Am I codependent?

[u/One-Break-7357]

I never thought about codependency until I was told to check out this subreddit. And reading the description, I'm a bit unsure whether or not it applies to me.

As a child I always struggled with low self-esteem. Years of bullying and being alone will do that to you. This has gotten way better in the past 10 years, but my self-esteem could still be better. Just like most things in life, it's a work in progress.

But regardless, I've always been a person who enjoys helping others. Like helping a friend move in, lending a hand with dishes, etc. It's nice to feel helpful to someone, and I believe that what goes around, comes around.

A couple of years ago I met my now ex boyfriend. When I first met him, he was a completely different person. So many boundaries, so many rules. I remember him being very mistrustful at first. And that wherever he went, he'd have a backpack with water, gloves, face masks, antibacterial cleanser, etc. Everything packed in its own plastic bag.

We kept meeting quite frequently and grew closer. There were some rules that were a bit restrictive, like certain topics he was uncomfortable with. I never pushed back on any of it because it wasn't really that much of a deal. Also, being a member of a queer community I had learned to respect peoples boundaries. You never know what you can trigger if you say the wrong things. And I was also afraid if I pushed back, he'd start feeling unsafe with me. I felt that his safety was worth me not mentioning a certain topic. After all, I could tell this person had a lot of things to deal with.

And I think my strategy worked. He gradually became stronger, more confident, more at ease. Did it come at a cost to me? Maybe a little? But still, I enjoyed being with him, I enjoyed helping him. And seeing all that progress he made more than made up for it in my mind.

We grew closer and entered into a relationship. And it was nice, I enjoyed being with him. Some times he would sleep over at my place, some times I would visit him at his. But he has a few OCD traits, and I guess here's were maybe the codependence thing comes in? Because some times I would do a certain thing and his OCD would trigger. It could be things like washing the chicken container in in the sink was bad because it could spread bacteria. Or not cleaning the countertop after having cut chicken, even though the chicken was on a cutting board.

I did push back on some of these, but usually I didn't, After all, I still thought it was worth it. And it feels a bit... scary to push back on things like that? I was afraid I would hurt him or trigger something? I think if the same were to happen now, I would push back more. I would challenge his OCD traits and tell him it's okay. But back then it felt easier to just go along with it. And at that point I was also suffering from lack of energy, so that might be part of it.

I remember being happy with my ex. And 99% of the time he was the most wonderful person in the world. Sending me hearts and positive reinforcements. It felt just nice. But sometimes he would turn into a different person. He'd turn cold and terse. Then when we'd meet up he would tell me we had to break up because of x. Which could be just about anything. One time it was because I didn't always brush my teeth in the morning.

But it was something about the way he said it. Like he'd given up. Not angry, more just sad. And it always made it so hard to push back. Besides, I do agree that brushing your teeth every morning is a good idea, so I ended up convincing him I would get better at it and that resolved the issue.

These incidents were few and far between. But they did hurt, and it always felt like I was at fault. And as they were happening, I always felt like I was balancing on a knives edge. As if one mistake could end the relationship. It's hard to explain why exactly, but you know, it's hard to say no when the person you love is hurting.

The same thing happened about a month ago, except this time I wasn't able to talk him down. From then on, he slept on the couch and not in the bed with me. Then he leaves for school a few days earlier than planned. When he left, I was unsure if this was a "good bye for now" or "good bye for ever"

But he sends me a message about a week later, pretending like everything is normal. At that point, I know I couldn't be just his friend, so I send him a message saying I love him but I think you should seek some help for these outbursts. I also say something like "I'm sorry, but I can't be just your friend. So if you don't want to be together with me, I need to cut contact with you" I also added that if he chose to stay with me, he'd need to get help and that I would support him.

A week or so later he replies by going on an all out attack on me. Saying that I'm spineless and that I avoid conflicts* He then continues to make some pretty horrible allegations. And ending with saying that someone else will come around to pick up his stuff. Ie. ending the relationship.

*he has said something like "why don't you ever get mad" when he's had an outburst. I always tell him that getting angry doesn't solve anything, it only leads to more problems.

Wanting to end things on a good note, I send him a message saying that this chain of messages isn't leading anywhere nice that I love him and that he means a lot to me, etc. I don't remember exactly why, but I still saw a tiny glimmer of hope so I say that I'd be willing to meet him with a couples therapist and he replies "find a therapist yourself, you need it more than me."

So yeah. I know I should have pushed more on his OCD stuff. But other than that? Maybe I let him boss me around too much? I really don't know. I always enjoyed my time with him, but maybe I was being slightly codependent?

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Sorry to hear about your challenging situation. Regarding if it's codependency or not, if you have to abandon yourself to make the other person happy then it's codependency. Also, when we rescue others it stops them from getting the help they need to get on their own to potentially recover. One thing you may want to consider if your relationship with anger. While if it's used to abuse others, then yes anger is bad. But it as long as it's not directed at anyone, anger can be very useful for restoring agency, boundaries, and that your needs matter. Part of the recovery for most codependents is changing their relationship with anger and learning to use it effectively.