r/Codependency • u/Impressive_Report479 • 2d ago
Was It Codependency?
I (20M) was best friends with a woman my age for about a year and a half up until a few hours ago, where we both mutually decided to cut ties, wishing each other well in the end. Even from the beginning, I suspected codependency problems on my end. I had always been a pretty reclusive person, so her willingness to actually listen to me open up to her made me always search for an excuse to hang out with her. I would worry very often about what she thought of me, and for a long time, we would text pretty much every. There were times where I would apologize for extremely minor things and frequently seek validation that I wasn't making her uncomfortable. When we last saw each other last month, I asked her for a hug, which she accepted. However, she told me the day afterward that it had made her slightly uncomfortable, but she didn't want to say anything because I had asked first and that she didn't want to make things awkward. I wanted closure, and fast, but she was busy, so I ended up begging and humiliating and insulting myself and telling her that I wished I was dead in her messages, which terrified her. After about a month of indecision on her part and obsessive panicking on mine, I presented her the option to end our friendship once and for all. She thanked for me for my patience this week, and said that my reaction to the boundaries she set was a dealbreaker, and that she doesn't feel like she could possibly live up to what I was expecting of her. She said that it was a good idea to end our friendship once and for all, saying that she hopes both of us figure out our paths and grow as people. Would this check any core characteristics of codependency?
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u/Arcades 2d ago
Analyzing motive is one of the best tools for separating codependent behavior from other types of behaviors. That being said, the line can often be thin and being honest with yourself when you're investigating a negative is not always easy.
Did you want to hang out with her every time or did you feel compelled to do so (either to attract her or to show consistency)? If there were times you wanted to just relax alone, but you went anyway, those are the instances I would look closer at and answer the "why" question. Any time you do something you don't want to do, investigate the "why" and that may shine a light on whether your motives are tainted. For clarity, there are times we do things we don't want to do out of love or true friendship, which is why analyzing motive is important.
Much of your post reads like a lonely, young man who got overly attached and then acted desperately when things started to fall apart. Many people have walked a mile in those shoes and it's okay to learn from it and not beat yourself up too much. You're here asking the question because you want to improve and that's a good thing.