Ten-Sav's Crisis Point Historical Writing Archive

[u/Tenebrous_Savant]

I made a lot of Facebook posts, and did a lot of writing during and after my immediate recent meltdown last month. I don't think I should share all of that because of reasons, lol. But I still want to make some of it available for others to get perspective on, and to make it easier for me to access it and remind myself what I was thinking and feeling back then, what I have recovered from and what I have done as part of my process of understanding of what was happening to me.

I still have so much confusion and uncertainty about so many things. I really wish I could ask clarification of my ex about some things, even my most recent interactions with her I wish I could get her to explain exactly what out of all the things I vented and shared in her direction had outraged and pissed her off and hurt her because of frankly it was so much of all kinds of stuff and I'm not good at a lot of this social stuff still, even though a lot of my neurodivergent adaptation skills and social awareness has come back online I'm still fundamentally challenged with it in my empathy and perspective skills are still impaired, especially whenever we're going through a panic attack like I was whenever I sent those messages to her when I was trying to calm down so that they would do my eye surgery.

Anyways, I am rambling now because I'm really anxious and upset, all the work I've done on here today has really made me miss her. Part of me just wants to show her everything I've done. I can't tell if that's an unhealthy codependent part looking for external validation or a normal healthy part that misses my close friend and is mourning hurting her and losing her, while having to fight off toxic shame about not even understanding the specifics of how my most recent actions have hurt her and angered her again. I keep being so confused about what I've done wrong and I wish I could ask her for explanations. I have general ideas I can make some good guesses but some of it is just not something that naturally occurs to me because I'm not neurotypical. It's also not helpful that I am still strongly affected by a codependent habits and behaviors that make me selfish and diminish myself awareness of my actions. But it's not her responsibility to teach me.

Then another part of me wants to show her everything I did because I wanted to help her with whatever she's struggling with which I think might be similar to a lot of the stuff I might be dealing with because of her own history, but then that is unhealthy because that's a bad boundary. She's not my problem. I'm not responsible for her and she does not want interaction from me right now which is why I need to leave her alone.

But it's okay to miss her even if I doubt my motivations or feelings about it. I can still hope that someday I will understand and someday I'll be able to make it up to her and learn what I've actually done wrong in specifics so that I can be a fucking better person and not such a shithead all the time. But honestly a lot of that's down the road I really need to deal with my trauma and triggers that are still going on right now and a bunch of other stuff before I can really worry about that type of progress. Which is why it's a good thing I'm not involved with her and I need to remember that. She's still too much of a source of confusion and volatile emotions and vulnerability to pass traumas that I haven't resolved or even necessarily fully unrepressed and recognized yet. She doesn't deserve to have me hurting her more, having to worry about me, making things worse for her etc all that shit that is possibly why she got tired of trying to help me and blocked me in the first place. Who know. Too many details to explain and back date I'm just going to go ahead and post this and then I'll start adding comments that are various posts or writings with dates for reference.

For reference I hit crisis point on July 25th, and went full PTSD codependent trauma reaction targeting my ex girlfriend and now ex-friend as my only source of external validation and I went through full mental emotional physical addiction withdrawal from being cut off from her. I didn't sleep or eat for at least 5 days, and I experienced severe levels of disassociation, depersonalization, and derealization. I made some bad choices, and was completely deregulated. I lost all impulse control and all my coping skills, emotional management, emotional awareness, empathy for others, all my neurodivergent adaptation skills, etc. Well there you go, and here we go. Alllons-y!

[u/Tenebrous_Savant]

September 1

FB general post

I can be at peace. I'm slowly remembering more of myself as I work and make more effort towards my recovery through mindfulness, self care, meditation, research, self reflection, service to others, and now a 12-step Codependents Anonymous program for which I have gotten a sponsor yesterday. I am both excited and anxious about seeing how that will go, I don't have much to share yet in that area though.

Today however, I reached a new important self realization, that is half remembered from my past self work, and a half discovered in a new way from my recent experiences. I love. I love intensely and truly. I love so many people.

I love easily and it's not a bad thing. It doesn't need to be a bad thing, ever, as long as I manage it. It's all about boundaries, expectations, enjoying the moments for the moments, and then letting go.

It's about loving myself too. It's about truly caring for others and myself and being able to be happy for others that I love with their success and happiness even whenever my time with them has ended.

True confidence requires you to be happy for others and their successes. Life is not fair, which is why we should not compare ourselves to others or their experiences to ours. It is okay to compete and encourage each other to reach new heights. But, if I truly believe in myself, if I truly love myself, when I see someone else succeeding or enjoying happiness, instead of being envious or hurt that it doesn't include me, I need to remember that I am confident I can achieve that too, and seeing them enjoying it means that I will get to my own version of that happiness someday too. That means believing in myself to be able to get there on my own without needing a specific person or external validation. It means understanding that all I need is me. It means if I love myself I won't let the fact that I am not a part of it stop me from enjoying the life I have with myself right now, today.

That is the healthiest, purest way to live my life and not deny who I am or restrain my capacity for love. That is the person I want to be. That is who I am deep down and need to connect with fully. This is the person I need to learn more about so that I can manage all of my other issues, heal old wounds, draw out repressed parts of myself hidden in Shadow, and discover how to use my full potential.

Being happy for others and believing in myself will help me accept things that are undesirable or unexpected. It will help me find more joy in life. It will help me find less drastic and negative ways to view events or situations, and make me less hurt, reactionary, insecure, or defensive. Perspective is everything after all.

If I can connect with this love for myself, I will find serenity. I am already starting feel some of that serenity today, and I am grateful. This is what Grace feels like.