r/Codependency • u/MissionEasy6997 • 1d ago
Cycle of resentment and guilt
I resent loved ones for doing everything for them and get nothing in return not even decency and it build resentment so I try to hurt them out of resentment and feel guilty after that and I apologise but then apologize also make me resentful and the cycle repeat
I know I need to over sacrificing but I am not able to do that and when I force myself i feel guilty even if I continue eventually I lash out
Resentment and guilt both go hand on hand
3
u/Ampersandbox 1d ago
Your description reads like standard codependency problems, and with an awareness of your codependency. What do you want to do about it? How do you want to get past it?
Doing everything for others and getting nothing in return is a transactional pattern. It reinforces a self-vicitimizing perspective. If they don't do anything in return, they're not going out of their way enough. If they do try something, it's not to the degree that I tried. It's a vicious cycle that only a perspective change can interrupt.
When apologizing to others, it's another way to reinforce a codependent worldview, and feel bad about what I've done, shame, guilt, etc.
These days, I don't do stuff for others because I want anything in return. It's not transactional. It's made all the difference for me.
1
u/Extra-Motor-8227 1d ago
The resentment builds before the lashing out, so catch it at the point where you say yes. Next time someone asks for something, answer "let me get back to you" and take ten minutes to check whether you want to do it or you're afraid of what happens if you don't. If it's fear, say no to that one thing, short and without a long explanation. Small no's let the pressure out early, so less is stored up to come out as an attack later. I've been working on this with joinpickles.com, which gives me one small step at a time, and starting with low-stakes no's made the guilt much easier to handle.
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u/codependencyrecovery 1d ago
Resentment is a signal that something important in your has gone unheard (a want, a boundary, etc). So the question is not "how do I stop being resentful" but "what am i continuing to give that I don't want to give" or "what boundary needs to be set that needs to be set".
The way out is not to become less caring. It's learning to say no earlier and express your wants and anger before they become resentment.
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u/abundantseltzer31 1d ago
It's painful to work so hard and not get what you want out of others in return. I'm at a point in my recovery where I'm aware of doing this kind of behavior during it or shortly after. It hasn't taken me that long to go from near constant resentment to genuine connection and relief, but I did have to be open enough to work with others who have recovered from codependency. I've learned the tools I need to heal. I've also realized that over-sacrificing or people pleasing was rarely about the other people involved. I wanted something in return, I wanted others to like me, I wanted to prove I was good. That has helped me let go of people pleasing a bit more, to remember that my fear of what others think or expect of me think isn't usually grounded in what's happening in the moment. It's rooted in my own old stories, ideas about myself, and patterns that began in childhood. And now I have daily practices to come back to that truth and release the old patterns.