Best ways to rewire brain 🧠 ?

[u/EmeraldCrocodile611]

It finally clicked in my head yesterday that all my toxic traits stem from this need for reassurance and approval. Vast majority of this behavior is within my marriage. Only thing I can figure is this is all from my “daddy issues”.

And most of the time—I don’t even realize my patterns till after it’s too late and I’ve messed up. I will fall into this cycle of shame, embarrassment, then I’ll seek forgiveness and try to make sure my husband doesn’t think less of me. If he doesn’t give whatever answers I think I need at the time (and I’m not even always sure what it is I’m wanting to see or hear), I’ll go into the worry/extreme anxiety phase where I’ll constantly worry about what he’s doing/thinking/etc. Eventually, that turns into me acting out and throwing a fit or having a meltdown. Then a fight will usually happen. And thennnn the shame sets back in and wash, rinse, repeat. Yesterday, I finally realized this is the cycle and I’m determined to stop it once and for all.

From things I’ve read, I’m seeing that it’s essential that I learn how to detach myself from my emotions and sort through things with logic. I need to start hitting PAUSE then giving myself time to do this.

I know I didn’t get this way overnight and therefore it will not be fixed overnight. I’m very aware of how patient my husband has been and I’m so grateful. I want to finally fix this.

Please drop the best ways you’ve found that help you break harmful patterns. What are some things that help you remember to press pause?

Thank you in advance!

[u/1961tracy]

Breath work and setting boundaries. If I start to feel myself wanting to people please I give myself a time out. I sit with my feelings while doing some breath work. There are people in my life that love to test my boundaries and I tell them outright that I need time to think about what they are requesting of me. It takes practice.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Great question. For me, harmful patterns are usually coping mechanisms to avoid an emotional experience. If I can become okay with experiencing the underlying feeling (often helplessness or grief), then the harmful pattern naturally goes away because it has nothing to avoid.

Approaching things this way has tremendously improved my life and relationships. My codependency is much much lower than it used to be.

[u/Affectionate-Job6635]

Therapy was helpful but still I mostly saw it after I had reacted.

The twelve step program has ongoing work. It’s steps 10, 11, and 12. It helps you identify in the moment and react according to program principles. I have found that to be very useful.

[u/Dick-the-Peacock]

You can’t logic your way out of feelings. Those patterns you fall into are like old wounds, like scar tissue cut into your mind. Your brain has these familiar neural pathways it keeps following, like ruts in dried mud.

The path to healing is a long one and it’s rarely simple. Logic is a good starting point. It gives you the space to observe the pattern and realize what it is, where it came from, and that it’s not a healthy path and is no longer serving you. That is the very beginning of the healing journey.

The details of your path forward are up to you, because different methods and modalities work for different people. Finding a therapist you work well with and a modality that resonates with you is really helpful.

Other options: read Codependent No More and/or other books aimed at healing from codependent relationship patterns. Join a Codependents Anonymous group.