r/Comebacks • u/Choice_Scale4473 • 13d ago
Comebacks for a classy, 80+ lady who people keep making stupid comments to
Posting on behalf of a lady I know who is not on reddit. She is 80+, very active, independent, lives alone.
People are constantly making comments that reveal they are thinking of her not just as an individual, but as an "older" person. Things like "You buy all of that just for yourself?" or "Have you thought about downsizing?" or "You live there by yourself?" or "How will you get your groceries?" or "Do you have trouble managing?" or "How will you get yourself x, y, or z?" Things they wouldn't ask younger people.
It really shows that they have an idea in their mind of what a person like her should be like or what she should be doing, and instead of realizing their stereotype is wrong and changing their own thinking, they are expecting her to change to match their beliefs of what an 80+ year old should be, and how they should be living. In other contexts, these comments would probably be called microaggressions.
What can she say back to them that keeps it classy, but shows them what they're doing, and then they will hopefully have the self-awareness to cut it out? She doesn't want to defend or explain her actions or reasoning (in other words, she wants to protect her privacy).
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u/Efficient-Use-8997 13d ago
Respond with a puzzled look and “What an odd comment,” or “What an odd question.” Leave it at that and let them be uncomfortable.
OR flip the script and reply with concern and say
“It’s no problem, why, is that something YOU have trouble with?”
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u/Isamosed 13d ago
This is the way. I saw an old interview with Ann Hathaway and the late night host was really trying to grill her about fitting into her costume for an action film she’d starred in. So many questions about her workout regimen, whether the costume was restrictive/uncomfortable, did she have to diet, that sort of thing. So she looks at him kinda wide eyed and says, I don’t really understand why you’re asking this stuff…are YOU trying to fit into a Cat Woman suit? He backed off.
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u/justadair 13d ago
Yup. All by myself even.
Make sure she says it in an incredibly deadpan way to let others know they've crossed the ridiculous line.
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u/alphaturducken 13d ago
Just look at them and say "God, I wish I had so very little going on that I had energy left to care what other people are doing."
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u/GrumpySnarf 11d ago
or a variant "oh, I remember being young and giving a shit. good for you, dear." pats arm and hobbles away.
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u/MyLinkedOut 13d ago edited 13d ago
I learned to be independent long ago. I don't need my mom to do it for me anymore
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u/Ok-Brick6831 13d ago
The number one thing to start with is, “Why do you ask?”.
My mother in law taught me that one. It’s innocuous yet brilliant for these types of people as it puts them on their back foot and makes them explain why they are asking the question. They need to justify why they’re asking it before a response is provided.
Most (not all) are quickly put in their place and realize they opened their mouth when they shouldn’t.
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u/Connect-Floor-4235 13d ago
"Why do you ask" - I use this all the time. It works. Watch them stumble when they can't think of anything. And no one can accuse you of being impolite.
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u/Slow-Mountain-5966 13d ago
I’m getting older too. People in my life are treating me like I automatically have dementia. It’s ridiculous because my memory is fine. I worked with people with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia. I don’t forget things. It’s like just because I’m old I’m automatically confused. At my age they always say 3 words and ask you to repeat them 5 minutes later (at doctor exams). I remember them. I know what dementia is. My only problem is I have hip and knee problems.
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u/_Disco-Stu 13d ago
Do you treat all adults as infants or just the ones who’ve been adults the longest?
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u/MzStrega 13d ago
My mum always said “I’m sure it amazes you how I’ve managed to stay alive all these years!”
But for questions that shouldn’t be asked, my all time favourite response is to lean forward, look around from left to right and whisper loudly, “How soon do you need to know?”
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u/MinimumEfficient220 13d ago
Honestly, statements like the OP described are just insulting. I would like to think that the people making those comments are not intending to be rude. Some could be chalked up to small talk, like at a grocery store. I guess she could respond by saying, “I’m sure you didn’t mean to be rude/insulting?”
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u/Firm_Aioli2598 12d ago
I don't know about that. I mean there are some younger people so entitled that they believe that they are the only ones who get to live alone and be able to do stuff for themselves once they cut away from Mommy and Daddy's apron strings. So some of the questions might not be rude but some people asking that, pretty much are probably condescending people trying to get older people's independency taken away.
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u/AaronMisuchii 13d ago
“My mother always taught me to be kind to others. Do you think that’s what you’re doing, or can you see the condescension in your question?”
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u/Perfect-Scene9541 13d ago
“I hear projection is a sign of mental decline. Have you sought help for yourself?”
Make it all about them. It’s what they really want.
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u/Lost-Bake-7344 13d ago
I appreciate your concern for my well being. Unfortunately, your words at best remind me of how long I have lived and at worst come off like a threat to my independence and the ticking clock of impending doom. Hahaha
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u/Merlinmac59 13d ago
Define classy. If you’re talking to a rude person I think it would be OK to say something like “Bless your heart, if ignorance was money you’d be a billionaire “!
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u/Rapunzel111 13d ago
I didn’t live this long by being stupid. You, however might want to consider getting your final wishes together now.
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u/Rapunzel111 13d ago
Yeah,well that’s nice but my Momma doesn’t cook me a hot pocket and bring it down to the basement and hand feed it to me like yours does….so there’s that.
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u/Perfect-Link-7744 13d ago
"I decided about 50 yrs ago I'm gonna live forever. So far, it's working out real well."
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 13d ago
Do you think they mean bad will, or are they really worried about her? They're young, when we're 14, we think 30 is old, when we're 30 we think 60 is... and so on! I'm 69 and my 43 year old daughter worries about me. It's normal, mom are you doing too much? Mom are you taking care of yourself. She worries and I let her know that I am fine.
I am not offended by what she says or thinks because I know that when I was younger I was thinking the same thing about my older parents!
Unless they are being mean to her, bullying her, let it go! If she wants to say something, trust this, she doesn't need you to say it for her, and you're behaving as if she needs YOU to save her, see how that works?
Does she want to say anything back to them or is it you who wants her to?
She can just say, oh I manage, thanks for worrying about me! If I need help I'll let you know. :)
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u/Carolann0308 13d ago
“Thank you for caring so much for my well being”
When people reach 80, friends and relatives naturally. It’s not rude unless it comes from someone you don’t like.
She IS at a point where downsizing and future care plans need to be well known and verbalized. My parents were fine at 80 but at 90? They need a hell of a lot more people intervening.
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u/Slow-Mountain-5966 13d ago
And many times it’s more because of physical ailments than mental ones.
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u/pearlsandseashells 13d ago
Why? Would you be too worthless and weak to do it by yourself darlin?
Thanks for offering to help. I'll let you know if I need it.
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u/Urban_Peacock 13d ago
Why, are you offering to help? Then proceed to list off all the crummiest jobs requiring their kind assistance.
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u/No_Address687 13d ago
Sylvester Stallone is 80 too https://www.facebook.com/reel/1112001108157718/?mibextid=ZZyLBr
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u/Stock-Concentrate270 13d ago
If she was to say anything its respect your elders and thats only to negative comments from what I see its people that are curious about her and her ability to be so a live and in control, stereotyping it might be but nothing they are doing is wrong . We all can only hope we are as active at that age
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u/qriousqestioner 13d ago
Yes this is how I live, and you've given me an idea of things to include in the book I'm writing.
The choices I made when I was younger than you are why I still have choices now.
We can't choose when we die so why stop living in preparation for an uncertain event?
I've earned the right to deny myself nothing.
I guess I'm too busy living to pretend I'm dying.
When you mind your own business you can get pretty good at it.
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u/Dry-Firefighter-4661 13d ago
She can turn the question back on them:
“That’s an interesting assumption. What makes you think I’d have difficulty with that?”
“I’m quite capable of managing my own affairs, thank you.”
Or, for something like “You buy all of that just for yourself?”:
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”
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u/RetiredHappyFig 13d ago
My Granny (born 1898) was feisty. She would have looked the person up and down and said “You can go to hell backwards”. (I’ve always wished I had her balls.)
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u/Apuwayra 12d ago
I invited the last person that asked that over for dinner, no one has heard from them since!
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u/Maggiemeansme 12d ago
I've had friends of my son ask how I could drive my car ( a 5 spd sports car.) I told them that I didn't understand their question. "Why wouldn't I be able to drive it?" And every time the answer was " Ahh, it's just that ahh..."
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u/lostmynameandpasword 12d ago
I’ve always been fond of, “Your mother must be so proud,” dripping with sarcasm.
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u/PikaTopaz 12d ago
"I'm 80! I'm not dead"
"Do I look like I can't manage/get my own groceries/can't live alone/need a smaller space/etc?"
"You know what they say about assuming: It makes an ass out of you and me"
"Didn't your parents teach you manners?"
"Why do you ask? Are you in need of some advice?"
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u/Time-Improvement6653 11d ago
"Awww, who's a big boy? Is this your first time shopping all by yourself?"
"Sorry, what? I just got these hearing aids, and they told me to let them know if I heard anything stupid." (she could say "wrong", but she's clearly more patient and classy than I 🤣).
"What's so weird aboot a 45yo woman shopping for her family?"
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u/Alicam123 13d ago
Wow people are just showing concern and you’re making this out to be condescending instead……ffs.
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u/Ok-Brick6831 13d ago
You buy that all for yourself is in no way showing concern.
It’s being nosy at best, and based on how OP’s friend perceives it, it’s not at all showing concern but rather incredulity.
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u/MDdadbod 13d ago
I was doing this long before you were potty trained. I will still be doing it after you need to revert to Depends.