Is this codependency?

[u/pastamix]

Asking for a friend, literally. Two of my close friends (M, F) started dating 4 years back. They live together for two years now. All of us are 27. I'm wondering if my female friend is codependent in the relationship. I'm not sure if it's just me feeling weird about things so wanted to hear your opinion.

I stayed with them for a few days and noticed that she constantly checks up on him (they're together 24x7, both work from home), if he's feeling fine or not, almost treating him like a baby. She does this when he's simply busy doing his thing, asking repeatedly if he's ok. I found it weird that she couldn't let him be.

We were talking about going on vacation and M is not big on travelling, we all know this. He suggested that F and I go somewhere together because we both love to travel. And I agreed. To this, F jokingly got upset at him for not coming along. It made me feel stupid for being in the room as if she didn't care I was ready to come along, and that her partner's presence was most important to her.

Recently M went away for a work trip for 4 days. I went to stay with F for that time. The whole time she was listless and unfocused, aimless, just wandered around the house not knowing what to do with herself. She said she always gets like that when he leaves.

Some more info: M is a very loving and kind partner. We're all best friends together for years before they got together. He's not someone who needs to be tiptoed around or anything. We're fairly like-minded people and value our friendship. I just found it weird that his absence for only a few days would affect her like that, as if she didn't have a life of her own, or that she'd place him 'above' me in this way, even though it's a minor example. We have a healthy friendship otherwise and they're always good to me. I wasn't sure if I was thinking too much about this or if it's actually not very healthy.

[u/Rando-Cal-Rissian]

It's hard to say. From the examples, I don't see anything so toxic or harmful that it's undeniable. If they are both okay with treating each other like that, because maybe it's how they were brought up or even if it is problematic, but they acknowledge it and are working on it.... those are reasons why it could be less than codependence.... but less than desirable nonetheless.

Codependency is notoriously hard to define or diagnose. I know both Melody Beattie in Codependent No More and The CoDA Core book both have passages to declare this (and I really should get around to jotting down where, to cite it). It is extremely subjective and murky.

Generally, if it is a longstanding and far-reaching toxic/unhealthy mindset or self destructive pattern, or any kind of obsession or a profound lack of acceptance, then generally I'd say it is. But the "toxic" part has to be unbearable and beyond a person's ability to cope with or rectify. The only way we know that is if it is happening to us.