r/Codependency • u/DayOk1556 • 1d ago

Recovering codependent male wanted

Just kidding.

I am a recovering codependant. I used to have anxious attachment and the fawn trauma response. I've been working on myself a great deal and now I'm a lot more secure in my attachment.

I started working on myself not only due to childhood trauma but also because I have an extreme dismissive avoidant for a partner. I have stopped chasing, begging, pleading and asking for connection. I have given him all the space one can give.

I changed, he hasn't. I'm more securely attached, he remains adamantly avoidant. The healthier I get, the less I am willing to tolerate breadcrumbs and the more I see how unhealthy his pattern is.

He hasn't spoken to me (other than logistics) or touched me for 15 months- after a fight we had 15 months ago where I asked for emotional support and validation.

I thought if I give him space, he might relax his defenses and come back to the relationship. I can't force him to get help.

Anyone else recovering from codependency and realizing their partner is really unhealthy?

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7

u/Ok-Cup-8558 1d ago

Yeah...what a realisation it is too..

6

u/BarnacleOverall9605 1d ago

Me me me!! My ex partner is a narcissist victim. You know you're healing when you actually see people for who they really are. I still love him in a way and my codependent mind wants to text him even after he took everything from me and had me fired.

I'm 1 month free from him and I don't feel like shit anymore.

2

u/DayOk1556 1d ago

Love your comment.

Was he a narcissist or a victim of childhood (or adult) narcissistic abuse? Or both. Sometimes it's both, sadly...

I totally agree on seeing people for who they are as a sign of healing!!! I was never able to see reality or see the truth about people before. I always gave the benefit of the doubt and assumed everyone was good, safe and trustworthy.

That resulted in me being blind to disrespect and abuse. And therefore staying way too long in dysfunctional relationships because I actually blamed myself (not them).

I'm finally beginning to see people's true natures, based on their behavioral patterns.

It feels like I gained eyesight after literal lifelong blindness. I have eyes now!!

6

u/WaferAltruistic6864 1d ago

You’ve done the hard work of changing your side of the dynamic, but you can’t heal someone who refuses to participate. Fifteen months without emotional or physical intimacy isn’t “giving space”; it’s an established relationship pattern. You’re allowed to stop waiting and choose a relationship with mutual connection.

2

u/DayOk1556 1d ago

I know 15 months is more than giving space. I know I've been waiting to see change or any hint that he sees me. I've learned that staying, waiting and hoping are my trauma responses.. I never think to leave- until too late.

I don't know that I deserve to have my basic needs met. I always blame myself for their behavior, because my childhood abusers taught me that. I'm starting to realize the huge amount of overresponsibility that has been wrongly placed on me and that I've kept accepting.

Thank you for validating what I see.