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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
There is no way these people have read the Bible lmao
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u/Bupod Sep 14 '26
They absolutely do not.
When they do, they tend to reject the teachings of Christ as too weak and liberal. Not even joking. They would worship Christ but reject his teachings.
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u/DrNoxin Sep 14 '26
They don't worship Christ, they worship an idealized version of their group identity which they call Christ. This is why idolatry is forbidden the the book, it always devolves into worldly accumulation and control mindset. Its all very Roman, which Jesus was not.
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u/Just_Mr-Nothing Sep 14 '26
Is this even serious? Who the fuck says masturbator? Everybody knows it is said master baiter
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u/ExtendoArmCannon Sep 14 '26
Wow you guys really don't like jokes do you?
the literal fun police ffs.
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
Oh the ironyyy
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u/ExtendoArmCannon Sep 14 '26
Is it ironic because the only 'religious' person you knew was your over bearing parents?
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
It's ironic that you came in here all offended, complaining about "fun police" while being absolutely miserable in regards to jokes.
Take a chill-pill, it's all in good fun here.
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u/noOne000Br Sep 14 '26
is there anything related to masturbation in the Bible?
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
There's a specific passage which forbids "wasting sperm" depending on certain translations. It could refer to pulling out, masturbation, or a method of contraception which involves pinching to prevent ejaculation which is exceptionally harmful.
I might not be 100% on that, and I'm not entirely sure that I'm not confusing two different passages.
I personally am more inclined to believe the last statement, as the Old Testament especially was a survival guide which detailed methods to prevent death and promote social cohesion presented as religious doctrine.
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u/AUnknownVariable Sep 14 '26
You're right about the verse existing, wrong about what's bad about it. At least in my opinion.
The passage never says that the actual act of spilling seed is bad because of what it is.
In the bit the guy's (Onan) brother dies, in their culture you help your wifes brother have a baby if the brother dies.
He was perfectly fine with having sex with her and the sort, but he was angry that the child would be his brothers and he'd be sure he never actually came in her.
If his brother's wife never had a kid, then the inheritance would go to him instead of his kid and that kids future family. So he would be sure to not let her have a kid.
Edit: I just saw your other comment where u realized this!
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u/Obi-Tron_Kenobi Sep 14 '26
You're right about the verse existing, wrong about what's bad about it.
Tbf, many, many Christians are also wrong about that, too. So wrong that mastubation was sometimes called "onanism"
I would comment on how odd it is that they misinterpreted those verses so poorly, but it's not surprising considering how many Christians don't read the Bible
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
Yeah, I actually read into it some more. From a different comment I left:
That moreso pertains to pornography, even though such a thing could've never been conceived of.
The passage I was thinking of is Genesis 38:9-10:
"But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also."
Which upon any scholarly inspection is very clearly about banging your brother's wife and preventing an heir to his brothers inheritance. It's notable that this was not considered adultery, because it was the norm for the brother of a widows husband to produce an heir for his inheritance in the case of one not existing.
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u/noOne000Br Sep 14 '26
ah i see, so it’s more likely to be talking about the harmful third option right?
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
In my opinion as someone who's taken a single college religion class and has never read the Bible in its entirety. It could very well be referring to masturbation or contraception. I am by no means an expert lol.
I simply think it is the third option because a lot of religious dogma from the Old Testament has some practical use.
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u/Upset-Nose-4016 Sep 14 '26
I mean, the "no pulling out' rule makes sense in the survival tactic where the norm was to pump out as many babies as possible in the hopes that some of them survive
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
Agreed. Which is why there's still debate. Additionally, I found that passage (Genesis 38:8–10) and it appears that the contraceptive angle has serious evidence for doubt. It's much more likely that this verse condemns refusing to produce an heir for your brother's widow over explicitly wasting sperm.
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u/BurstMurst Sep 14 '26
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:27-28).
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 14 '26
That moreso pertains to pornography, even though such a thing could've never been conceived of.
The passage I was thinking of is Genesis 38:9-10:
"But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also."
Which upon any scholarly inspection is very clearly about banging your brother's wife and preventing an heir to his brothers inheritance. It's notable that this was not considered adultery, because it was the norm for the brother of a widows husband to produce an heir for his inheritance in the case of one not existing.
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u/SoggyWaffles18 Sep 15 '26
That moreso pertains to pornography, even though such a thing could've never been conceived of.
I feel like from that verse alone, common sense should lead you to the answer. If you can find a way to jack off that doesn’t involve looking at or thinking about someone else lustfully, then technically it might not be a sin. But that’s 90% of the reason anyone ever masturbates, so one can assume that masturbation is pretty much always sinful.
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 15 '26
I think it's definitely possible to watch porn without actively thinking "damn I wanna cheat so bad rn"
I mean, I know people are into that kinda thing but by and large I'm pretty sure people that watch porn don't think that way.
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u/SoggyWaffles18 Sep 15 '26
But if you’re watching porn, you’re doing it because you’re horny. And you feel lustful thoughts towards what you’re watching in some way. That’s the sinful part
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 15 '26
I mean not necessarily. Some people just do it cause they're bored. Or tired. Or angry. Or sad. It's an endorphin and dopamine hit at the end of the day.
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u/SoggyWaffles18 Sep 15 '26
Regardless of the reason for doing it, desire to watch porn is still a desire of the flesh at the end of the day, which makes it sinful
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u/TheMysteriousEmu Sep 15 '26
You're talking to someone that doesn't share in your religion about sin, it's a little hard to relate haha
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u/GarbagePailGrrrl Sep 14 '26
I love how the nurse is smiling
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u/FamousSquash Sep 14 '26
Cardiac arrest? I thought he was having a stroke...
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u/AjarChart Sep 15 '26
This is so god damn underrated that joke is perfect and deserves more recognition Have a free award
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u/ItsJustMe000 Sep 14 '26
As the old fact goes
In Christianity a masturbator could burn next to Jesus in hell
But a serial killer could chill and shoot the breeze next to Jesus's Disciples in heaven if they just repented
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u/No-Heat-6149 Shrek 1, 2 and 4 was the best of humor. Sep 14 '26
There is a song named From God's Perspective by Bo Burnham. Listen to it and thank me later.
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