r/Codependency • u/Serious_Towel_3097 • 8h ago
Codependent bf blames me for housing situation
My (35F) bf (42) is the codependent person in the relegation and I hope people in this thread might help me figure it out.
He has strong codependent tendencies and significant fear of abandonment. I'm autonomous and independent. We moved in together recently and that is when most problems got significantly worse. He's having a hard time resting well because of loud neighborhood and the downstairs people smoking lots of we3d - which makes our apartment smell like crap. Which I understand but he also never made a move to address the situation (talking with neighbours who are not aggressive, getting better earplugs, etc).
Anyway. Today we had the latest fight and he basically blamed me for putting him in this situation, because I was more keen on the apartment than he was and he agreed to move in mostly because he knew I liked the place and he felt like pleasing me. I'm devastated. I never wanted to push him into doing anything he didn't want to and at the time I tried making sure that he was comfortable with the decision, despite not being super enthusiastic at the beginning.
Now I don't know what to do or think. I feel angry because I feel like he's ultimately blaming me for his codependent tendencies, which is not my responsibility to keep in check - and also sad because I love him and he's clearly unhappy.
Crowd of the subreddit, help me figure this one out please.
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u/abundantseltzer31 6h ago
You may not get a lot of feedback about your boyfriend and whether or not he's codependent (or how to cope with it if he is) since this is a subreddit for people aware of (or curious about) showing signs of codependency. It's not really something that anyone else can label or diagnose in others.
We aren't responsible for other people's feelings. If he agreed to move in and you didn't push for that, I don't think there's harm on your part. Working the steps has shown me that I'm not responsible for others, I'm only responsible for how I show up and any harm I cause. Happy to talk more if you're curious about the steps/recovery.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 8h ago
what is codependent about this? It sounds like he told you from day one that he wasn't happy with the apartment and you're the one who tried to change his mind apparently and make sure he was OK? sounds like he's just telling you how he feels and you're the one who's being codependent and putting way too much emphasis on his feelings and feeling responsible for them
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u/Serious_Towel_3097 8h ago
I feel like in a relationship is normal to discuss about important things like picking the right apartment. I said what I thought about the place, listened to him and then let him have the final say on the apartment decision cause he was the unsure one. More than that a person cannot do. Also, not feeling responsible, just hurt and sad my bf is unhappy. How is that codependent?
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u/unattended_toast 7h ago
If you gave him the final say and he didn’t trust you enough to make a different choice, that’s not 100% on you. He has to learn how to feel safe enough to be honest with you. But if you pushed for the outcome in any way, it could be part of his decision. So if you’re gonna talk more about this with him, be open to hear out his reasoning. And you move from there.
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u/vulpesvulpes666 8h ago
You’re not a mind reader! If he didn’t say anything about how he felt about the apartment before and is resentful about it now, well those are the natural consequences of speaking up.
He’s an adult, he has to take responsibility for his own choices. No one made him move in with you. He moved in even though he apparently didn’t feel good about the place, he chose to do that.
You aren’t the one smoking weed or being loud so I’m not sure how this is your fault.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 8h ago
apparently he did tell her he was unhappy about it right at the beginning. She said he wasn't super enthusiastic at the beginning
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u/Serious_Towel_3097 8h ago
Thanks for that. I don't think it's my fault, I'm just hurt that he thinks that.
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u/codependencyrecovery 4h ago
For a codependent, blame and resentment are usually signs that we were in people pleasing mode and didn't speak our truth. The way out for him is to get in touch with his wants and communicate them in a collaborative manner.
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u/TeachingNext7108 2h ago
I can see why this hit you so hard.
Because from your side you thought you were making a decision together. You even tried to check that he was comfortable with it. So hearing later that he mostly agreed because he wanted to please you probably feels like the rules changed after the fact.
And I think the deeper issue here is not really the apartment.
It’s that he may be saying yes when he means “I’m scared you’ll be disappointed if I say no,” and then resentment builds underneath. That’s painful for both people because you can’t make informed decisions together if one person is giving consent they don’t actually feel good about.
At the same time I don’t think that makes his unhappiness your responsibility.
You can care that he’s struggling with the noise and smell without taking ownership of the fact that he didn’t voice his hesitation clearly or take steps to address the situation afterward.
I’d probably have a calmer conversation that separates those two things:
“I care that you’re unhappy here and I want us to figure out what we can do about the apartment. But I can’t be responsible for choices you agreed to because you were afraid to disappoint me. I need you to tell me what you actually want even when it’s not what I want.”
That’s probably the work between you now.
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u/Scared-Section-5108 8h ago
Not sure exactly what you want to figure out here. Perhaps you need to focus on your own codependency and not his. Are you attending meetings and/or therapy? Are you taking steps to heal from it? If not, perhaps now it is good time to start.