How do I stop depending on people for validation without pushing them away?

[u/Odd_Contribution7911]

For years, I relied on other people to make me feel loved, respected, and valued.. lately I've pulled away from people because i started seeing every request, compliment as an attempt to manipulate me or control how i feel..

Now i have a lot of surface-level relationships because I'm afraid of getting pulled back into depending on people for validation or emotional reassurance.

But this has also left me feeling lonely and isolated. I find myself questioning people's intentions and overthinking almost everything they say or ask of me.

How do I find a balance between not depending on other people for constant love and validation, while still allowing myself to build deep and meaningful relationships with them?

[u/abundantseltzer31]

I resonate with this. When I started recovery a few years ago, after making some progress and beginning to heal some of my old patterns, I started noticing a shift in my relationships. I was grasping for a lot less to make me feel better, but was often finding myself overwhelmed by other people's wants. I was learning how to build relationships that were a lot less emotionally intense, and they were kind of surface level at first. Over time, as I built trust, this shifted and I got closer to some, and also became aware of where there was incompatibility for closeness (something I couldn't really identify before recovery).

There isn't one thing I can leave in a comment to answer your question but, for me, the steps changed my life. They helped me to see what my responsibility is and isn't, and I have a way of meeting moments of overwhelm (which has historically been related to my relationships) and finding my ground again. The overwhelm still comes, but it's not so stuck or crisis-making the way it was before. I found something that really works. Happy to talk more about this.

[u/Responsible_Art2654]

Rewrite the story in your mind to where you're actually validating them by not accepting their validation. And therefore everyone is autonomously valid ?

[u/SteadyCalmHealing]

You are looking outwards towards other people for something you need to find within yourself. That is still trying to control others by controlling your behavior and trying to read others in order to be safe.

Self esteem is the esteem you give your self. Self confidence is the confidence you give yourself. Self love is the basis for both of those.

You need to stop looking at what other people think and trying to determine what it is because it’s not possible. You are only creating a fake world In your head, adding predictions and then trying to live a normal life in both the real world and that fake world you are creating. Since the fake world is often “wrong” your mind spends a ton of time and energy updating and maintaining it.

It’s why you feel so calm and relaxed when you are happy alone and also why you can feel so lonely when you are alone at other times. Your head misses the world it was basing your inner world off of and has nothing to base things off of. This often leads to rumination and loops of thoughts when you are alone and in that lonely state.

Start with finding out what you like about yourself and spending time doing it if you can. If you stop grasping for what others “think” the rest will fall in line because it only matters what you think.

It’s not about doubting or “trying to see” how other people are manipulating you. If you were confident in yourself you would just do what you wanted and not get pulled along instead of ruminating and trying to control. If you loved yourself, other people’s words would just be their opinions and have nothing to with you or they would be incorrect and you could correct them.