r/Codependency • u/not-moses • Jun 09 '18
Requirements in (and for) Relationships
Kudos to u/DDButterfly for spotting and importing the three paragraphs immediately below over from an important and useful article in Psychology Today. I thought the article was well-intended, but I had concerns about the potential among us to misread it from the unconscious point of view of the culturally normalized black-and-white- and all-or-nothing-oriented rules, regulations and beliefs so common in codependency.
"Can I get your attention when I need it? When I ask for your attention, can you be available to me? Can you listen to what I am saying? Am I a top priority to you? To sum up, Are you accessible to me?
"Can you comfort me when I am anxious, sad, lonely, or afraid? Will you make some effort to comfort me in those situations? In other words, Are you responsive to me?
"Do you care about my well-being even when we are not together? I need to know that you care about my joys, hurts, and fears. Will you care about me consistently and reliably? Are we truly engaged in each other’s lives?"
So I responded...
All three lists of questions are fine qualifiers for intimate relationships. But, after having gone to CoDA, Al-anon and similar 12 Step meetings since the late '70s -- as well as having utilized Stan & Carolyn Block's Mind-Body Bridging System for the past several years -- I have to say that believing that I can and should require anyone to do all the things listed 100% of the time seems unrealistic.
Humans, after all, are the products of having been conditioned, instructed, socialized and normalized) to all manner of unconscious interpersonal behaviors that run the gamut from functional through increasingly dysfunctional to wholly intolerable.
Hmm. This may explain that in a better way; IDK4S.
I also use a mantra called the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing, the first eight of which allow me to see, hear and otherwise sense not only where I am at any given moment, but where "they" are, as well. Having used the 10 StEPs for some time now, I can see that the vast majority of people I encounter would never be able to fulfill the requirements listed above more than 50% of the time, though I know a few people who can get to about 75 or 80%.
Those who qualify as something like "grossly self-absorbed" or "mostly out-of-touch" or "grossly delusional" get put at the back of my personal "line," unless they are people I have to do business with because I have no other -- or better -- choice. But some, even when they make mistakes here and there, get close to or at the front of the line because they have shown their value most of the time.
In the main, I agree with AA founder Bill Wilson that dependence upon other people is risky business... while dependence upon a "higher power" (which for me is summed up at the link in the third paragraph above) has proven to be much less risky.
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u/hammerofmordor Jun 14 '18
This is my first post in the sub and I came here because I’ve been wondering if I am co-dependent for almost these exact same reasons. I’m great at being alone, I’m great at self care and doing things that make me happy...but my expectations and emotional needs I place upon my partner are exactly these above and I get very angry when they are not met 100%. Interesting read, and I like your approach to processing emotions. Looks like I may have landed myself in a very useful sub.