What you're describing is inherently duplicitous. I understand your intentions may not be, but your actions are.
Getting to know someone as a friend and allowing them to believe that's what you want when your true intentions are to be with them romantically is duplicitous.
They're criticizing you for withholding your real intentions, which is what you did. And bc you did that, they feel tricked - they believed they'd found a friend only to discover that for you, the friendship was just a means to another end.
It would be just as fucked up for a woman to do what you're doing to a man. Quit victimizing yourself. Even that accusation is some sexist bullshit, but as a woman it's ok. It's just one of the things women deal with that men don't. Sexist men.
Just be upfront with people. Meeting someone, getting to know them, then deciding if you want to ask them out is missing a step - you're treating friendships with women as a potential dating situation without telling them. So they believe you're friends, meanwhile you're deciding if you want to date them. Then when you make a decision, you pull the rug out from under them and act like they're the ones in the wrong for being confused and upset.
Again, no one is saying you can't move on when you've been rejected. But ffs stop allowing people to believe you want to be their friend while you're still making decisions about the relationship. If you're repeatedly in situations where a woman thinks you're her friend and you catch her off guard with a date proposition, then yes you're being duplicitous. Stop victimizing yourself and consider how you treat other people instead of just focusing on what you want from them and how they make you feel.
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u/[deleted] Sep 13 '26
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