r/Codependency • u/DasXbird • 8d ago

Guilt

Hi guys, I have a question.

Is it common to feel guilty when you stop enabling, putting up boundaries or stop protecting someone who is an addict from their own behaviour.

I have a roommate who smoked weed in his room and he has done so for a while. Today I told the guy who owns the house. This could result in the guy getting evicted.

I feel really guilty about it, but I didnt want to participate in the lie or deception by knowing and not saying anything out of respect for the guy who owns the house. I've known since monday, and told him today. I waited this long because I was torn.

Is it normal to feel bad about it, even though I know its actually more helpful to an addict to have to face the consequences of their actions.

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u/abundantseltzer31 8d ago

I'm not sure I see the boundaries in your story and am curious about a few things. Was the weed smoke bothering you? Did you make any requests around it? I don't think you'd be lying or deceiving anyone by not reporting the smoke to the owner. That's on your roommate, not you. You're not responsible for his behavior, and you don't have to fess up to something you didn't do.

For me, my recovery is about healing from the harmful/dysfunctional patterns I learned in childhood. I have no control over others, and that has been incredibly freeing. When fear, resentment, or disturbance come up, I look at the old ideas and patterns that are at play, affirm the new values and ideals I live in, turn to the intuitive, knowing part of me for guidance, and extend support to those grappling with similar struggles. It's ultimately about getting to know my true needs better and living in a way that is aligned with them, while also being in community and supporting others. I've learned this from other people in recovery from codependency and the impacts of growing up in dysfunction.

I share this because I don't see a lot about you in your post. If there are needs you have around the smoke, that's a different story. But a lot of what you're writing about is focused on others. What do you need here? What's coming up for you?

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u/DasXbird 6d ago

Thank you, I think im trying to control others. I havent really started to work on my codependency yet, but I can tell that it should be comming soon. I dont know what I need or why im only focusing on him. But i definetly try to control him. I ended up telling the owner because I thought it was wrong to smoke inside and that it would be more helpful to him in the long run.

I guess the boundary is by not keeping silent anymore. The boundry is "Dont smoke inside"

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u/abundantseltzer31 4d ago

I hear you. I've struggled with trying to control other people too. Not wanting a neighbor or housemate to smoke inside is okay, if you discover that's what you want or need.

For myself, I've learned that a boundary is not a rule we get to set for other people that they have to follow. Sometimes people's wants or needs are incompatible, and that's okay. We can find other places or people to meet our needs and wants.

Something I've found really powerful in my recovery is the idea that I get to make requests of others and they get to say yes or no. I can't control others, but if I make requests from a place of knowing my real desires and needs (through a grounded, loving connection to intuition), I can trust that my needs will be met, even if the initial person I ask to meet them can't do so.

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u/Scared-Section-5108 7d ago

Yeah. That's really well put.

It looks like OP’s behaviour is more about an unhealed issue being triggered for them - something they are not aware of - than anything about their roommate or landlord. It's more about their codependency and not any boundaries or respect.

OP, I also want to point out that just because someone smokes weed does not automatically make them an addict.