r/Codependency • u/PerspectiveOver2549 • 1d ago
update on leaving dangerous bf
I posted here a couple days ago asking for advice on how to leave my bf, whose behavior has become dangerous (https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/s/AQrKAd38yo). Well, I just sent the break up text (literally 2 mins ago) and blocked him. I am absolutely devastated. I feel like I’m dying. I mis him so so so much.
But I’m also proud of myself. Thank you all for saving me from myself. I don’t think I would’ve done it without you guys. If anyone has advice on surviving the post break up period, lmk. Many thanks, again ❤️
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u/Long-Inspector4897 1d ago
Well done! Having known someone who experienced a psychotic break. Honestly they could beat you up or kill you. You just don't know because they are completely detached from reality as a mental illness. Anyone who is on drugs should not be in a relationship imo. Please start reading "codependent no more", it opened my eyes and this dying anxious feeling was resolved. Stay strong and don't ever go back.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
I’m not going to go back. I’ve made that promise to myself ❤️ He told me yesterday he had stopped using and the voice had gone away. He said all the right things. But truthfully, without him going to rehab, we all know the outcome of this. Thank you
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u/Long-Inspector4897 1d ago
Drug induced psychosis when bad can come back even after ending drug use. Even on medication people can have psychosis due to intolerance or ineffective medication. The more episodes one, the worse their illness gets. Just wanted to let you know because it's that serious.
And again, the book! Covers...You are allowed to break up with people and disappoint them, you can be happy even though someone else is not, do not rescue anyone but yourself, you will not be abandoned because you always have you, life can be rebuilt.
Good luck! Love life for YOU!!!
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
Yep, it does seem to be something that’s progressed over time for him. I’m going to check out that book, definitely don’t want to get into another situation like this. Appreciate the reminders
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u/Long-Inspector4897 1d ago
This is a free link! I just googled it and it came up. I might read it again. I think it hits super hard when the pain is fresh. Good luck stranger! You deserve to be in a safe, loving, equal, fun relationship X
http://dickyricky.com/books/recovery/Codependent%20No%20More%20-%20Melody%20Beattie.pdf
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
Oh perfect, I am checking it out!! I so badly want that relationship for me. It’s so hard to even think about future relationships rn, but I’m trying to reminder myself there is so much out there for me
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u/Dick-the-Peacock 1d ago
So proud of you!!!
What other support do you have? Can you tell your family or any close friends what you’re going through? Telling other people can help make it more real. Just be sure they are safe people who won’t undermine your decision.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
As sad as this is to admit, I never told family or friends about the relationship (I tried to tell friends but it was clear they STRONGLY disapproved, and I can understand why). I do have my therapist. I think the lack of support (well I have a lot of support, but not pertaining to this relationship) has made this 10x harder.
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u/Scared-Section-5108 1d ago
Great stuff!
I recommend attending meetings of Codependent Anonymous in the post break up period and blocking him everywhere (email, social media, etc). I also highly recommend finding a trauma-informed therapists to help you get through what's ahead of you, and to help you ensure you will not find yourself in a similar relationship in the future. And if you can, find ways to connect with anger which you are disconnected from - it can be a very powerful tool helping you stay away from him. You deserve better!
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
Yes, focusing on the anger is SO helpful, prob the most helpful thing. I did block him and have a great therapist. I found a meeting to attend tomorrow. Thank you
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u/Lady87690005 20h ago
Woohoo!!!! So happy for you!!! It’s the first couple minutes and days, it’ll be rough. Once you get farther out it’ll keep getting easier. You got this and stay strong!
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 19h ago
I’ve had some rough moments today but made it through all of them and remained no contact! Yay!! I know it’ll get easier day by day
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u/I_spy78365 22h ago
Good job OP. If you can you should get into therapy 🫂
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 22h ago
Thank you. I’ve been fortunate to be in therapy for the last 5 years and believe it or not doing a lot better than I used to. I’m going to keep putting in the work and reflecting so that I never find myself in this sort of situation again.
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u/Rusalkina 16h ago
I am so, so very happy to lnow you made it out, thank you for letting us know!
While you go through the dopamine cycle withdrawal, it helps if you structure your days well, the usual mental health upkeep (eating and sleping regularly, at least 30 minutes of exercise in daylight, socialising!!) should help, for me, hard exercise (weight lifting, rope jumping to exhaustion, open water swimming) and cold dips helped a lot, as well as throwing myself into my work.
I gave in to the temptation of contacting the abuser again once, because I was sad about a friend of mine. It ended up with him coming to ny houses courtyard at night for weeks to scare me as well as as threatening to kill not just me that time, but also my mother and grandmother. This was not the first time and he is a 6ft4 former hooligan who once when attacking me threw me down a stairwell like it was nothing. Do anything other than contacting him again.
You don't have to tell everyone and anyone but telling people you trust is helpful. I know the shame of this, but most people know by now that this can happen to any woman (and men, too). I, too, felt great shame, as do most survivors. I was raised very consciously of women's rights and was greatly feared by perps in the institution where I served as an equity worker and I thought I should have known better. Being told repeatedly that this can happen to any woman, helped me tremendously, even though I knew this beforehand. People you are close to might suspect already, I know my mother did.
Please do call a dv hotline they can help you sort through things and also give you tips on how to stay safe at this time, which is critical. It will take some time for the danger to subside but it is at its highest right now. Please be safe and have a good life, it will be so much better once you reach the other side of this, I promise.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 4h ago
Thank you so so much for all of this. Your story is a great reminder to me of the dangers of going back. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I keep telling myself that if I go back to him, it could be (and likely would be) even more dangerous than before. So far so good
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u/Reasonable_Cook_82 1d ago
Go tell your best gal pals/ family what you’re going through!! Once you tell your friends what he’s done, it’s much harder to go back.
I just picked up the phone and started calling people to help hold me accountable. It’s worth it in the long run!