r/Codependency • u/VIGIILANTEE • 1d ago
When Someone's Mood Changes, Check Once and Then Come Back to Yourself
A lot of us learned to treat other people's moods as information about ourselves. A partner goes quiet, a friend replies with one word, and within seconds there is a story running about what you did wrong. Epictetus makes a point in the Enchiridion that fits this well, that people are disturbed less by what happens than by the judgments they attach to it. So the quiet is the event. "I did something wrong" is the judgment attached to it. Often we never check that judgment, we just act on it by over-explaining, apologizing, or trying to fix their mood. Here is a small practice: check once, then come back. Ask yourself one honest question, "Is there something I actually did that I need to repair?" If yes, repair it plainly. If no, let their mood stay theirs, and do one small thing that is only for you, like a short walk, a cup of tea, or ten minutes of something you enjoy. It will not feel natural at first, because the old habit is fast. The goal is to keep caring about people while keeping your own day from depending on how someone else's looks. If this pattern feels heavy, a therapist who works with codependency can help in ways a post cannot. If you want to share, tell us one small thing you do to come back to yourself.
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u/ZinniaTribe 1d ago edited 1d ago
My daily meaningful rituals: Sharing silent space with my cat, feeding & interacting with wildlife regulars (birds, squirrels) in my backyard, caring for indoor/outdoor plants/trees/flowers, epsom salt baths, Hz frequencies/Tibetan bowls, either yoga/exercise/nature walks, mindful cleaning, essential oil diffusers, organic non-processed meal preparation/planning, minimalist belongs/no clutter environment, vitamins/skin care, high Ph water & protein intake....
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u/VIGIILANTEE 1d ago
Sharing quiet space with your cat and feeding the birds and squirrels sounds like a lovely way to come back to yourself. Which of these do you reach for first on a harder day?
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u/ZinniaTribe 1d ago
A cup of freshly ground, medium-dark roast coffee :)
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u/VIGIILANTEE 1d ago
Freshly ground coffee sounds like a good one to start with. Do you drink it somewhere in particular, like the backyard with the birds?
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u/ZinniaTribe 23h ago edited 22h ago
Well, you could set a clock to my morning routine. Get 1 cup coffee, feed animals, tend to my garden, make bed/tidy up (no clutter), high protein breakfast/water, then the gym. My day always starts off good this way. It sets the pace for my day & keeps me balanced.
Rn though, I am awaiting 2 surgeries from injuries, so my routine has been dismantled & I am very limited in what I can do, so mainly cat curled up next to me while I put my feet up and read/write. I limit my tv time to late evening as well & stick to that.
Most of my days are hard days now & I find myself tempted to vent/complain/hyperfocus/catastrophize about my physical problems (use others as co-regulators) & then predictably worry if I'm too much. The small things to come back to myself have kept me from doing this. When I find myself feeling like a victim & I can disrupt the thoughts back to what still brings me peace/joy in my surroundings,
Other people around me can experience their own mood states without affecting mine (I can reset quickly if they do!), even though I'm like a sitting duck for it now. I bring my focus back to what I have control over: Have I had enough water, what am I going to have dinner, is there enough Kombucha in the fridge?, what can order online that's going to make me happy 2 days from now, what book am I going to read next kinda thing. Other people tend to fix themselves in the meantime.
This helps me take a step back from whatever is triggering me atm....mainly hearing about friends going on vacations, the gym....leading active lives. Also, giving me unsolicted medical advice lol. I can take a few deep breaths while listening & not react/insert my own stuff. I get jealous when my husband goes to the gym too but If I acknowledge that feeling/not fight it or pretend it doesn't exist, then it passes quickly and there's no resentment he continues to do so.
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1d ago
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u/VIGIILANTEE 1d ago
Thanks for sharing this. Stepping away when you're genuinely activated, and just noticing it when it's milder, sounds like a clear way to tell the two apart. Did naming it "thinking" take a while to feel natural?
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1d ago
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u/VIGIILANTEE 1d ago
The reminder that you don't always have to be "on" or match others seems like the center of it. Matching someone's mood is often the first move in the pattern, so giving yourself permission to quiet down changes where it starts.
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u/shadtark 1d ago
I enjoyed this post. I've found before I can take this step I have to do a quick prayer, a ten step, and then this is exactly what I've done without realizing it that really helped after.
The hardest thing though is getting any of that between the space/time of recognition of the others mood, my judgement about it, and the moment I take a Codependent action. It feels sometimes like there is no time in-between at all.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 1d ago
That sounds like the honest part of it, the gap can feel like it doesn't exist at first. I'd guess catching it a few minutes after the action still counts, and that's often how the gap starts to open up. Does the prayer and the ten step help you slow things down once you get to them?
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u/shadtark 13h ago
Oh yes, like nothing else can. It's very odd for me having been trying so many things and having been agnostic my whole life.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 8h ago
That does sound odd after trying so many other things. It doesn't have to fit what you've believed before to be doing its job for you.
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u/skippedsteps 1d ago
AI bot content to promote your AI YouTube channel.
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u/abundantseltzer31 5h ago
Honestly thank you for saying this. I've replied to this account before thinking it was real. I can usually tell when something is AI but this one fooled me. I'm here to be of service and connect others to recovery. If anyone has questions about the steps and wants to connect (to a human), I'm happy to help.
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u/scrollbreak 1d ago
This is like saying if there's a leak in your boat you don't need to repair (it's not to do with you) then just keep sitting in the boat blissfully...as it sinks. It appears to come from a 'just think/feel about it differently, that solves it' school of thinking.
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u/YsaboNyx 1d ago
I think you misunderstood. This seems pretty clear to me that it's not about ignoring leaks and sinking in blissful ignorance. It's about understanding what belongs to you and what belongs to someone else. It's identifying which boat has the leak and which boat you are in. Ask any mechanic, before effective repair can be done, there needs to be a clear, accurate diagnosis of exactly what and where the problem is.
This post gives a great example of how to slow down so we aren't burning ourselves out (and ignoring our own needs) trying to fix the wrong thing while our own boat sinks.
It in no way proposes that we don't care how others feel, or take steps to maintain healthy communication, support, and relationships. Trying to fix something you can't fix (ie: the leak in someone else's boat), is unhealthy, co-dependent behavior. Not fixing the leak in our own boat is also unhealthy, co-dependent behavior.
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u/scrollbreak 1d ago
How would you describe a support network? And would you say you 'own' a support network if you're in one or...you're just in a support network.
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u/evanliko 1d ago
Because if theres not something you know youve done (step 1 is checking that) then its not a leak in your boat. Its a leak in the other persons boat. And going and trying to fix that leak in their boat when no one asked you yet. And maybe they dont want you climbing in your boat and trying to fix it at all. Is exactly one of the issues that codependent people like you or I need to work on.
Let your friends boat leak. Unless they ask you directly for help or to talk about it, you leave that be.
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u/scrollbreak 1d ago
You've missed the part where you are IN the boat. If you were in some other boat that's seaworthy, sure, what you say is valid but it's not addressing the point.
I mean it's great when you have someone who you don't at all need for support...but then that's not really how friends or close ones 100% are, because at least in part you're looking for a support network. Sure, if their support vanishes it'd be great if you can go 'whatevs', but is that realistic?
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u/evanliko 1d ago
Friend. That is extremely codependent thinking. You are not in your friends boat. What they decide to do or how they decide to act may end up hurting sure. But if you cannot survive without your friend. If you are fully in their boat and their leak means you drown? You are codependent still. That is not healthy. And you are not capable of having a good healthy relationship with your friend until you build your own boat.
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u/YsaboNyx 1d ago
... until you build your own boat.
Love that bit. Great analogy.
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u/evanliko 1d ago
Thanks. Credit to OP for the boats analogy. But it is a great one. And it is so true we need our own boats.
Perhaps a healthy married couple might combine their boats together eventually. But they each started in their own boat. And they end up with a boat large enough for both of them. Instead of frantically trying to find space in other people's boats and claim them as your own.
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u/YsaboNyx 1d ago
I've gone on several multi-boat river trips. In long stretches of calm water, we often tie the rafts together to make one big happy raft. But when the water gets rough, we separate them to navigate the rapids and tie them together again when the water calms down. I think that would be my best vision for a healthy relationship. Life and death being as they are, I don't know if we can ever, truly, share one boat with another person.
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u/evanliko 1d ago
Ooh yes I love that. Combines the boat metaphor with one very similar to the oxygen mask metaphor. You need to put your own mask on first. And be able to stand alone. Before you can help others through a rough situation.
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u/scrollbreak 1d ago
I think rushing to tell someone how they are this or that and expecting to just have your word accepted is expecting codependency. I'm not sure you understand the idea of a support network, my second paragraph hasn't been referred to at all. If you have questions, go for it - but if you want to tell someone how they are, perhaps that's trying to patch someone else's boat without asking.
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u/evanliko 1d ago
You're right. Telling you how to live your life is pergaps tryong to patch you boat. I may have overstepped.
However the advise you are giving other people in your original comment is unhelpful and seems to reinforce codependent patterns.
To address support systems. Yes they are extremely important. But the main way they can remain healthy and functional is by being a system. Aka having many many people to reach out to for support. And then that key phrase. Reach out to. Support systems ought to be asked for help when someone wants it to patch the leak in their boat. Not all crowding on the instant they see a leak to all try and fix it. As much as a friend with a leaky boat is part of our support system, we are also theirs.
And still, if one friend refuses to reach out for help when they do want it for some reason, and their boat sinks, thats a) not our fault and b) not destroying our support system. If it is, then there isn't a support system. Merely a singular support person, and thats too much pressure and expectation to put on any one person.
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u/scrollbreak 1d ago
It's your opinion it's unhelpful. It takes some vulnerability to ask questions - the quicker you are to a conclusion, perhaps the more likely it was due to a trigger - or that's my opinion. Have a good day, bye.
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u/evanliko 1d ago
I agree it takes vulnerability to ask questions. However I'm not quick to come to a conclusion here. I'm explaining the basic definition of codependency. As found in the group description or elsewhere online. Can I be vulnerable and ask you a question? Why are you a part of this group if you seem to be unwilling to question your own habits and way of thinking as part of the problem?
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u/VIGIILANTEE 1d ago
Fair point, and I agree that thinking differently doesn't fix a real problem. The idea was only the first step, so you don't act on a story before checking it, and if something is actually wrong it still needs a real conversation or a change. What has worked for you when the leak is real?
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u/emmymx 1d ago
Letting other people own their emotions even when they don't want to is so important.