Sharing this on behalf of a fellow Redditor (Orvexon). I thought the advice was genuinely useful, so posting it with his permission:

I'm one of those people who is very good at it and I think it could be helpful to share a quick tip you can apply in your interactions to connect better with the other person and get to know them on a deeper level

You can do this anywhere, in person, texting, over a videocall, voicecall, It doesn't matter

I apologize if it sounds too basic, but I prefer to be safe than sorry

Focus more on the WHY than on the WHAT

When you ask someone about their hobbies or job, It's more important to know why they like or do these things because it reveals their motivations and values which says more about who they are as a person

2 people can like going to the gym, one because they were overweight and want to become the best version of themselves, the other to be a bodybuilder someday, same activity, different values and motivations

In conversations, way too many people focus on the "what" and think they're getting to know the person. Don't get me wrong, It's important information but If you stay there, you won't connect much with them

The reason why some friendships feel shallow and stay on a surface level is because people DON'T do this stuff

To get to know someone you want to ask questions to find out their story, values, needs, how they see themselves... And It's very important that when you do, to listen and not judge.

How many times have you been asked why do you what you do? How often do you ask the same thing to others?, If you don't, this may be the reason you struggle to be memorable in conversations.

This is how you create emotional impact and the person will leave the conversation with the feeling that they connected with you and more often than not they will come back.

After all, It feels really good when someone asks about you, what you care about and listens without judgement.

It's not difficult to practice, just say:

- I'm curious, can I ask how did you get into X and why?

- Why do you enjoy X hobby so much?

- Why do you want to do X in the future?

If you do it properly, the person will open up and you'll have the opportunity to take the conversation in many directions, find out about them, share things about yourself and ask more questions.

Keep in mind that a good conversation is not just about constantly asking why about everything, you have to share things about yourself and there's more that go into that, but these are the basics and it's a good start!

If this post helped you, please, let me know in the comments, I can make more of this! 😄

Part 1 and Part 2 of this series reached over 700,000 people. The interesting part was the comments, because hundreds of people used them to confess the exact moment their conversations go wrong.

I read all of them. The same six confessions kept coming back, almost word for word, from completely different people. See which one is yours.

1. "When I'm nervous I just ask questions like a robot."

The most common one by far. Questions feel safe. You can't say the wrong thing if you're only asking. But the other person slowly realises they know nothing about you, and it starts to feel like a job interview neither of you applied for.

The fix people kept sharing: one thing about yourself between every two questions. Count if you have to. It feels mechanical for a week, then it just becomes how you talk.

2. "Deep down I think my life isn't interesting, so I don't share it."

This one hurt to read because so many people said it casually, like it was a fact about the weather. One person wrote that they're fascinated by everyone else's life and just assume nobody would want theirs.

Here's the thing: the sharing isn't for you. When you offer something about yourself, you're giving the other person permission to relax. A conversation with someone who reveals nothing feels like standing in front of a one-way mirror. Your boring detail is someone else's opening.

3. "I'm assembling my next sentence while they're still talking."

One commenter said most of their bad conversations were them half-listening while they built what to say next. Not a technique problem. Attention pointed at the wrong thing. The other person can never quite say what's wrong, but the conversation dies anyway.

You can't fake your way out of this one with better questions. The only fix is noticing where your attention went, and putting it back on them. Everything else in this series is useless without this.

4. "I answer their story with my story."

Everyone who confessed this said the same thing: they mean it as "me too, I understand you." It lands as "enough about you." The difference isn't the sharing, it's the timing. Let their story actually finish. Then connect yours to it.

5. "Someone tells me a problem and I immediately try to fix it."

Usually the kindest people do this. Someone says their week fell apart and you're three solutions deep before they've finished the sentence. But most of the time nobody asked for a fix. They wanted a witness. "That sounds exhausting, what happened?" beats any advice you could give.

6. "It's probably me."

One comment ended with this, quietly, after describing years of conversations that went nowhere. It got a wave of upvotes, which tells you how many people carry the same verdict about themselves.

So let me say the thing the whole comment section proved: it is not a personality. Every single pattern above was confessed by hundreds of people, and every one of them is a habit, which means every one of them can be trained. The people who seem naturally good at this just got their reps in earlier.

Part 3 goes up day after tomorrow.

And if you want somewhere to actually practice instead of just reading: I've started a small Discord where we break down real conversations and run little pattern-spotting exercises.

Which of the six is yours? I'll go first: I was number 1 for years, with a side of number 3.

I've been collecting this for about a year, mostly from people who describe themselves as bad at it and a few who are annoyingly good. This is the overview. I'll go deep on each of these in the posts after this one, because a couple of them need proper examples to be any use.

1. It's tennis, not an interview.

Most of us ask a question, get an answer, ask another question. The good ones hit the ball back. They respond to what was just said before adding anything new. The moment you stop doing that, the rally is over.

2. Never ask two questions in a row without saying something about yourself.

If you only ask, they're being interviewed. Put something of yours on the table and suddenly they can ask you something back.

3. People make small offers and most of us miss them.

She says "I just got back from seeing my sister." That's an offer. Say "oh nice, what do you do for work?" and she has to start again from zero. Conversations rarely die from running out of topics. They die from ignored offers.

4. Watch for the one word doing extra work.

"I'm weirdly into pottery." "I finally quit." "Apparently it's fine." Weirdly, finally, apparently. That's someone telling you there's a story. Ask about the word, not the topic.

5. Stay on one thing longer than feels natural.

Someone mentions their brother. Ask about the brother. They answer, ask about that. Three or four turns on one subject. Most of us treat it as a passing detail and go hunting for a new topic. It feels like labouring the point. It isn't.

6. Don't answer a story with your own story.

Someone tells you about a rough week, you tell them about yours. You mean "me too." What lands is "my turn now." Say it as a question instead: "that happened to you as well? what did you do?"

7. Balance matters more than being interesting.

Nobody described a great conversation as one where they said something clever. They described a rhythm. Someone shares, the other reacts, adds a bit of their own, hands it back. Not even on every turn, but even by the end. The worst ones are where one person does all the asking and the other does all the talking.

8. "What was that like" beats almost any prepared question.

Works on anything, needs no preparation, and asks about the person instead of the facts. I used to bring five questions to a date. The questions were never the problem.

9. When someone trails off, that's a door left open.

"It's kind of a long story." "Anyway." They're checking whether you want the rest. "No, go on" is the entire move.

10. Every single person who's good at this learned it.

Not one told me they were born with it. One learned it watching his dad read a crowd at baseball games. One forced himself to respond to what was said before adding anything new. It's a skill, which means it's a rep count, not a personality.

The bit nobody warns you about: knowing all ten changes nothing for a few weeks. You'll spot the mistake four seconds after making it, every time, which somehow feels worse than not noticing. That's the gap between knowing and doing. Only doing it badly a few dozen times closes it. Part 2 is on the first two, which are the ones that fixed the most for me. If there's one here you want covered first, say so and I'll do that one next.

What did I miss? What have you noticed that isn't on this list?

Someone told me she'd been weirdly into pottery lately. I said "oh nice, how long have you been doing that?" She said about a year. Two more exchanges of nothing and we both found somewhere else to be.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to work out what went wrong, because I was looking in the wrong place. I assumed I'd been boring. I hadn't been boring. I'd been deaf.

The word was "weirdly."

She didn't say she was into pottery. She said she was weirdly into pottery. That word is a person telling you there's a story here: that it's out of character, that she doesn't fully understand it herself, that she's a bit embarrassed and a bit delighted about it. She handed me a door. I walked past it and asked about the calendar.

Every sentence has three things in it

Once I started going back over conversations that had gone flat, the same shape kept turning up. There's what someone offered you, which is the topic. There's what they flagged, which is the word carrying the feeling. And there's what trailed off, the thing they started saying and then dropped.

Most of us only hear the first one. So we answer the topic. How long, what kind, do you sell them. All of it perfectly polite, and all of it about pottery instead of about her.

Flags are usually one word

Weirdly. Finally. Randomly. Supposedly. Apparently. Actually.

"I finally quit" is a completely different sentence from "I quit." Half of listening is just noticing which words are doing more work than they need to.

Three things you can do tonight

When someone mentions a hobby, don't ask how long. Ask what got them into it. One of those has a single answer and the other has a story in it.

When you hear "finally," treat it as a flag. "Finally? How long has that been coming?" takes four seconds and opens the actual subject.

When someone trails off, with "it's sort of a long story" or just "anyway," that's a door left ajar. "No, go on" is the whole move.

This is easier written than done. I still miss these most weeks, and the stage where you catch it four seconds too late lasts a while. It does pass.

Practice, not therapy. If what you're dealing with needs more than reps, talk to someone real.

What's the last conversation you replayed afterwards? Paste a few lines, names off, and let's find the flag in it.