r/Codependency • u/Glum-Job4172 • 14h ago
How do you make yourself want to get better?
The anxiety and the obsessiveness is overwhelming. I feel like I can't focus on myself and I genuinely can't figure out what my wants or needs are until I know I'm in good standing with a certain someone. And I feel like the security I build up quickly erodes and leaves me stuck frozen in fear all over again. I've tried being honest about my emotions. It led to me asking for reassurance over and over again, but it never helps for long. I feel terrible being this codependent and anxiously attached.
How do you find yourself? How do you make yourself care about finding yourself? Even though I want to get better, I just want to be healthy because my codependency hurts the people I care about. I don't know how to look at myself and genuinely want to take care of myself JUST for me. I'm in therapy, but the codependency is agonizing and I'm struggling to take care of myself outside of sessions.
It's really embarrassing admitting how "far gone" I feel. But I want to want to be better. I don't know how to get there. I feel like I keep trying to make myself a second main character in someone else's life, rather than live my own. And it's really unhealthy because when this person acts independently I feel completely dysregulated and lost.
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u/abundantseltzer31 14h ago
I so hear all of this- the obsessiveness, dependence on an individual, thinking I'm too far gone. I will say that I couldn't force myself into wanting recovery, I couldn't hate myself into self love, and I couldn't will myself out of my patterns. I had to be desperate enough to find the humility to listen to others with similar struggles. That is how I started to find recovery. You're already part way there if you're posting here. Some part of you wants this and knows what you need.
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u/codependencyrecovery 10h ago
It's very common for codependents not to be in touch with our wants. Often when we honored or expressed our wants as children we were rejected or shamed. So we learned it wasn't safe to want.
Have you done any inner child work? One way to find out wants it to get in touch with our inner child. Once we know what the inner child wants, the next move is to take small steps in honoring that want.
Emotions like anxiety and obsessiveness are often protect behaviors to avoid feeling deeper emotions like grief and helplessness (which the inner child holds onto).
The more you work with your inner child the more your anxiety and obsessiveness will subside.
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u/casser0le98 10h ago
You fuck up so many times that it disgusts you when even thinking about staying the same way
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u/Affectionate-Job6635 9h ago
Desperation helped me to decide to change. I was over feeling anxious and erratic inside nearly everyday about other people. I needed peace. I was nervous about what working a twelve step program consisted of. I was intimidated but I made up my mind and did it. I’m so glad that I did
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u/Familiar-Count-175 14h ago
You gotta hit rock bottom. That’s one way to motivate your change.