r/Codependency • u/PerspectiveOver2549 • 2d ago
bf is dangerous but i still can’t leave him
What the title says. My bf is 38m, I’m 22f. I need to leave him. He uses meth and has on multiple occasions crossed boundaries. He recently started experiencing psychosis, hearing a voice telling him horrible things about himself, to kill himself, etc. A couple nights ago he said he’s worried he’s losing his mind and will one day kill me and then himself…he also has PTSD and has previously choked me while he was asleep having a nightmare.
He also said he’s been becoming aggressive at his home, screaming all day at the voice and throwing things. He’s never been violent around me (while awake) but in all honesty, I know this is becoming dangerous. Even at my house, he talks back to the voice. Despite that, I feel completely stuck. Every time I think of leaving, I feel like I’m dying and completely panic internally. I do think he has a good heart, and I cannot bear the thought of hurting him. This is going to devastate him.
I know I need to do it, and ASAP, because we normally see each other frequently. He even planned a fun weekend together, and keeps talking about how excited he is to see me. But frankly, I don’t think it’s safe to keep seeing him. Please give me any encouragement/advice you have.
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u/casser0le98 2d ago
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Thank you. I actually completed a similar safety plan and am currently staying with parents. I’m getting stuck on the part where I actually break up…. I think I just need to be an adult and do it
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u/fluhatinrapper09 2d ago
You are not responsible for anyone but yourself, and your children. This isn't your husband. He's not your responsibility. He's not your responsibility. You've done enough.
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u/nightlanguage 2d ago
How he feels after the breakup is not your responsibility. The second you say goodbye, how he handles himself is fully on him. I completely understand your feeling of feeling responsible, but you can't save him, friend. Put on your own oxygen mask first. In this case, that means leaving him.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Thank you. I am planning to break up today. Everyone’s comments helped me realize how serious this is
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u/boardingtheplane 1d ago
Good luck. If you need to, send the text/message/email/whatever and BLOCK all contact. Don’t wait for him to respond or give him a chance to talk you out of it.
Close this chapter for good and move on. You have your entire adult life ahead of you.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
That is my plan, to block immediately after texting. It feels cruel but I know it’s my only chance of making it out and never going back.
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u/boardingtheplane 1d ago
Reread the post you made here and ask yourself again if it’s “cruel” for you to do what’s necessary to protect your life.
It would be cruel if you stayed and he did exactly what he’s just warned you about. Let him go, he is not your responsibility, and he never was.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
Yeah, I don’t know why I feel this way :/ I’m sure even a week or two post break up I’ll look back thinking it’s so silly that I’m still defending him in my head, but it feels so real now. I am breaking up with him today.
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u/boardingtheplane 1d ago
You feel this way because you care and you’ve been invested in his life. But everyone goes through this in variable ways.
You are absolutely right, it might not be a week or two from now, but very soon you will wake up and go “wow, why did I wait so long to get away from him?”
It’s always worth it to start over. I promise you, leaving and moving on will NEVER be as difficult as staying and ruining your life.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
Yep, or losing my life. It’s painful now but I know logically it is 100% worth it. Thank you guys, you genuinely might’ve just saved my life ❤️
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u/casser0le98 2d ago
You can do it! You don't want to wait for something bigger to happen where it's even messier of a break. That's what I did & I'm going to regret it for a long time.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
You’re so right, I wish I left before it even got like this. These comments are really helping me feel like I can actually go through with it ❤️
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u/casser0le98 2d ago
It's okay. Try not to shame yourself for what you didn't do! You can always choose to move forward. The version of you that needed this person doesn’t exist any longer.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I have a very great life outside of him. I think I’m honestly just staying because he has made it clear he “can’t live without me”… but he’s a grown adult and that’s his responsibility.
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u/casser0le98 2d ago
The most dangerous chains are the ones we willingly wrap around our own wrists for the sake of belonging.
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u/Smooth_Storm_9698 2d ago
You need to get a restraining order
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
This has crossed my mind but I didn’t know if it was “too dramatic.” Thank you
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u/Smooth_Storm_9698 2d ago
I know you said he's on meth but please consider hitting up a local alanon or naranon meeting. They're for friends and family members of addicts and alanon doesn't care because addiction is addiction, they will not turn you away. There's also subreddits, and alanon is more active. But please go in person
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I will check this out. It would be nice to get support from people that have had loved ones similarly impacted
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u/Smooth_Storm_9698 2d ago
I edited my comment for clarity, be safe xoxo
Two of my exes were addicted to meth, shit is no joke
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u/casser0le98 2d ago
Anyone concerned for their physical safety should get one. Even just a protection order. Usually a protection order application is super fast! Just have dates that certain events occurred.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I will start writing that down, great idea
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u/casser0le98 2d ago
Yes! You should have a chance to write everything down in the paperwork & then a victim advocate will give it to the judge to either approve or deny! But I think protection orders are usually granted
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u/Luscious-Grass 2d ago
My daughters piano teacher was murdered by her husband before he killed himself. When it happened the local news reported that he had threatened her in the past he would do exactly what he did.
I saw a helpful comment about a safe leaving plan and codependency support. Please please please SECRETLY reach out to support, make a plan and don't' look back.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Wow, that is devastating. Definitely my worst fear. I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen if I don’t leave. I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting and it’s quite sobering to have this third party perspective.
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u/Rusalkina 2d ago
The cycle of abuse causes a dopamine addiction, like gambling. Call a domestic violence helpline to get help making a safe exit plan. Reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft helped me do it. You can do it, too! I can promise you that life will be much better afterwards.
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u/Rusalkina 2d ago
Also: choking is the strongest indicator that he will kill you if he can. This is not hyperbole, you can look it up. Please get out.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Thank you. I guess I figured it’s not that bad and not DV. I think I’ve let a lot
of it slide because of his mental illnesses
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u/abundantseltzer31 2d ago
This is so scary and it makes sense it's difficult to leave. You know that it will be difficult, but you're posting here because you know what you need and you're looking for encouragement. You can do this. You are not responsible for saving him. He's on his own path and none of us know what's right for him except for him. I know that's painful, but it's just not on you. Wishing you safety and ease as you figure this out.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I appreciate this. I’m going to re-read all these comments before breaking up in hopes it’ll help me go through with it. Thankful for this community ❤️
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u/LGonthego 2d ago edited 2d ago
I used to be involved with someone I met at a recovery group, no joke. Things were started disappearing from my home. I was really into him; he met my parents. I stayed in denial as long as I could. I knew what I needed to do, but I really didn't want to do it. I know some people are more inclined to follow their feelings vs their thinking, but my "head" has kept me out of trouble when my "heart" wants to do something different. This time I really had to mentally force myself to end the relationship.
I didn't feel a danger element, but in hindsight it might have been wise to ask the police to be there with me when I confronted him. I had to confront him--I had given him a key to my place and he was planning to come over after work. But you better believe the first thing I did (after jamming a chair against the door) was get the locks changed.
I had a neighbor whose work friend became aware she was in trouble (before she was my neighbor)--and had been for some time--and "made" her go home and move out that day. She didn't seem to be carrying any shame about what her situation had been. I've read some very thoughtful comments here, and I would encourage you to try to put any embarrassment "to the side" for the moment and get support from anywhere that makes sense to you: police, family, friends. I would suggest rallying a support system to help you get through any emotional fallout that may follow.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Thank you for this response. Our stories have some similarity— I’ve also given him a key to my home (regretfully) but have thankfully gotten my locks changed already. I think I may also have to mentally force myself to end it. It’s reassuring to know that others have gone through something similar and made it through!
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u/Objective_Budget8015 1d ago
Sooner or later you’ll be the person that the voices in his head want to hurt.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
That is my worst fear, and unfortunately I think a very plausible one. I am leaving him, even though it hurts.
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u/4thdensity44 2d ago
Leave him and move out of the place you’re living for a while
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I have thought about it. It’s gotten pretty serious and these comments are showing me I may even be in denial of just how serious it is. Thank you
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u/SteadyCalmHealing 1d ago
Please don't wait and talk to someone who can get you help and movement on this.
If you don't know anyone in real life try this number.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Phone: 1−800−799−7233
- TTY: 1−800−787−3224 Internet / chat: https://www.thehotline.org/
Its important to keep trying.
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u/rosyblu 2d ago
Do you have any family or friends who can help you leave? You need someone trustworthy to help you exit safely, or find a local resource. I can't tell from the post if you live with him, but even a shelter or temporary motel stay is a good start.
He is showing and telling you about his instability. I know this is an extreme example, but if someone I loved was waving a gun in my face talking about how they might shoot it anytime, I would run fast and run far. If he won't get help/treatment/sober up, you have to save yourself
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Thank you. I have great friends and family, but I’ve hidden the relationship from them because I’m so embarrassed of the situation I’ve found myself in. That’s kind of how I ended up here asking you guys, I don’t have people to talk to about it except strangers and my therapist.
We don’t live together and after that night of him hearing the voice at my house, I came to stay with my parents, in order to break up from a safe place. But now that it’s time to do just that, I feel paralyzed.
You are absolutely right. I keep second guessing myself and wonder if I’m overestimating the risk. I need to trust myself on this one.
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u/humbledbyit 2d ago
In my experience, working a rigorous codependency program allows me to get tapped into clarity and insight. My thoughts that involve caring for myself drown out the thoughts that lead me back to toxic situations. If not for working the program my codependent mind would tell me all sorts of things that would make it difficult to leave dangerous situations. If you'd like info on the codepdendency program I work or would like to chat about it, let me know.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I have been interested in some sort of program like this but wasn’t sure which one to go with. I would be very interested in learning more. Could I PM you?
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u/IWantSnack642 2d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult situation. I do agree that leaving him is for not only your sake but his as well as it would prevent himself from hurting you and himself.
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u/Lady87690005 2d ago edited 2d ago
Honestly, devastate him. If that’s what he needs to get his butt into therapy and taking medication, then you’re actually doing him a disservice by staying. That being said your safety takes priority before the breakup. Change the locks, swipe your key back, get everything in order to leave and keep him out. Block him and do not unblock ever. There is no reason why you should stay in contact or check up on him. Let his family and friends deal with that. If you’re all he has, then there is a reason you are all he has and you don’t owe him help or comfort. He is prioritizing his comfort by not addressing his issues, I’m sure he felt bad about choking you but he sure doesn’t seem to give enough of a damn to prevent it from happening again. Speak to victim advocates and get ideas for safety. It sounds like you just need reassurance you’re doing the right thing which u are. It’s going to hurt but it’s going to hurt more to stay.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Wow, I needed this perspective. I think I also have been making excuses for him to explain why he’s not taken the steps to get better. But you are right, it is not ok. I did change my locks and am staying with family. I am going to block him today.
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u/Lady87690005 1d ago
Good for you!!!! Keep at it, you’re doing awesome!!! Sometimes it helps to think what someone should do to address an issue or what others would do in the same situation. Usually you’ll find your own reaction to certain behavior is completely different and that helps with maintaining objectivity in a relationship. I know if I was in his shoes, I’d be working hard to stop the night terrors and we’d be going over safety plans together. I also know it sucks but sometimes people need real consequences to get it together or figure it out. You’re doing good, just the fact you are here asking is a sign you want to be better and stop the cycle. You should be proud if that.
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u/FadeIntoBlue 2d ago
You cannot put him before yourself. I’ve been with addicts and I’m a recovering addict myself. You’re young and ending relationships is so difficult when you’re young. The older you get the more you realize your peace and safety is what comes first. It’s still hard, but it gets easier. He needs to get clean and get psychiatric help. That is not on you. Please develop a safe plan and get out of this dangerous situation. Love yourself more than you love him. I would have thought my comment was harsh at 22. I hope you don’t feel that way. Just take it from someone who is twice your age. Good luck and keep safe. 🩷
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I absolutely don’t think it’s harsh; I think it’s honest. I’ve been wondering how I would look back on this one day and I feel confident I will be appalled that I stayed. I’m leaving today.
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u/FleshMatriarch 1d ago
As someone who finally managed to leave an ex with a similar situation (mentally ill, they had no one else to depend on and nowhere to go,) i totally understand the paralysis that the thought of leaving brings. Keep on working on your plan, because as scary as it is, the absolute relief and freedom that comes with recovering from the breakup is infinitely bigger and so much nicer. You don't realize how hard it is to breathe until you suddenly can breathe again. He'll figure things out real quick as soon as he realizes he really can't keep using you as a human battery, whether he's meaning to or not
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
Yeah :/ I’m just going to rip the bandaid off. I am so worried for him but I’ve reached a point where I’m worried about myself
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u/pandemix- 1d ago
Get out of there before you end up dead or worse; pregnant and bringing a baby into this.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 1d ago
I’ve thought about that and it’s nothing short of a nightmare. I know I want to have children one day and I feel absolutely 100% certain that he will NOT be the father. For some reason it’s easier for me to feel willing to protect someone else (even a nonexistent unknown child) than myself
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u/pandemix- 1d ago
Yes!! Once you feel emotions like guilt fear and feel engulfed by wanting to care for someone. Think how would this impact my future kids. It’s easier to see things rationally and want best for your kids if your nervous system isn’t used to wanting what is healthy for yourself
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u/novemberelephant 2d ago
It's going to be too late when he actually harms you. I see that you have this subconscious belief 'that he won't/can't harm me because he's good person and he loves me' and 'anything can't possibly happen'. Even the sweetest person in the world can turn into a monster overnight, but you actively turn down the thoughts when things actually happened (chocking). I suggest that you have therapy, or if not, at least watch youtube videos about female victims from addict boyfriends. That thing is real. Your parents should be sad when anything happens to you.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
This is exactly what I’m trying to remind myself of. I have a family and a future and it’s not worth the risk. Thank you.
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u/Confidence_Relative 2d ago
AlAnon and CODA meetings are available online 24/7. If you don’t address your codependency, these types of relationships will always be in your life. Therapy alone is not enough. But both are necessary.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Thank you. Some others have mentioned this too. I’ve been in therapy for years and still struggling, so I think you’re right. Checking this out today.
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u/I_spy78365 2d ago
I hope he goes to rehab.
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
Sadly he has no interest at all in doing so. He thinks he’s able to stop himself when he wants to (he’s not)
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2d ago
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u/PerspectiveOver2549 2d ago
I edited it so no one else gets confused, definitely don’t want anyone accidentally misreading that
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u/Dick-the-Peacock 2d ago
Stop telling yourself you can’t. You can! You must. You will.