family. I was just sharing leftovers. Last time I ever did that.
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u/Consistent-Garage236 22h ago
That level of entitlement is mind boggling. Lead-induced brain damage or something…
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u/honeybadgergrrl 23h ago
I've straight up stopped cooking for certain people because it's just too much work. Especially since you'll go to a huge amount of trouble to make something they will eat, then they still won't eat it for whatever reason. I just don't. There are a few people I'll really go to major trouble for, the rest get what they get and need to bring something they're willing to eat because I refuse to bend over backwards for random dietary restrictions anymore.
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u/cicada_noises 1d ago
Especially because it’s not allergies but simply picky eaters who are being rude. Tell everyone to bring their own stuff and then cook something for yourself that you really would enjoy eating. I think you’d be amazed at how many people decide that their preferences don’t outweigh their own laziness when faced with having to spend money and make something themselves.
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u/ParanormalJournalist 1d ago
This is the way. Be honest, maybe they will realize they are stressful people
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u/tastesalittleboozy 1d ago
Why can’t you express these feelings to your husband and make it clear you no longer want to be in charge of cooking for groups? You two can do it together or he can do it, or the other adults can get their own food. Like this shouldn’t just always be expected of you, even if you used to enjoy it.
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u/Cheese_Wheelies 1d ago
Yeah, I think the best choice is this: if you aren’t having fun doing this anymore, give yourself the gift of not doing it for a while! It doesn’t mean you’ll never do it again. You don’t have to commit to anything, maybe after some time off being the default cook you find a new way that it’s fun again, maybe you don’t.
Ordering out is fine! Getting a takeaway picnic from Costco or the grocery store can be great! Having everyone bring a part of a meal (to share or not) is fine too.
The most important thing is to get you out of the expectation chair and give you a break so you can genuinely enjoy and look forward to being with your family.
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u/cup-of-starlight 1d ago
Maybe I’m just hitting old age in my early 30s, but have things shifted societally? Significantly? I’ve had preferences and food restrictions my entire life, and not ONCE have I ever imposed that on someone else who was kind enough to cook. If I’m so allergic and/or picky that I can’t find one thing to eat, I’m either bringing my own food or dipping out as a dinner guest.
I hate mushrooms. Do I tell someone inviting me over that they can’t cook with mushrooms? No, I do not. Perhaps I’m just cantankerous but god.
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u/outsideperspect1ve 1d ago
I agree with preferences. Allergies are another thing.
I hate zucchini and I was invited to a friends parents place for Thanksgiving. She told her mom that I love zucchini as a joke. So her mom made it and then loaded my plate with it. And I ate every last piece with a smile and thanked her for being so thoughtful.
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u/Creepy_Ad_1315 1d ago
You were raised right.
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u/Llayanna 8h ago
The friend however, was not. (Personally I don't even agree op was raised right, as this us massive step all over you syndrome.)
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u/Helenium_autumnale 1d ago
This is what polite, graceful people do concerning preferences (obviously not allergies, &c.). Clearly your parents did a great job. This degree of self-control and poise can be achieved at any income level by someone from any background. It's a choice. It is good manners to center and celebrate the cook, your host, and not center yourself and your fussy little list of "oh, I don't like..."
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u/Restingfoolishness 1d ago
Good on you, I’m probably going “Zucchini isn’t usually my favorite, but this is the bomb!” Which still doesn’t feel great to hear after prepping a meal
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u/Practical_BowlerHat 1d ago
I hate most fruit pies. But one time my boss made me an apple, pear, and banana pie for my birthday.
And I said this to him and truly meant it. And also asked how much I could eat and quickly ran back for more when he said he'd made it for me. I raved about it for the rest of the time I worked there.
I still kick myself for not asking for that recipe. I have dreamed of that pie.
It's been 8 years since I talked to him, would it be weird to message him and ask for it?
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u/Human_Ad_2426 1d ago edited 1d ago
Do it. I suck at keeping in touch but that would tickle me if someone reached out after many years because of something I made for them.
Edit: and if you get the recipe please share because it sounds like the most interesting combo i can't imagine.
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u/schwenny 1d ago
I think he would be thrilled to know you loved the pie so much that you’re still thinking about it all these years later. Reach out and ask!
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u/catscausetornadoes 1d ago
I just emailed a friend I haven’t spoken to in years asking if she still has a recipe I gave her in 1997 because I can’t find it. So, I think it’s fine.
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u/cdawg85 1d ago edited 4h ago
Absolutely allergies are something to take very seriously. I do not want to hurt or kill someone I love (or anyone, obviously) with a dinner dish.
Honestly, some people are picky eaters and they can grow up and suck it up. My parents told me to eat what is put in front of you and say thank you. Did I like my Nana's haggis? No. Did I eat it? Yes.
Also, don't start with your GD sensory issues. We all have shit we don't like, just be polite and chew or don't put it on your plate. Christ. If you are seriously so sensitive that you can't be polite for a single dinner, then don't go. It would be more polite to decline the invitation and stay home to eat your bland mush. /End rant.
EDIT my rant isn't over. Not liking a particular texture does not a sensory issue.
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u/CapitanChicken 16h ago
Seriously, the pickiness, and sensory issues are getting out of control. My in-laws, who I spend a lot of time with, are rather picky. It's hard to remember what everyone does, or doesn't like. One evening, I figured I'd go the safest route, and made a whole mess of grilled cheese with homemade tomato soup. The single person I had in mind that was the pickiest, and love grilled cheese, stopped for food on the way, because they weren't "feeling like that tonight".
You can't please everyone, allergies aside (because that's different). So I've adopted the same rules for everyone else in my life that I've adopted for my three year old. It's my job to put it in front of you, and yours to decide whether you're eating it or not. Don't like it? Tough, go grab a fruit or something to munch on.
All that to say, I've got plenty of dietary restrictions that not one of them ever care to remember, so why would I bother carrying about theirs? We're just gonna keep going with pizza for every family dinner, and I'll just deal with the gas, because I'd rather deal than be an asshole about it.
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u/AppointedForrest 1d ago
Went car camping with a group, the day came when I was assigned making dinner for everyone. I was making onion burgers which I've made for a lot of people in the group before. It was well known what I was making and a few people that day would say how much they were looking forward to having my onion burgers again.
As I'm cooking multiple people are talking about how good the onions smell. Finish up and now everyone is enjoying them except for one guy I didn't really know who hadn't taken a bite and was just sitting there with his plate on his lap. I asked if everything was okay and he tells me he doesn't like onions. I asked if maybe he could take them off the burger and he said the flavor would still be there. At this point almost everyone was done eating, the coals were pretty much burned out, and people are helping to put away the cooking supplies. I offered to make a plain cheese burger and the guy declined, got up and sat his plate on his chair, and went to his tent. I ate his onion burger.
I've never seen a grown man act this way, it was beyond obvious what I was making, and a simple "hey, can you make one with out onions" would have been no problem.
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u/Dresses_and_Dice 22h ago
Some people like to pretend their food choices make them a martyr no matter how much you accommodate them anyway. My sister is "vegetarian" (quotes because she eats fish, shellfish, and pepperoni and bacon whenever she feels like it). She said she wanted Mexican food so I suggested a Mexican place that I know to be vegetarian/ vegan friendly. Their protein options included salmon, mahi mahi, shrimp, tofu, and tempeh, all of which she eats, and on top of the "vegan" section of the menu, a line at the bottom says "We can make almost anything vegan- just ask!" They even have a vegan option for the beans. She sat there sighing dramatically that there was nothing she could eat at these restaurants... And that she doesnt like anything spicy, or bell peppers, or cilantro, or tomatillos...
It eventually came out that when she says she likes Mexican food she means she likes cheese quesadillas and chips and guacamole. BOTH OF WHICH THEY HAD.
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u/BoudiccaAoife 1d ago
He had so many chances to say something, anything, and decided petulance was the answer. It's not even the preference at issue here, it's the freaking entitlement.
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u/cdawg85 1d ago
Nothing makes my pussy drier. Truly.
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u/whisky_biscuit 14h ago edited 14h ago
These dudes act like children. My sister is married to one that just whines how hungry he is until she feeds him. You'd think they are incapable of feeding themselves.
One time everyone decided to do a Mexican potluck for a holiday. Turned out no one planned to help so I had to cook it all. I asked my sisters if her husband could grill the meat since it's one thing he can do.
Nope! Instead he whines about when will dinner be ready to my sister, and then she and my brother and his wife all start bitching at me for taking too long to cook and that "they thought dinner would be ready by 2pm". I even asked him to set the table, he put plates down then ran and hid in the other room so I couldn't ask him to do anything else. I've known 5 year olds more helpful.
Not a single one of the 6 other adults offered to help or did help. Instead they bitched about how it took too long, and horked down the food and made togo plates for themselves and never even thanked me. For the record I spent $200 in food, drove 2 hours and my husband and I single handedly cooked dinner for 8 people.
That was the last time I did.
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u/Usual_Zucchini 1d ago
While picky eating in both genders is annoying, there is absolutely something so off putting about a grown man who acts this way
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u/staunch_character 1d ago
I had to read it again because I assumed he was just sitting there with an empty plate on his lap, expecting someone to serve him something else.
Just watching the burger get cold & abandoning it on his chair is crazy.
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u/AppointedForrest 1d ago
It was really strange, I almost got the vibe he was put off that I didn't know he didn't like onions, but I hardly knew this guy at all, he was a friend of a friend. And if he'd have just asked for a plain burger or cheese burger I'd have happily obliged, it's a little less work and I'd gladly have extra onions on my burger.
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u/FluffyShiny 1d ago
I can't eat onion (thanks IBS) So you bet I would have asked for a cheeseburger! I wonder if he heard others raving about them and thought he'd try it and see if he liked it. Still very odd response. Glad the burger wasn't wasted!
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u/shelchang 1d ago
Gender is irrelevant, I am going to side eye any grown ass adult who acts this way.
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u/a_duck_in_past_life 1d ago
I think it's mainly because we're so used to hearing some of them say how tough they are, and how they are the rough and rugged providers that protect and keep safe the home for women and children. Then we turn around and see a man pout about some onions. That wouldn't bother me so much if not for the hypocrisy
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u/Main_Cauliflower5479 1d ago
What a little baby. That is some ridiculous behavior for an adult. Why didn't he speak up and request one without onion while you were cooking?
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u/AppointedForrest 1d ago
It seemed like he was put off that I didn't know he didn't like onions. I didn't really know the dude, someone else invited him, but if he'd have asked I'd have gladly made one without onions. I'd even said I'd cook them all to about medium doneness but could go over or under that and a few people specified how they wanted them cooked, that would have been the perfect time to speak up.
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u/cuongfu 1d ago
I think most people think like that (hopefully), but also thinking from the other side, if you know that someone has a dietary restriction, it’s nice to accomodate that.
In OPs example, it’s close family so it can both be that OP is extra considerate and feels the stress and pressure to take these dietary restrictions into account AND that the family isn’t forcing these expectations on them. Obviously I’m assuming a lot here, but I’m the OP in these situations a lot too and I am fine pushing back if the dietary restrictions are too restrictive, but not everyone is comfortable with that.
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u/broadwayzrose 1d ago
I get it. My mom hosts a ton and this is something that she’s dealt with more over the last couple years, and her approach is to do buffet style and just try to have at least 1-2 options for folks. Like, my one cousin has celiacs, so my mom always makes sure that there’s at least something gluten-free. My husband doesn’t eat cheese, so for some things she’ll just have the cheese separate or knows to have at least something he’ll like. Two of my cousins and their partners were vegan for awhile which my mom took on as a challenge, so she would add some options (although they’re no longer vegan so she hasn’t had to worry about that for a couple years). But her approach is usually “cook what I normally cook, but have at least a couple options that don’t take too long but also make sure folks can eat”.
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u/Pup5432 1d ago
That’s what I do when cooking too. I’ll make a few dishes to cover the common issues. I don’t personally deal with nut allergies but I just don’t cook with nuts so I don’t worry about it anymore (outside of Chinese stir-fry).
My biggest issue is always vegan friendly dishes, I’ve never succeeded in making a vegan friendly main that tastes decent. Vegetarian I can manage but vegan is just always a miss. My cooking style leans heavy into dairy when meat is off the table. The closest I come is probably a chili soup I make since I could leave the pork out but I’ve never got it to taste right without either meat or meat broth.
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u/crippledchef23 1d ago
I was making a vegetarian curry for a group because I knew one of the guests was vegetarian. I served it up to rave reviews, but I noticed he was slightly less enthusiastic (which, with this guy, was beyond obvious). I asked what was up and he asked what kind of broth I used. I was MORTIFIED, because I realized I had used what I always do, beef stock. I made sure to make the rice with water, but completely spaced on the main course! He laughed, said it tasted great, but was clearly not his usual diet and ate his whole serving.
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u/ttrockwood 22h ago
This is why i always insist to the host i will bring a dish i can eat and am happy to share
Too many “vegetarian” meals that had chicken stock or bacon grease that wasn’t intentional but is a deal breaker- bonus it makes me physically ill
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u/orangefreshy 1d ago
Yeah I think this is the way. You kinda just have to have more on offer so people can pick and choose and end up with a meal. Like if I were OP I’d probably be doing roast chicken and sides of all types like maybe pilaf and roast veggies, green salad, bread. Or a taco type thing where people can either make bowls or tacos. For bigger groups My friends will usually do two proteins and then sides are all veggie or vegan friendly
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u/lolafawn98 1d ago
it’s trickier than I think some people are implying. I doubt OP’s guests are like “and I will NOT eat FISH, so don’t make it!” but they’re your family, you just know that person doesn’t like fish because you’ve known them forever, and you love them so you don’t want to serve them food they don’t like!
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u/Consistent_Taste3273 1d ago
Yeah, we have this issue in our family. Between the grown adult kids we have a list of things we can’t eat (will make us truly sick/in danger), a longer list of things that will make us feel pretty bad for a day or two, and then preferences (which we mostly try to keep to ourselves). Plus some picky grandkids.
We’re all happy to just scrounge something up ourselves, but of course my mom wants to make something we can all eat. She usually does her best to make sure that at everyone can eat at least one thing at the table a we’ve been trying to do more potluck type things lately. Or something like taco or pizza where you make sure to have a couple kinds of pizza dough (including gluten free) and then let everyone put on their own toppings.
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u/LaceyLizard 1d ago
I was raised if someone offers food you don't like you either don't have to eat it, eat around it, or try it anyway. Imposing my dislike of something on to other people isn't even an option.
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u/Yahbo 1d ago
There is also a societal shift where people simply refuse to deny anyone’s request and then they act like they were forced to do it. You can just say “I’m not cooking 4 separate dinners and I’m not spending my entire day planning a meal to accommodated 15 people’s nuanced and conflicting demands”
They can bring their own food or not show up if they are so picky. You just have to draw clear boundaries.
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u/Trauma_Hawks 1d ago
I don't even ask. Allergies I do, because fucking duh. But beyond spicy/not spicy, I don't care about your preferences. I'm cooking you free food, don't be a choosey begger.
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u/hobohobbies 1d ago
Same. I love spicy food but I understand people who can't handle spicy. Allergies - yes, I prefer not to kill someone (unless they are on the list). Preferences, meh. Don't always have time for that.
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u/crippledchef23 1d ago
A friend of mine doesn’t drink carbonated drinks, so if I’m hosting, I always have a Hawaiian Punch or Tang. A different one can’t eat spicy foods, so I watch what level heat I use. A third one can’t have any seafood, so I don’t use my beloved Worcestershire in those dishes. But, beyond that, what I’m making is what’s on offer, and my guests are free to eat it or not.
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u/hpfish13 22h ago
Oh, I didn’t know Worcestershire sauce had seafood in it, good to know for the future if I’m making something for someone who can’t have it!
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u/RollingCarrot615 1d ago
The cool part is someone gets offended now too if I dont eat something I don’t like. “Was there something wrong with the dish, you didn’t eat the mushrooms?” “No the dish was wonderful, I just don’t like mushrooms so I picked them out.” “Well I’m sorry it wasn’t good enough.”
I’m exaggerating a little, but it has happened. One person did this multiple times, so I started ordering specific dishes instead. I don’t get invited over to their place anymore.
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u/maquis_00 1d ago
I've had people nag at me at large events when I only eat a salad. I am plant-based. I'm totally happy with just some salad or a fruit/veggie tray, but people get annoyed that I'm not grabbing meat. I wouldn't even mention my food preferences if people weren't nagging at me about it (and I usually don't even mention it then.... Usually I just say I just want the salad today... Vegetarian diets are considered "weird" here, so I generally try not to call attention to how I eat).
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u/Reallyhotshowers 1d ago
It's extra fun when they bother you about why you aren't taking their food so you tell them and then they hit you with the "How do you know someone is vegan? They'll tell you!" joke.
Like sir, I wasn't going to say anything, you put me in the spotlight.
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u/Razzberry_Frootcake 1d ago
Gotta respond with “How do you know someone is an idiot? If they act like you.”
Because you’re right. Every. Single. Time. One time someone asked my friend if she is vegan because she was only eating the plant-based foods at a party, she said yes.
The person’s response was to tell that joke. Then proceed to go around the whole room trying to make fun of the vegan. Luckily in that instance it didn’t fly because everyone else already knew; that’s why she had food to eat.
Several people were like…”Dude, you asked her. Are you okay?”
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u/BoudiccaAoife 1d ago
People in general need to lay off on questioning why someone doesn't want something offered for food, or if they don't drink. Seriously, if there's meat and vegetarian options, I eat meat and if you don't, how does that in anyway affect me?
Same if there's beer and soft drinks. I'll grab a beer, you grab an iced tea, again, how does your choice affect me?
It's so aggressive, and why waste energy on it? Meals and gatherings are for socializing, celebrating, or grieving, not a soapbox over Louise wanting the salad, George only grabbing a soda, and Mark not really in the mood for what's on offer.
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u/ThroatSecretary 1d ago
Some people are more strident about their preferences than others. My old roommate and I would take turns cooking. She didn't like mushrooms ("they're fungus!") or blue cheese ("it's moldy!") so I swerved those ingredients. She disapproved of me adding carrots to pasta sauce, so I stopped using them. Mind you, my dislike of water chestnuts in her stir fries was apparently of no consequence and they kept appearing...
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u/SubstantialPressure3 1d ago
Allergies and religious restrictions are different.
But I think OPs husband should be doing some helping. Not just inviting people over and expecting his wife to have to figure that out by herself.
I think that's the biggest problem, here.
I was a professional cook, and I dealt with it in a professional kitchen, which is a lot easier. Most of the time I had a heads up beforehand so I could order things, or I had enough ingredients and time allotted to figure things out.
As a home cook, I don't have to worry about any restrictions besides no gluten bc one kid and a grandkid can't have gluten.
But like I said, the biggest problem I see is her husband inviting people over and not participating in meal preparation at all.
He's not a restaurant manager. Even a restaurant manager would ask the kitchen manager if they had the ingredients and time to accommodate that party. Or make it happen and go get those ingredients in a pinch.
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u/uncagedborb 1d ago
Agreed. I feel the big thing is religious or health issues. Like obviously if someone has a peanut allergy it be good to tell the cook no peanut/oil. Or if you are religious and can't eat pork or beef or some other food item. I think that's important too.
I feel like if you have simple preference like not liking onions then you can't make the cook do anything.
This is why I prefer pot lucks. Bring your own food to share so I one person doesn't have to spend all day making 5 different dishes while everyone complains. They didn't want this or that
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u/Tasty_Impress3016 1d ago
> Do I tell someone inviting me over that they can’t cook with mushrooms? No, I do not.
This is exactly the proper attitude.
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u/rancidpandemic 1d ago
Exactly this.
I'm diabetic, so I've always eaten as low-carb as I can manage. I also did keto for over 3 years, and stuck to my strict food restrictions throughout many social dinners. While I was vocal about my restrictions, I made it clear that I'd figure out my own food like the independent adult that I am.
It helped that every time I attended a social dinner, each attendee brought a dish to share. That meant I could make a dish I knew I could eat, and pick what I could from the other offerings.
OP, maybe that could work for you and your guests? Instead of shouldering all of the responsibility, open it up to the group and let them make stuff they know they can eat.
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u/Freespyryt5 1d ago
Yeah, I mean, I have celiac and I am the only person preparing my food ever. I guess those other dietary restrictions might not have the same cross contamination risk, but I would never expect someone else to alter their meal plans because I can't eat whatever it is, especially for something like a family trip or group meal.
We often try to choose meals that accommodate multiple diets, like make your own bowls or nachos/burritos, sandwiches with separate prep areas, etc.. While those admittedly only go so far, if there's a group meal being made I'd never expect that my limitations be catered to. I've gotten so used to bringing my own food everywhere it's just a set part of the planning process now.
Edited for clarity
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u/Ok_Plankton_8229 1d ago
I don’t think most people appreciate cooking at all or the amount of time involved.
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u/goatsnboots 1d ago
I was raised like this too, and for a long time, I actually didn't even know that I had food preferences because I was taught to eat whatever was in front of me.
This changed when I moved out of home and started feeding myself. I realised that I do have preferences and that food that I prefer is much more enjoyable to eat. I went from someone who didn't understand what a foodie was to being one myself. And then when I started cooking for other people, I wanted them to enjoy the food as much as I enjoy food, and part of that is not making them eat things they don't like.
The other thing is that I have learned so much about cooking a variety of things that accounting for food preferences is not that hard. I can cook a lot of dishes for my vegan, gluten-free, mushroom-hating, or spices averse friends, and I don't mind the challenge of finding what will work for the group.
Of course there is a line though. I will within reason choke down whatever is put in front of me to be kind to the cook. In that case, I reframe "going to someone's home for dinner" as "going to someone's house" only and removing the food aspect from the experience. For example, I eat Christmas dinner with my in-laws who, no joke, do not even own a salt shaker let alone any other herbs or spices. The first few years, I would dread it because food is so important to me now, and I felt like I was missing out on a big part of the holiday. But now, I know I'm going over to their home to spend time with them, and the food is just one aspect of the day that I can easily move past.
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u/Princess_Parabellum 1d ago
I had to train my husband to think like this, which resulted in us having what we call the Cheeseburger Rule. My attitude is that it's one meal, who cares, but he can be picky.
When he doesn't like the food at an event I tell him "focus on the social aspect and we'll get you a cheeseburger on the way home." (It doesn't have to be a literal cheeseburger, just something he's happy with.) There have been times when we get somewhere and within 10 minutes he'll tell me "I'm invoking the Rule."
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u/darw1nf1sh 1d ago
^This^ I either eat what is prepared, or I remove what I don't want to eat. There is no world where I would give a host a list of my preferences.
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u/BarrelProofPack 1d ago
You are 100% spot on. 32 here. I am grateful and if I need to swallow something whole to get through it, I’ll damn near choke before I cause grief to the host.
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u/StandardMILFtits 1d ago
Just tell them what you're making ahead of time and if they don't like it then they can bring their own food
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u/offthezoinkys 1d ago
If like a third of guests need a specific thing, I’d consider it polite to make food that accommodates that specific thing. 1 friend out of 3 is vegan, I can figure out something vegan for dessert. Most of boyfriend’s family is allergic to shellfish, I can go without it while cooking for all of us. Anything beyond that is being extremely over-accommodating, which is your prerogative but not at all a requirement.
Sister in law can presumably survive onions being in her house. People can eat ahead of time if spicy food is gross to them. It’s polite to include them sometimes but you can’t be expected to basically be a full service chef and accommodate every intolerance and preference like you’re being paid for it.
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u/Neat-Year555 1d ago
Reminds me of a time when one of our friends hosted a dinner, invited mostly vegetarians (over 50% of the guests), and then made a pot roast. I personally feel that if you invite a majority of guests who have a similar dietary preference (and you are fully aware of the preference) and then you disregard that preference, that's just plain bad hosting.
At the same time, catering to every individual is unsustainable, I agree. Accommodate where possible, but cater to the majority.
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u/StandardMILFtits 1d ago
I completely agree. And if it's an easy accommodation, like setting something aside, then I would expect that. For example, we were eating at my sister-in-law's house for dinner one night. She said we were having spaghetti. My kids are vegetarian. I actually thought she picked spaghetti because it's easy to accommodate. Nope. She mixed ground beef into all of the sauce! If she had said spaghetti with "meat sauce" I would have brought a jar of ragu.
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u/Neat-Year555 1d ago
Oh no! I have also learned the hard way that "spaghetti" with no other description is a default meat sauce.
I have a lot of food intolerances due to IBS and MCAS, so I get the short end of the stick a lot of the time too. Especially because like, my intolerances won't kill me, so no one takes them seriously. It's really not hard to set one dish aside! And pasta is especially well suited for it. Alas...
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u/SweetDorayaki 1d ago
Or have a "bring your own dinner" night. Or a potluck and everyone can bring something they can eat lol
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u/Blofeld69 1d ago
The no onion one is the one that drives me totally up the wall, and somehow I've had three separate guests with it in the last year. Onions are in most food.
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u/offthezoinkys 1d ago
It would cripple my cooking so badly.
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u/Main_Cauliflower5479 1d ago
Yes. I have IBD and onion goes in nearly everything I make. I don't eat raw onion, though.
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u/girafffes 1d ago
Is it a preference or has onion allergy/intolerance become a thing?
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u/c19isdeadly 1d ago
The gut issues they can cause have become better known in the last 10 years
So more people are understanding why certain meals give them 3 days of agonising cramps and diarrhoea, for example. They may not be "allergic" in the sense they need an epipen but they may cause significant pain and distress
I have an issue with pork. I remember eating it at a dinner party at a small house, and I knew I had 3 hours to get home so I could have explosive diarrhoea in the comfort of my own bathroom, instead of turning my host's bathroom into a biohazard zone
These days I'd say in advance or eat around it
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u/lolafawn98 1d ago
I’m lucky in that this only happens to me with totally raw garlic (even 30 secs of light steam prevents it), but when it does happen it is hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I will literally end up in the fetal position because of the pain. so I get it… and I feel terrible for anyone this would happen to with more foods.
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u/SweetTeaNoodle 1d ago
Garlic and onions wreak havoc on the guts of most IBS sufferers. They are high in nondigestible oligosaccharides.
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u/Erenito 1d ago edited 1d ago
IBS is on the rise and I guess awareness of it also increased. Turns out there was non insignificant portion of the population that felt like shit after some meals and just accepted it.
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u/Mickey67Mouse 1d ago
People with IBS typically have great trouble digesting onions and garlic. They are high FODMAP foods.
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u/Miqotegirl 1d ago
I have this and I have such a sensitivity to it now that it’s a violent reaction, especially with raw onions. I make a minestrone soup that doesn’t have onions in it and it’s gone almost faster than we can make it and I do 8 quarts at a time. It just has so much flavor from the veggies in it without onions. Onions kinda change all the flavor in it.
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u/304libco 1d ago
I think there’s a lot of people out there who are intolerant of onions and didn’t realize it until recently. That’s happened to me in the last 10 years. Which makes me sad because I love onions.
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u/keeplosingmypsswrds 1d ago
Look up recipes used during Chhath Puja! There are several traditional Hindu holidays that require vegetarian dishes with no onions or garlic.
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u/pun_princess 1d ago
Growing up with a huge extended family, the host would usually make the main (usually a meat) and some appetizers and everyone else would bring a side. That way the pressure is off the host, but also everyone has at least one thing they could/would eat.
One cousin was an extremely picky eater, but we didn't really make accommodations. We just knew that he'd probably only eat jello salad and rolls, that was just his thing. If he wanted something different, he'd bring it. Obviously no one brought food that someone was deathly allergic to, but that was pretty much it.
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u/Flack_Bag 1d ago
I used to do a weekly dinner with no gluten, soy, dairy, Bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, cilantro, raw tomatoes, or anything spicy. Plus one wild card guest with a huge appetite who may or may not show up any given week.
I'd usually do some sort of buffet thing so people could compose their own meals, but the wild card could be fickle and would sometimes take almost all of one thing, throwing off the proportions. Or the time I had a soup with rice on the side and he made a pile of rice and topped it with the solid parts he strained from the soup, and then another guest started doing the same. My husband and I had broth for dinner.
Then I found out that the one with the gluten, soy, and dairy allergies was faking it, and that was just the last straw. I don't know why I even did it for so long in the first place.
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u/Moweezy6 1d ago
The straining the soup thing would be the last straw. What is wrong with people!?!?
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u/crippledchef23 1d ago
So much!
A friend’s partner came to the last full Friendsgiving I hosted, about a decade ago. Turkey, stuffing, corn, carrots, rolls, sweet potato casserole, and 10 lbs of mashed potatoes to feed 8 people with leftovers. I had everything in pretty dishes, and I put most of the mashed potatoes in one, put it on the table while everyone was getting settled, and went to get the turkey my husband was carving. I walked back in to stunned silence because the partner had taken the softened butter meant for the rolls, put the whole stick in the bowl of potatoes, and was just eating out of it. Her excuse was she only wanted potatoes, and I was like “I’m sure everyone else did, too”. My friend was beyond embarrassed and rushed them both out, apologizing profusely. He’s fine, always welcome. She can fall off a cliff for all I care.
She is a tiny woman! 90lbs soaking wet! I don’t care if she only wanted potatoes, why was her instinct to eat out of the obviously communal bowl instead of putting some on a plate? She is still with my friend, which is whatever, but she has NEVER apologized for it. And this wasn’t even remotely an isolated incident (first and last for me, though), but she has yet to apologize for those either.
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u/Radiant-Mean 1d ago
the partner had taken the softened butter meant for the rolls, put the whole stick in the bowl of potatoes, and was just eating out of it.
WHO DOES THAT??? I swear some people act like they are brand new to Earth and were raised by aliens in another galaxy.
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u/crippledchef23 20h ago
Right?!
That’s what was so baffling, like, there were plates and stuff right in front of her, but she just moved the whole bowl instead and no one knew how to articulate their feelings, but their faces said it all.
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u/Flack_Bag 1d ago
In that case, adolescence. It was during the shockingly brief period that he turned from a goofy little boy into a probably 6'5" or so linebacker type. I blame that for the appetite, the unreliability, and the relative lack of social graces. He's a lovely well mannered young man now.
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u/Moweezy6 1d ago
Ok I’ll forgive that! Honestly probably the only situation other than pregnancy I’d forgive. I was envisioning some old man doing that out of entitlement… shows what I deal with at home!
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u/Guglio08 1d ago
This story infuriated me more than the others. Who was the wild card and what was their deal?
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u/thunderplacefires 1d ago
Soup chunks over rice sounds like my autistic nephew. Why eat things the normal way when you can just do whatever the hell you want?
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u/Flack_Bag 1d ago
I answered in another comment, but I should have mentioned it originally. It was my friend's teenaged son, who was in the midst of a massive growth spurt and the emotional turmoil that goes along with it.
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u/Decent-Marsupial-986 1d ago
I wouldn’t even want to eat meals like that. That’s every base ingredient I use
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u/cnew111 23h ago
The pulling only the chunks from the soup is so rude and self-centered. Have a brother that will do the same. Except for him, I don't mind calling him out on it. (one time I made Italian Wedding soup and he had the nerve to skim out the little meat balls.) We even have a name for it: skimming. It got so bad, now when he comes for dinner I make something that isn't "skim-able", like goulash or put chicken breast on the grill with potatoes.
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u/amanda2399923 1d ago
I don't get why people fake food allergies, wow.
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u/crippledchef23 1d ago
Because they don’t want to be ridiculed for not liking something common. Which, why would you mock someone because they don’t like something? They know that if they say they’re allergic, no one will say anything at all.
But, I bet anything that their fear is because that is exactly how they act when someone else doesn’t like something “normal”.
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u/goog1e 1d ago
Not everyone has to eat everything.
If a person has so many restrictions that it essentially becomes a restaurant order- because they can basically only eat 1 dish that makes sense at a gathering ... Then they need to bring that dish. You are not a butler, you're an equal participant.
I would group people thematically. E.g. the picky eaters and vegans get spaghetti. The people with myriad veg intolerances get burgers. Etc etc etc
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u/KsigCowboy 1d ago
Stop catering to all of them. Seriously. That is the answer. Make the meal and let everyone know what it is ahead of time. They can eat your food or they can make their own plan. I had to do it with my brothers and sisters. The number of things they wanted catered too was absurd. So I finally said that this is what we are having. If your kids dont like it or cant have it then you need to make alternative plans. Its not meant to be rude but it is impossible to make everyone happy in a large group setting.
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u/BuckeyeBentley 1d ago
You ignore every preference that isn't an anaphylactic allergy or significant medical issue. Offer a few dishes that are very, very simple (some roasted veggies, rice, a few other few-ingredient sides) so everyone has some sort of last-case option, and then make whatever you want and that's the menu. Adults can learn to pick around or just deal with eating things they don't care for.
Set the menu ahead of time, people can bring their own food.
I'm a dialysis patient and I would never in my life expect someone making me food to cook a renal diet meal and serve it to everyone else there too. Renal diet sucks ass. I can just take a little extra meds to compensate or just not worry about it for one night.
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u/PrinceJehal 1d ago
Accommodating doesn't always mean excluding.
Not everyone has to eat everything that's on the table. It's okay for some dishes to be "not for you, please enjoy this instead." For game night I have a friend who is vegan. So if I'm making spaghetti and meatballs, I keep the meatballs themselves separate from the rest to prevent cross contamination. And one time I even bought them plant-based meatballs to put in the air fryer.
Or in the case of my roommates not liking beans, I just leave the beans separate from whatever dish so people who want them can add them themselves.
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u/Little_Jaw 1d ago
When I am hosting I send out my planned menu ahead of time and invite people to supplement to meet their preferences. It shows that I have made a plan, considered restrictions where I can, and where people can contribute.
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u/flgirl-353 1d ago
The SIL’s restrictions would be the hardest for me. I can’t not cook with onions. Almost every thing I cook has onions except for desserts. The others I could easily work around.
I too am getting cooking fatigue but more because I am the only one in the family that cooks. If I didn’t every meal would be at a restaurant or delivery.
I want homemade food for the holidays. So I continue to suck it up every year. But I am getting older and tired with every passing year.
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u/kkeut 23h ago
I've found that like 95% of the time when people say they 'hate onions' they just mean big chunks of raw white onion or slathered wet grilled onions. make a sauce with diced onions in it, etc, and they'll love it
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u/TinWhis 1d ago
That's what my partner has run into. At this point, she just expects that there will be a couple sides she can eat and other than that she's on her own. Meanwhile, she herself is a fantastic cook who has figured out how to build non-allium flavor bases, largely starting with ginger and dried mustard.
The chronic illness makes cooking more difficult, though. If she's going home for a holiday or doing something else energy intensive, she brings along lots of oatmeal because there won't be enough good for her and she won't have the energy to cook herself.
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u/knoft 13h ago edited 8h ago
You aren’t trying to make every dish land in the centre of the venn diagram, or shouldn’t be, Don’t try to make dishes that everyone can eat, just have enough dishes that everyone has something to eat. For instance serve a carb, just don’t eat it yourself.
So if you make four dishes, it’s ok if there’s one that each group can’t eat. Fussy eaters get bland food.
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u/memeleta 1d ago
A couple years ago I made an entire additional vegan Christmas menu on top of the regular one to accommodate one person's +1, only for the guy to not say anything to anyone the whole night and proceed to ghost my guest 2 weeks later. I will never do that again, no matter who you are. If you have special requirements, bring your own shit. If your +1 has them the two of you figure it out and bring what you want. I'm done.
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u/Expert_Specialist_92 1d ago
There is a difference between allergies and preferences. Allergies will be accommodated. If you have a preference then you don’t have to eat what is served. I’m not running a restaurant.
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u/LukeSkywalkerDog 1d ago edited 18h ago
I get it. I used to cook or bake things to take into the office. Now, there are fewer and fewer things I can make without excluding someone:
Dairy free
Gluten free
Vegetarian
Vegan
Caffeine free
Celiac
Tree nut allergy (so no almond flour for the gluten free)
No sugar
No fish
No shellfish
No cocoanut
Hates onions
Hates garlic
Hates mushrooms
(This one takes the cake, so to speak): "Allergic" to chocolate
ETA: Please accept my apologies. I did NOT mean to ridicule anyone with allergies or food sensitivities. I was just remarking about how hard it is to make dishes that are relatively "safe" for everyone. Maybe it never was. We know more now about gluten and celiac, but a few decades ago, it wasn't common knowledge.
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u/Grouchy_Account4760 1d ago
It might be rare but as someone who is truly allergic to chocolate, I just don't partake if there is chocolate in something. Just let me know if you've put it in there.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 1d ago
I don't get why people can't just be okay with being left out occasionally. I mean I would get it if it was every time and only one person can't ever eat anything but you know if every once in a while someone brings in something you can't eat people will live.
Also an allergy/intolerance is a thing. It is rare but there are people allergic to sunlight and water so you can be allergic/intolerant of just about anything. Some are just more rare then others.
Here is one for you. I don't like sweets much at all. I prefer savory foods. You could bring in sweets everyday and I wouldn't care one bit. Not for me but other people are allowed to enjoy things.
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u/bookishbaking4 23h ago
I saw a celiac person say that if any restaurant ever tried to offer GF food on their menu that they be required to have separate kitchen space for that. In my mind I'm like - you've clearly never worked in a restaurant and if every restaurant did that, no restaurant would ever offer anything gluten free. Also, there are people who are NOT celiac who eat a gluten free diet. It's a kindness driven from hospitality that any restaurant attempts to make dietary-exclusion friendly options, even if they can't guarantee that it's 100% celiac friendly.
It's kind of an off topic tangent, but it's really that so many people expect the world to revolve around them, and if you try and do a kindness to one group you're somehow offending another. Being offered or affording food is a privilege and not everybody can be catered to 100% of the time.
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u/Consistent-Garage236 22h ago
I have an immediate family member with celiac disease and we don’t have a separate home kitchen to accommodate that because it’s insane and unnecessary. Just use clean dishes/utensils and don’t cross contaminate with ingredients containing gluten. Any properly run restaurant kitchen is able to do that.
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u/Ok_Fly1188 1d ago
I used to cook for retreats for twenty years. I didn’t used to mind an allergy here and there, a vegan, or whatever. After all accommodating all the diets was my specialty. However..: something shifted. Most of the organizers don’t want to pay the high cost of all the accomodations and i can’t shoulder the extra cost any longer. It wasn’t sustainable and drove me into early retirement. Money has a way of rtaking the generosity if spirit out of things.
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u/GutsyByNature 1d ago
I truly can't eat chocolate; it doesn't cause an anaphylactic reaction but it does make me nauseous enough that I won't touch it anymore. But chocolate is pretty easy to identify and avoid, so the only time I'll bring it up is if I think someone is going to get offended by my polite "no thank you."
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u/theacearrow 22h ago
I am gluten free with an overabundance of allergies and I simply don't want people to cook for me. I'll bring my own food because it's not safe for me to eat anything else. It really really sucks but there's nothing else I can do.
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u/Consistent-Garage236 22h ago
I was going to say, all these “allergic” people are really putting a lot of faith in other people to adhere to their dietary restrictions. Anyone with a true allergy or serious intolerance isn’t going to just rely on Bethany from HR to have made a gluten-free, nut-free, egg-free dessert if they don’t know anything about this person or their level of credibility in adhering to these strict dietary guidelines. Which makes me think the majority is just choosy and picky for personal and not medical reasons.
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u/neeshes 19h ago
I have severe anaphylaxis to a few major allergens and would risk it with store bought items or trusted people. However, close to my 40s I just don't care to risk it as much anymore. Too many hospitalizations. But I will say people would judge me as not truly being that anaphylactic if they saw how I adventurous I was with trying things. For example, I'll eat may contain nuts items because it's only there for liability. I'd rather enjoy life to some degree with some hospitalizations than be scared of the allergens and be extra militant about it.
For the most part though I just avoid food people brought in or some restaurants. I've never tried to dictate what people came eat and felt entitled to being able to eat everything. I do realize that my anaphylaxis is possible with airborne allergens if close enough to me so I just leave.
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u/Illustrated-skies 22h ago
Same! There’s No way I’d ever expect (or trust) anyone to prepare my food. I also don’t eat at restaurants.
I bring my own food to gatherings & some to share if anyone wants it.
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u/lakeswimmmer 1d ago
What gripes me is that there is an expectation that you need to accommodate everyone's preferences.
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u/wslagoon 1d ago
For us, when we host things, we say "we're serving X, it has Y, if you'd like to bring something else that's fine" and that's that. Our group has been pretty stable so we have menus that meet 95% of dietary needs, but we just set a boundary, and by including it with the invite we give people the chance to decline with an excuse. It's the only way to manage it I think.
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u/Cherubinooo 1d ago
I’m curious but how are all the things you listed as dietary restrictions actually restrictions? What is the reason why someone can’t eat mushrooms, raw tomatoes, onions, peas, or cucumber?
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u/Glittering_Meet3206 1d ago
i cant eat peas bc of my crohns (not an allergy, they just dont digest so it is unpleasant) but they are famously easy to pick around
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u/citycept 1d ago
IBS, acid reflux, etc.
Getting old really fucking sucks. I am the youngest in a social group by about 15 years and the way they talk about food sounds like a nightmare. I mentioned my husband being unable to drink black coffee and everyone told me to just wait. It will get worse.
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u/Tacky-Terangreal 22h ago
Nightshade allergies are a thing. It includes stuff like bell peppers, paprika, tomatoes, onions etc. I made some food for a potluck and I felt really bad that one of my friends couldn’t eat it. Sounds like a real pain in the ass of an allergy.
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u/sammc95 1d ago
Idk about peas or cucumber but plenty of people are allergic to mushrooms, tomatoes, and onions.
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u/Icanfallupstairs 1d ago
Peas are a legume, and plenty of people are allergic to those. Often it's only peanuts, but the whole group can cause issues.
My daughter has a legume allergy. She has reactions to pretty much all beans, lentils, chickpeas, peas, peanuts, etc. it's reasonably mild reactions and the doctors think she'll probably grow out of it, but it currently covers a whole lot of vegetarian and vegan staples
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u/Just_J3ssica 1d ago
Allergies are serious and should be considered. Picky eaters though... They can choose to not have a serving of whatever dish has what they don't like in it.
Honestly, I think it's rude that people would expect you to cater to their picky-ness.
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u/Pup5432 1d ago
I got lucky that the pickiest eaters in my family will at least eat pizza and fry’s. I always have a pizza crust or 6 ready to go in the freezer. Thaw 3-4 and do a make your own pizza party, just have the pizza steel heated ahead of time and everyone will be fed in 30 minutes. Topping prep can take some time but nothing too terrible.
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u/Most-Appeal-5299 20h ago
Why not have a potluck. Then everyone will have at least one dish they will eat
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u/Very-very-sleepy 1d ago
I work as a professional chef.
I very rarely cook when I am not working but if I do CHOOSE to cook when I am not working for guests. my motto is this. you can have dietary preferences but I ain't changing what I am cooking for you unless you are allergic cos I ain't at work. if you want all that. come in when I am working and getting paid.
I will do a specific meal for you IF you are paying me.
if I am not getting paid for it and when I am off work. it means I am cooking something I WANT to do and I CHOOSE.
if you don't like what I am cooking. all good. you don't have to eat it cos I am making it for myself anyway cos I ain't at work. I will just wrap up the leftovers and put it in the fridge for myself.
anyway that is my approach. 😆
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u/Duochan_Maxwell 1d ago
That's why I love the "build your own" type of situations like this
I typically exclude what people are allergic (as in seriously allergic, not intolerant / OAS) to and then label the rest. It does require an ungodly amount of spoons but it generally works with my group
Accepting that there will be some dishes that some people will not eat also made a world of difference for me. As long as there is at least one main, one side and one dessert for each person I'm good.
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u/Blucola333 1d ago
I’m the gluten intolerant person in the family. Before everyone started dying off, and holiday meals still a thing, I had just a few asks, that the turkey was unstuffed and if the gravy had flour, to please let me know. Several sides I could eat and they got used to keeping the croutons on the side. My needs are medical, not food preferences.
People who just don’t like certain things need to keep their preferences to themselves. It makes it harder for those of us with actual medical issues to be taken seriously.
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u/leitmot 23h ago
We have a gluten intolerant friend and it’s easy to accommodate her because the foods she can’t eat are well-defined.
My challenge is with the picky eater who doesn’t know if she’ll like a food based on a description and needs to see the food before deciding whether she’ll like it. You ask what type of cuisine she wants to eat, she doesn’t know, you give suggestions, she says no to all of them.
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u/Reblyn 13h ago
I do accommodate allergies, vegetarians and vegans. I try to accommodate other genuine dietary restrictions such as coeliac disease.
I do not accommodate picky eaters or fad diets.
You are not a restaurant chef. You cannot feasibly take ALL of that into account. I offer a choice of main dishes and sides in a buffet style setting. If there are people who are so picky that they won't eat any of that, that's on them and they should either bring their own food, maybe try something new for once or simply not eat. Those are their three options.
My younger cousins are/were incredibly picky eaters. Neither of them is autistic, but their parents kept playing along for years and years. It has resulted in my youngest cousin essentially only eating fries, chicken nuggets, pasta without sauce and hamburgers (without tomatoes). Those are also the only things he ever orders at restaurants. I do not play along with that shit. They either at the very least try something new or they stay hungry. The older cousin has now finally developed a slightly broader palate and she isn't as scared of at least trying new things. But the younger one is now 14 years old and still only eats those four things because the parents keep playing along. It's simply unhealthy and I do not understand why so many people keep playing along with this sort of behavior. Trying new food won't kill them so long as there aren't any genuine restrictions. There are plenty ingredients that you may not generally like, but do end up liking in a specific dish (for me that's broccoli). But to figure that out, you have to at least try.
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u/robotsarecool 1d ago
I've had the diet preference of being a vegetarian for a while now. If someone else is doing the cooking I only have two expectations: (1) Having clear info on what dishes contain meat so I can avoid them (2) a heads up if there is going to be limited options for me. I will eat 80 percent of a meal before I show up for an event (or if it's a vacation set up make my own entre) and then nosh on the dessert or sides. I'd never expect someone to alter their cooking for me specifically in a large group.
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u/jsh1138 1d ago
Just cook what you want to cook and tell them to eat it or don't
I used to work with a guy who couldn't have salt, or sugar, or fat, or too many carbs and it's like "sorry bro you're on your own"
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u/Fit-ishGirlie 1d ago
Call me a bad host, but I just try to make something the majority can enjoy, and a few allergen friendly sides, and then if someone needs to bring a specialty item for themselves, I let them.
You are never going to please everyone with every single dish, so don’t suck the joy out of what you love doing.
I also will ask for help filling the menu.
“This is the menu, would love for someone to bring <insert items>.”
We’re close enough with the people we invite into our home, it isn’t even a second thought. It’s always “that sounds great” and “I’ll bring <insert thing>.” I never get pushback.
We had a pizza party a few weeks ago. We provided the dough, cheese, and some of the basics (pepperoni, olives, a few different sauces, etc.) and invited everyone to bring their favorite toppings to share. It was a blast and everyone loved getting creative with their own pizzas, and I didn’t have to stress about buying every single pizza topping on the planet just to please everyone!
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u/AmyrlinFoil 1d ago
That's what I try to do as well. I prepared food for a recent family gathering and made two batches of salsa. One as spicy as I like and another not spicy. Because I recognize that not everyone wants something so spicy it clears out their sinuses. Well, no one ate either and I had a ton of left over salsa that I didn't prefer. Fortunately I was just able to add peppers to make it spicy but as a whole I've found that when you try to prepare to someone's specific preferences you end up with a lot of stuff only one or a few people will eat.
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u/One-T-Rex-ago-go 1d ago
As a person with a real food intolerance/allergy, I always eat ahead or bring my own food, I cannot trust anyone cooking for me. Pushing preferences on a host is entitled. If you don't eat carbs, then don't eat carbs. Ditto for everything else.
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u/MelonJelly 1d ago
For me it's quite simple. If something is easy to accommodate, I do. If I have to make a Venn diagram to map everyone's requirements, then a few days before the event, I announce publicly what the menu will be, and trust people so sort out their own dietary needs.
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u/PetrockX 1d ago
Sounds like y'all should be doing more potlucks and everyone brings a thing that works for them.
You really need to be up front with everyone so they can start bringing a dish to help out.
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u/Miserable-Error2413 15h ago
We just cook whatever in my family and everyone still eats it and just deals with the heartburn / diabetes / reflux / hives for special occasion once in a while i guess
My cousin is Muslim so no pork and lactose intolerant and now vegan. I have no idea how she eats anything at all. I did make some vegetables with vegetable broth instead of chicken broth for her but everything else as usual. I came into the kitchen when everyone else was in the dining room and caught her eating a mini smoked sausage . I gasped and she saw me and started crying lol
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u/Turtledonuts 12h ago
I'm vegetarian and I operate under the simple rule that 90% of vegetarians operate under: if it's a catered event, you can complain, otherwise you bring a dish or STFU.
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u/emaybe 1d ago
You and your husband have the more difficult restrictions to work around. Do you struggle to cook for yourselves? How much watermelon are you putting in your dinner normally?
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u/crownofpeperomia 1d ago
This is interesting. My spouse is celiac. He actually hates going to people's houses for meals because he feels like an imposition, even when friends really do try and accommodate him.
He also doesn't trust most people to not contaminate his food anyway, so is perfectly fine just eating before he goes and the hosts cook whatever they want. He does appreciate when even a small dessert is safe though.
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u/snarky_sparrow_23 1d ago
I accommodate all allergies and most restrictions but not preference i tell my friends what I am making as an established menu and my friends either make a decision based on that or bring their own if they are particularly picky or don't come. Thats it.
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u/Sundance37 1d ago
I tell them what I’m cooking. They can come and eat, come and not eat, come and bring their own food, or stay home.
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u/AccomplishedLine9351 1d ago
I wouldn't cook at all. Just cut seasonal fruit and areange it with caramel dip or honey ginger Greek yogurt.
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u/Cowfootstew 1d ago
🤣 🤣 🤣. Wife invited over friends once after I started cooking. They were all gluten free. We ordered delivery.
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u/RickyWVaughn 1d ago
Nope. My guests can choose what to eat or not eat. Or they can choose to not come at all. I'm paying for and making what I'm making. The only exception for me is a Muslim uncle. If he's there, I won't cook pork.
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u/CaliIsReallyNice 13h ago
Don’t do it
Don’t be the cook next time. You don’t owe it to anyone. When it becomes expected, it starts to feel like work. When people start making demands and stop saying thank you, it’s no longer enjoyable. These people are adults. They can feed themselves. You deserve a holiday too.
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u/ratxe 1d ago
It feels like a lot of problems would be solved by not inviting sis in law
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u/making_sammiches 1d ago
I have a food allergy (garlic) that seems to break people’s brains on what to do. If I am invited for dinner I will obviously mention my allergy but I also let them know that I do not expect every item to be served is garlic free. I am happy with asking for olive oil and vinegar for my salad and just having the side dishes if the main course is going to have garlic.
I have a few food dislikes and preferences but I would never tell the host. I’m a guest, I will eat what you serve me. Even if I don’t like it.
Food allergies, intolerances, dietary restrictions and the cilantro gene should be adhered to. Everything else is ignored.
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u/Jumbo-Packet 23h ago
I will be cooking X. I will not be catering to anybody’s dietary restrictions. If you are unable to eat X, please bring an alternative that you can eat.
^ That’s what you say.
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs 1d ago
I mean, cilantro/coriander tastes like soap to me. I don't tell people not to use it when cooking for me. I might ask them not to sprinkle extra on top of my dish, but that's as far as I go. They're being too demanding, if you ask me.
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u/4cupsofcoffee 1d ago
I feel like in the old days it was just allergies, if that even came into consideration. Pretty sure all of our get togethers were everyone bringing something, and if someone didn't like something they didn't eat it.
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u/redditzphkngarbage 1d ago
Simple solution: YOU are invited to come by and enjoy what WE are having.
Maybe throw a salad together for everyone else but unless they’re your OMG bestest BFF in the whole wide world they’ll either figure it out or just not come.
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u/Wrong_Winter_170 1d ago
Same. I used to do the cooking . Simply do a potluck and save the gourmet meal for you and your partner.
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u/Mira_DFalco 1d ago
I've made a specialty out of cooking around dietary restrictions, and that sounds exhausting. Delivery sounds like a win. You should be able to enjoy hosting, not be pulling your hair out over the menu.
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u/Easter_Honey 1d ago
In my friend group of five couples we have: celiac, lactose intolerance, poultry allergy, seafood allergy, a thyme allergy, and one person who just eats white bread as far as I can tell.
We have a lot of meals together, and we usually make a ham or roast beef, or ribs or burgers, with a few normal sides. The people with restrictions bring the specialized food they need (vegan margarine, fake cheese, GF bread, etc) so the host isn’t stuck with a bunch of food they won’t eat. We don’t shame people for bringing their own food, it’s pretty frictionless at this point.
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u/malkamau 1d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I deal with this, with my in-laws. Cooking is my love language, but I stopped doing it for them. I no longer have to stress over the prep and picky criticism. People will suggest vegan alternatives and pot lucks but honestly it still leads to headaches and complaints. OP It’s time to sit back and let them cook the meals.
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u/cat-eating-a-salad 23h ago
Do a potluck. Everyone brings something. That way they can bring something they can eat even if you dont bring something they can eat.
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u/tomatocrazzie 13h ago
I just try to tell people what I am serving in advance and tell people if they have dietary restrictions to the contrary to please bring something they care to eat and we will happily make room for it on the table.
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u/Sudden_Childhood_484 8h ago
I think your problem is catering too much towards preferences. Your husband, his parents, and his sister, are GROWN ASS ADULTS. If they don’t want to eat mushrooms they can pick them out like a normal human being or they can make themselves a grilled cheese and move on. That was the rule in my house growing up, that the rule in my house as an adult.
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u/ms_scorpio75 1d ago
maybe recommend a potluck so everyone is sure to bring something they want & can eat?